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hey (health update)
10 months ago
Can't sleep. Feel like crap.
So my heart basically has an electrical defect and nearly killed me (twice). I went into the hospital for almost two weeks, and now I'm recovering with a surgical wound in my chest and a brand spankin' new defib/pacemaker combo.
I'm uh... Not doing so hot. I'm suffering from what I can best describe as PTSD every time my heartbeat rises, I'm not sleeping, and this pain is awful and intense. I have no energy, and I'm just...Drained. Drained and scared and hurting.
I'm sorry I didn't get back to people about the Halloween shorts, but it's just been one thing after another, and then my heart just... Gave out, so to speak. Vertigo, cold sweats, shortness of breath... They shocked me the first time while I was awake, which was an experience I cannot suggest anyone have to deal with. The next time my heart started freaking out was after a week in the hospital. They had to put me under and shock me with the defib system three times. I actually have a circular marking where they had to do that. Minor burn scar, maybe? Not sure. It's weird, though.
I'm not asking for charity. I'm not trying to look for sympathy, either. I'm just... I guess screaming into the void. Everything feels like I'll never be okay again, and like every time I try to get back into a good space and do something worthwhile with my writing, something comes out of nowhere to sweep the leg.
This has put an incredible strain on my family, and I'm so fucking depressed and exhausted. I just want everything to stop, and to I want to stop being scared of sleep, and of the looming electrical shocks that can come at any time, and at a future of a weakened heart and reduced capacity.
I just want the hurting to stop. I want to make money so I can get things I like, and do things I like, and help support my family. I want to be better, but it's so goddamn impossible to feel like I'll ever be okay again.
I guess this is kind of an explanation of why the Halloween stuff didn't happen, as well as just venting a little. Only two people even seemed interested in the sale, so it's not like it disappointed a whole crowd, y'know? But I still feel bad about it. I feel bad about everything, right now.
So yeah. I'm alive, which is the best I can say. And I'm going to have to work on recovery for a long, long time, I think. But I'm still here. And I'm still trying. And even if I don't really sleep, I can pass out once in a while for short stints.
And to quote one of my favorite songs: As long as I wake up, I'm already stronger than dead.
So my heart basically has an electrical defect and nearly killed me (twice). I went into the hospital for almost two weeks, and now I'm recovering with a surgical wound in my chest and a brand spankin' new defib/pacemaker combo.
I'm uh... Not doing so hot. I'm suffering from what I can best describe as PTSD every time my heartbeat rises, I'm not sleeping, and this pain is awful and intense. I have no energy, and I'm just...Drained. Drained and scared and hurting.
I'm sorry I didn't get back to people about the Halloween shorts, but it's just been one thing after another, and then my heart just... Gave out, so to speak. Vertigo, cold sweats, shortness of breath... They shocked me the first time while I was awake, which was an experience I cannot suggest anyone have to deal with. The next time my heart started freaking out was after a week in the hospital. They had to put me under and shock me with the defib system three times. I actually have a circular marking where they had to do that. Minor burn scar, maybe? Not sure. It's weird, though.
I'm not asking for charity. I'm not trying to look for sympathy, either. I'm just... I guess screaming into the void. Everything feels like I'll never be okay again, and like every time I try to get back into a good space and do something worthwhile with my writing, something comes out of nowhere to sweep the leg.
This has put an incredible strain on my family, and I'm so fucking depressed and exhausted. I just want everything to stop, and to I want to stop being scared of sleep, and of the looming electrical shocks that can come at any time, and at a future of a weakened heart and reduced capacity.
I just want the hurting to stop. I want to make money so I can get things I like, and do things I like, and help support my family. I want to be better, but it's so goddamn impossible to feel like I'll ever be okay again.
I guess this is kind of an explanation of why the Halloween stuff didn't happen, as well as just venting a little. Only two people even seemed interested in the sale, so it's not like it disappointed a whole crowd, y'know? But I still feel bad about it. I feel bad about everything, right now.
So yeah. I'm alive, which is the best I can say. And I'm going to have to work on recovery for a long, long time, I think. But I'm still here. And I'm still trying. And even if I don't really sleep, I can pass out once in a while for short stints.
And to quote one of my favorite songs: As long as I wake up, I'm already stronger than dead.
I hope you’ll be ok…