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November Contemplations and Introspections and Me-Thought...
a year ago
Every year, I end up feeling a bit weird towards the last two months. It’s been more intense the last few years, mostly because of how the world changed, and how I have had to change with it. This…feels like it’s going to be a bit more of the same, heh.
Two years ago, I was still living with family, but it was slowly coming apart as my mom edged closer and closer to death.
One year ago, my mom was dead, and every member of the family was living separately from each other, and I’d finally moved out with a good friend.
This year, I don’t talk to most of my family anymore – despite best efforts – and I’ve moved again. Still with the same roommate, but in a different place, paying a mortgage instead of paying rent.
Overall, my life has tended more and more towards the better, on paper. Logically, I know it is better. It obviously is. But the last few years have done a lot to show me how little there was of me as a person, in some ways, due to the way that most of my twenties had gone, and the more that time goes on, the more I look back at myself and wonder what I still want to keep, and what will change.
I used to be a voracious reader. These days, I struggle to remember to drag myself away from the computer to do that for long, unless I’m away from computers in general.
I used to write for myself as well as on commission. I haven’t written for myself, outside of bits for patreon or when gifted time to do that, for a long, long time. Certainly not stuff that isn’t NSFW.
I used to meditate regularly, visualizing and sorting myself out. These days, I struggle to focus on that for long.
I used to think I was a city person, enjoying the hustle and bustle of it, of having options like when I visited friends in London and elsewhere. These days, I find myself enjoying hiking and struggling to find time for events and other things.
I guess the thing that I’m trying to say is that I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I am, who the hell I want to be, and what I want in my life. You’d think that, with my 35th birthday around the corner, I’d have a better idea of who I wanted to be in life, or how to want things, or any number of other things.
That sounds more down that I am, so let me make it clear. I’m not in a bad place. I’m in a better place, honestly, than I have been in my life. The difficulty isn’t where I am, but who I am and what I want to be. I’m in a place where I should be able to figure that out, and I hope I can, I just…
Heh, well, it’s hard to know where to start.
Don’t worry, the writing’s not stopping. I just need to figure out what else I am besides this, a gamer, a cook, and apparently a very good friend to people, heh.
Anyway, just writing out feelings, I guess, and giving people an update about where I am at the moment. Thanks for reading if you did.
Two years ago, I was still living with family, but it was slowly coming apart as my mom edged closer and closer to death.
One year ago, my mom was dead, and every member of the family was living separately from each other, and I’d finally moved out with a good friend.
This year, I don’t talk to most of my family anymore – despite best efforts – and I’ve moved again. Still with the same roommate, but in a different place, paying a mortgage instead of paying rent.
Overall, my life has tended more and more towards the better, on paper. Logically, I know it is better. It obviously is. But the last few years have done a lot to show me how little there was of me as a person, in some ways, due to the way that most of my twenties had gone, and the more that time goes on, the more I look back at myself and wonder what I still want to keep, and what will change.
I used to be a voracious reader. These days, I struggle to remember to drag myself away from the computer to do that for long, unless I’m away from computers in general.
I used to write for myself as well as on commission. I haven’t written for myself, outside of bits for patreon or when gifted time to do that, for a long, long time. Certainly not stuff that isn’t NSFW.
I used to meditate regularly, visualizing and sorting myself out. These days, I struggle to focus on that for long.
I used to think I was a city person, enjoying the hustle and bustle of it, of having options like when I visited friends in London and elsewhere. These days, I find myself enjoying hiking and struggling to find time for events and other things.
I guess the thing that I’m trying to say is that I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I am, who the hell I want to be, and what I want in my life. You’d think that, with my 35th birthday around the corner, I’d have a better idea of who I wanted to be in life, or how to want things, or any number of other things.
That sounds more down that I am, so let me make it clear. I’m not in a bad place. I’m in a better place, honestly, than I have been in my life. The difficulty isn’t where I am, but who I am and what I want to be. I’m in a place where I should be able to figure that out, and I hope I can, I just…
Heh, well, it’s hard to know where to start.
Don’t worry, the writing’s not stopping. I just need to figure out what else I am besides this, a gamer, a cook, and apparently a very good friend to people, heh.
Anyway, just writing out feelings, I guess, and giving people an update about where I am at the moment. Thanks for reading if you did.
It's good to hear that you are doing ok.
Often times, as time goes on, we think we should get more and more answers to the game of "life", just cuz experience and conventional wisdom dictates as such. But in truth...often times the new chapters we come across in life somehow just leave us in upheaval. We hope we have an idea of what we want for ourselves, and sometimes we do have a clear one in mind, however there is plenty of things that we discover we haven't figured out yet, and that's ok. The journey is still commencing, and not everyone who wanders is lost.
I think you have more figured out than you think you do, and before long the next chapter or phase of your life will provide you some fulfilling context. 🙂
my point is, don't lament not knowing who you are at 34. "you at 34" is a completely different person to "you at 30", "you at 25", and so on. look forward, follow your instincts, do things you want to do, you'll get a hold on yourself just fine.
i'm really glad you're in a better place these days, Drac. hit me up if you wanna talk about cooking!