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Vent (CW // Sensitive topics like s**cide)
a year ago
General
Hi guys, this is really hard to say, because I find it very difficult to talk about my personal problems. Unfortunately, I went through many experiences that showed me It's not always a good idea to talk about your problems with "strangers", but on the recommendation of friends, I wanted to inform you a little about what I'm going through.
I never had an easy life, I was born in a country where the economy is very bad (Argentina) and my family was not very luxurious, I was happy, but out of pure innocence. My mother, who is still an alcoholic to this day, beat and mistreated my sister and me, even making us do things that she, as an adult and mother, had to do.
Then we went into my father's custody, which was not easy either. He never hit us, but I did receive a lot of psychological abuse from him (a I must clarify that we now have a good relationship because it has changed)
But without a doubt the worst of all was that a person who was 25 years old at that time (2019) began to play with my mind when I was 15 years old. This person abused me in many ways, he had intimate relations with me when I was 15 years old and without PROTECTION even though I asked him to because I was afraid, he released intimate photos of me as a minor and as an adult (Along with two other people who today he calls friends), and I was not the only person. Unfortunately, this person manipulated me in such a way that I generated an emotional dependence on him so I was by his side for almost 5 years despite his lack of interest and mistreatment. For these reasons and many more, I developed many mental disorders, they did not finish diagnosing me but for the moment they diagnosed me with severe depression, psychotic attacks, anxiety and possible schizophrenia or depressive psychosis.
I tried to commit suicide many times, I have multiple and large scars on both forearms. My diet decreased due to depression, I have gone 3 days without eating or drinking water, I once had to be put in an ambulance and taken to a hospital to be restrained because I simply wanted to die. Unfortunately, mental health here is only treated in the right way if you have MONEY, so they left me alone in a hospital hallway for 7 hours, without any restraint or support. All they did was draw my blood, which even damaged my arm even more, because they pricked me 3 times and in a bad way, my arm was left all purple for months. And the worst of all is that my ex-partner didn't care about any of this. I never saw a tear fall from his face when he saw me bleeding, he even acted as if nothing was happening. He once laughed at a situation other than mine BUT in a situation where my best friends Amarul and Starfly saved me from bleeding to death at the Furcon "ARFF" in 2022 (There are times and times, but I can't expect more from someone as psychopathic as my ex).
Today i have 21 years old, i am surrounded by people who love me and my a wonderful boyfriend Loky, who always cares about me but unfortunately, even so, I still haven't gotten over my suicidal thoughts. I have already removed the main problem from my life, but I am left with too many after-effects... to the point of not even being able to go out on the street without panicking, I hate myself so much that I feel ashamed when people just look at me, because I feel like I am the most horrible and disgusting being on this planet... There are many strong feelings and thoughts that have me in limbo.
And to make matters worse, I'm going through an economic crisis, because I'm not opening new slots since I want to finish ALL the old orders first. But because of this, I can't afford a psychologist, psychiatrist or medicine, which means I can't even do my greatest passion, which is drawing..
I am very embarrassed to face my clients and feel like I am a total failure for taking so long with my work, I really don't want to do that. I really appreciate the trust they have in me. But right now I can't even do basic things that a human being does on a daily basis, like eating well, bathing daily, drinking water, sleeping well... I just can't....
I'm even considering checking myself into a psychiatric hospital because I simply can't handle myself anymore, every day my thoughts are about suicide, to the point that my partner Loky is afraid to go to work and well.. you know...
I really apologize to everyone, one way or another I will deliver the drawings or refund, I just ask for patience, because at this moment I can do absolutely nothing and I don't have any kind of income apart from my drawings or fursuits... they are my only jobs...
I never had an easy life, I was born in a country where the economy is very bad (Argentina) and my family was not very luxurious, I was happy, but out of pure innocence. My mother, who is still an alcoholic to this day, beat and mistreated my sister and me, even making us do things that she, as an adult and mother, had to do.
Then we went into my father's custody, which was not easy either. He never hit us, but I did receive a lot of psychological abuse from him (a I must clarify that we now have a good relationship because it has changed)
But without a doubt the worst of all was that a person who was 25 years old at that time (2019) began to play with my mind when I was 15 years old. This person abused me in many ways, he had intimate relations with me when I was 15 years old and without PROTECTION even though I asked him to because I was afraid, he released intimate photos of me as a minor and as an adult (Along with two other people who today he calls friends), and I was not the only person. Unfortunately, this person manipulated me in such a way that I generated an emotional dependence on him so I was by his side for almost 5 years despite his lack of interest and mistreatment. For these reasons and many more, I developed many mental disorders, they did not finish diagnosing me but for the moment they diagnosed me with severe depression, psychotic attacks, anxiety and possible schizophrenia or depressive psychosis.
I tried to commit suicide many times, I have multiple and large scars on both forearms. My diet decreased due to depression, I have gone 3 days without eating or drinking water, I once had to be put in an ambulance and taken to a hospital to be restrained because I simply wanted to die. Unfortunately, mental health here is only treated in the right way if you have MONEY, so they left me alone in a hospital hallway for 7 hours, without any restraint or support. All they did was draw my blood, which even damaged my arm even more, because they pricked me 3 times and in a bad way, my arm was left all purple for months. And the worst of all is that my ex-partner didn't care about any of this. I never saw a tear fall from his face when he saw me bleeding, he even acted as if nothing was happening. He once laughed at a situation other than mine BUT in a situation where my best friends Amarul and Starfly saved me from bleeding to death at the Furcon "ARFF" in 2022 (There are times and times, but I can't expect more from someone as psychopathic as my ex).
Today i have 21 years old, i am surrounded by people who love me and my a wonderful boyfriend Loky, who always cares about me but unfortunately, even so, I still haven't gotten over my suicidal thoughts. I have already removed the main problem from my life, but I am left with too many after-effects... to the point of not even being able to go out on the street without panicking, I hate myself so much that I feel ashamed when people just look at me, because I feel like I am the most horrible and disgusting being on this planet... There are many strong feelings and thoughts that have me in limbo.
And to make matters worse, I'm going through an economic crisis, because I'm not opening new slots since I want to finish ALL the old orders first. But because of this, I can't afford a psychologist, psychiatrist or medicine, which means I can't even do my greatest passion, which is drawing..
I am very embarrassed to face my clients and feel like I am a total failure for taking so long with my work, I really don't want to do that. I really appreciate the trust they have in me. But right now I can't even do basic things that a human being does on a daily basis, like eating well, bathing daily, drinking water, sleeping well... I just can't....
I'm even considering checking myself into a psychiatric hospital because I simply can't handle myself anymore, every day my thoughts are about suicide, to the point that my partner Loky is afraid to go to work and well.. you know...
I really apologize to everyone, one way or another I will deliver the drawings or refund, I just ask for patience, because at this moment I can do absolutely nothing and I don't have any kind of income apart from my drawings or fursuits... they are my only jobs...
Eres una persona buena, te conozco poco y hemos intercambiado un par de charlas pero siempre que quieras hablar de algo o lo que sea podes madarme un mensajito! ( o si me das el permiso de hacerlo y que no te moleste también puedo ;D ) incluso darte algunos tips para ir implementando a la rutina poco a poquito, lit desde 0 lol
Comento mi experiencia porque en su momento hice terapia grupal y conocer los casos de los demás me ayudó a ver que no estaba solo. Me siento identificado con gran parte de lo que comentás. Vengo de un contexto complicado, donde quería refugiarme de casa yendo a la escuela, pero al mismo tiempo en la escuela era acosado, llegando incluso al abuso s*xual. Desde los 9 años que recurría a la autolesión, llegando a intentar ir un paso más a los 13, a los 20, a los 23 (primera internación psiquiátrica, que fue cuando recibí el diagnóstico de Trastorno Límite de la Personalidad), en mi cumpleaños número 25 (segunda internación, esta vez por Psicosis y probable Trastorno Esquizotípico de la Personalidad). En Octubre del año pasado tuve una recaída tras varios años limpio, producto del estrés tras sobrecargarme de trabajo, y ya me habían dado el pase para otro ingreso, lo que llevó a que mis padres tomaran acciones y a que los médicos violaran el secreto médico. Pagando alquiler tuve que quedarme en lo de mis padres. Esto me llevó a acumular rencor y a abandonar el tratamiento, lo que llevó a una espiral en decadencia, a un punto donde tuve otro intento el pasado 19 de Diciembre. Que paré al instante porque tenía gente llamándome y me di cuenta del daño que estaba haciendo, pero tuve la intención y de hecho ahora tengo que andar ocultando las marcas con un pañuelo. Mañana mismo me reintegro al trabajo.
Acabo de reactivar mis redes sociales. Me gusta decir que "siempre que llovió, escampó", aunque trato de aplicar más la filosofía de "incluso la lluvia es bien recibida en tiempos de sequía"; me hacía falta una recaída para ver que aún me queda mucho por recorrer, algún aprendizaje saco de esta experiencia. La única meta que me propuse para 2025 es centrarme en mí mismo y en mi salud mental. De momento tengo rachas donde sigo teniendo pensamientos intrusivos, delirios persecutorios e ideas autorreferenciales, todo producto de una imagen de mí mismo desmejorada, reconocerlos sigue siendo una lucha constante, pero trato de ser lo más racional que puedo y trato de no actuar en consecuencia de los pensamientos. Ahora estoy viendo de hacerme un tatuaje en el antebrazo (que, afortunadamente, las cicatrices más notorias están solo ahí).
Retomar el tratamiento psiquiátrico tampoco está fácil en mi caso porque la burocracia acá en Uruguay es un asco y tras recibir el pase a psiquiatría no consigo hora con especialista. Pero una vez consiga, será cuestión de seguir el tratamiento a rajatabla y no saltarme ninguna dosis, el efecto rebote de dejar la medicación es peor que si nunca la hubieras tomado en primer lugar, así que es un dato que tenés que tener en cuenta, porque si te terminan internando, te dan medicación, pero si te dan el alta y no podés continuar el tratamiento, va a ser mucho peor. Primero y primordial, es que consigas ayuda (sé que una cosa es decirlo y otra aplicarlo cuando hay problemas económicos de por medio), noté que en el período de dos años y cuatro meses que estuve sin autolesionarme seguía el tratamiento al pie de la letra y coincidió que estaba llevando un ritmo de vida saludable, que de repente era un poco lento, pero era algo que yo podía manejar.
Respecto a cómo te desvalorizás, seré conciso: Hay gente de mierda por todos lados haciendo vida completamente normal y sin remordimientos. Es injusto que vos te hundas así.
Si estuviste en la ArFF en 2024 y viste a alguien teniendo una crisis de pánico en el lobby del hotel, muy probablemente era yo. Jaja
De corazón espero que te encuentres mejor en la medida de lo posible. No nos conocemos de nada, y lamentablemente no cuento con la capacitación profesional para asistir en caso de una crisis. Pero quizá te sirva de algo escuchar mi punto de vista o mi experiencia, o quizá desahogarte cuando precises.