Im writing this as a way to hopefully clear my head, try to get all the buzzing to stop and (hopefully) get some sleep. I have always hated my place in the fandom. I have hated how hard it is for me to make friends, talk to people, keep in touch. I've desperately tried to improve in that space, but due to my upbringing and fear of talking, it's a constant wall that builds up faster then I can break it down. When I do make friends I tend to obsess over stuff, which for the most part I have learn can only go so far until it ends said friendship. The Furry fandom, in my eyes is and has always been a popularity contest. many ways and kinds of popularity. But one nevertheless. This past few years have been though for me. I lost a friend of 10 years, was displaced twice. Lost my dad, my Aunt. I've been physically separated from my boyfriend for over a year now, and hurt. And just a few months ago I lost my mom.

The only thing keeping me going right now is my dog. If I didn't have her to take care of I most likely would of jumped off a bridge by now. I see all the time people living their lives, being happy, loved and wanted and I just don't feel that. I've always felt people in this fandom didn't care for me. Maybe it's one of those things that if i could read minds I would see I am very wrong. Or maybe I'm right. I don't know if it's being envious or whatever but I see someone like Dogbomb or Dragoneer. People who brought so much light and life and warmth to the community. Made people stop and think, thankful to Dragoneer for creating a space where they met their friends and loved ones. Thankful for Dogbomb who showed nothing but kindness and courage. I want to be that. I want to make people happy, spark inspiration and make this world a better and more happy place. But then I look at myself and all that crumbles away. How can I do any of that if I can't find an ounce of those things in me to start with.

Ever since my mom passed, I have been alone beside the dog. I just walk around the house looking at so much stuff, so many things I have to go though, make sure of what I want to do with it. and it's becoming to much for me. I see my RL friends growing, changing, doing what adults should do. Meanwhile I'm stuck. I'm not smart, I'm not good looking. I'm shit at making friends and talking to new people. I'm lost.

Tomorrow will be the same as every other day. I get up, take care of the dog. then go back and forth between the computer and bed. I'll think of ideas of how to start a fur-meet or con. and pretend I have the capabilities to do so. Then I'll sit down and wait for the day to be over Looking up at the pictures on the wall that make me realize just how alone I really am. For the longest time my greatest fear has been death and the unknown. But now being surrounded by it for the past few years. I don't know if it doesn't scare me as much or if I'm just to tried to care anymore.

I guess that is all for now. I know people don't normally look at journals or my stuff really so I know this wont be noticed by most. Hell whenever I do die with how bad I am at keeping in contact I wouldn't be surprised if people don't even notice for a while. Anyway, gnight.