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My various health things, because I find it interesting
11 months ago
Journal just because why not. I'm up late, don't feel like going to bed just yet, and I finally have a laptop with a fully working keyboard again, so I'm enjoying being able to type normally for the first time in months. I wanted to type something up, but wasn't sure what I wanted to type, so this is what I came up with. One of my online friends is a med student and he's found me fascinating because of all the random health issues I have lol. Honestly, I forget about a lot of them sometimes since most of it is stuff that's just normal to me. But here it is anyways! I'm separating it by things I've had officially diagnosed, and then things that haven't been officially diagnosed but they're super obvious to the point of not needing a diagnosis. And then within those groups, I have them listed from biggest impact to my life, to least impact to my life.
Diagnosed:
Repetitive Stress Injury - My wrists have issues. I was diagnosed with RSI and was told I should be fine after giving my wrists a break for long enough. When I first had my wrist issues, it was bad enough that I could barely do anything. I couldn't carry anything mildly heavy. I couldn't cook. I couldn't type without a lot of pain. Videogames were out of the question unless it was something where you could idle most of the time, like Bloons. It took nearly a year before they started to get better. They've never fully recovered though. They're kind of ok if I don't do too much with them for a while, but even then I sometimes have periods where I can't do too much. There are things I've had to give up completely. I used to play piano and bass guitar, but I can't do that anymore. I can't play games with a mouse and keyboard anymore. I've found that I can play games with a Switch Pro controller, which means yay, I can play FFXIV. I can't play games with Xbox controllers though because they're too bulky and give me issues pretty quickly. I have no idea about Playstation controllers. I can use VR controllers thankfully, which means I can do VR chat here and there. I do have the issue though that I can't write for long periods of time, which sucks considering I'm writing a visual novel ^^'
Torn PCL - The biggest issue I have at the moment is a torn PCL. Basically, it's an injury to the tendon in my left knee that's responsible for bending the knee backwards. So what that means is I can barely bend my left knee at all, so it's permanently straight out. Or at least close to being straight out. I can bend it a tiny amount, but not enough to really be useful. Sitting down on a chair is difficult because it means my leg has to be out at a weird angle, and then it hurts after a while due to having no support behind the knee. So because of that, I just spend most of my time sitting in bed or standing up. Getting into cars is difficult because either I have to be in the front seat, or the chair in front needs to be pushed all the way forward if I try to get in the back seat, and in some cars it can't be pushed forward enough. I don't think I'd be able to ride in a plane easily, which means no traveling for me. I'm on a waiting list to get surgery, but I've been told by someone else who had the surgery that it'll likely take a couple years before they finally get to me. Apparently once I do get surgery though, my knee should be as good as new. I mean, I'll have to let it heal and then do physical therapy and stuff before I get to that point, but it is nice knowing I should eventually be back to normal later on down the line.
Acid Reflux - I developed acid reflux when I was 11 or 12 and had to cut out a lot of foods from my diet as a result. Nothing spicy. No citrus. Nothing carbonated like soda. No juice. No garlic or onions or tomatoes or leeks or a lot of different other various things. No coffee. Every type of alcohol I know of is a no-go. No chocolate (though white chocolate is ok because it's not real chocolate). I have to avoid certain types of cooking, like whatever fast food places do to their fried chicken. I have to avoid some dairy stuff, like anything with lots of cream. No barely any oil. No vinegar. Thankfully I'm completely fine as long as I avoid all of that stuff. It sounds like a lot, but honestly, I really don't think much of it. I put it high on my list in terms of it affecting my life, but that moreso just affects things when it comes to other people wanting to cook stuff or go to certain restaurants. I don't view any of that other stuff as food, the same way that I don't view aluminum foil and sand as food. I've tried medication before, but it hasn't worked. My husband has asked me several times to consider surgery, but the risks outweigh the benefits to me, and I didn't even like most of those foods to begin with.
Bipolar Disorder Type 2 - The way I got diagnosed was a little weird. After I got tinnitus, my doctor said that antidepressants help with it for some unknown reason, and so I should see a psychiatrist since it was already suspected that I might have depression anyways. When I met with a psychiatrist, she asked me a bunch of questions and stuff, some of which I didn't understand why I was being asked, and then I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 2. I knew that My mom had been previously diagnosed, but I didn't fully understand what it was. I just knew what it was like to live with someone else who had it. I learned pretty quickly that there was a bad stigma around it, since I had several treat me badly when I mentioned it. My ex straight-up said he didn't believe I actually had it, and acted very weird about it. Actually, I've had several other people tell me they didn't believe my diagnosis was real. I don't know why people are like that. So because of all that, I chose to believe that the psychiatrist didn't know what she was talking about and that there was nothing wrong with me. I did keep a mood journal though and did notice a pattern. I would have about 3 or so days of hypermania, then it would immediately be followed by me crashing into depression mixed with lots of anger, and then I'd have a week or two of being normal. And then it would repeat. I later learned that that's a somewhat rare type of Bipolar Disorder called Ultrarapid Cycling. Most people who have the disorder have their cycle take a year or more to complete. So yay, I'm weird. I actually feel like having this type makes things easier on me, since basically I can always see a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how bad my depressive episodes get, I know that if I can hold out for a while, I'll come out of it. I'm also lucky in that I have a good support system with my husband and friends. I'm also on medication now which has completely changed my life for the better. My episodes are way shorter and less intense now, so I get to be more of a normal person finally.
Trying to describe what it's like having bipolar disorder is kind of interesting. When it comes to someone having bipolar disorder, to someone from the outside looking in, it looks like the person with the disorder has randomly changed out of nowhere for no reason. Suddenly their mood is way different and it can seem like they're a different person. From the point of view of the person who has it, it feels like it's everyone else who has changed. Or at least that's what it's like for me. When I'm in a high (hypomania), it feels like everything is super good, and that everyone else is awesome and stuff. Or something like that. But then when I come crashing down into a low, it feels like everyone around me has suddenly become extremely rude and hateful, and so I respond as if that's what's actually going on. But because of the fact that the other people around me haven't actually changed, the reality is that I'm acting out on something imaginary. The way to deal with that and counteract it is very strange, because it feels completely unnatural. It feels like I'm essentially having to lie to myself. I have to tell myself that the people around me who are treating me terribly are not, in fact, treating me badly. And so even though I feel like that's the case, I essentially have to pretend that's not happening at all. It sort of feels like I'm having to gaslight myself. Thankfully, that's easier to do when you have people you trust. My husband is not an emotional person, so if it suddenly feels like he's attacking me, I trust that he isn't really doing that, no matter how much it feels like he is.
Despite the stigma around Bipolar Disorder, I'm fine being public about it. The way I view it is that I can hopefully be proof to other people who have the disorder that you can live with it, and it doesn't have to rule your life. And if I can live my life normally despite having it, then there's hope that other people can too.
Anxiety - A lot of people have anxiety, so there's not too much to say here. It used to be really bad for me, to the point where I couldn't bring myself to go to the store to get food despite having nothing left at home. I've managed to mostly work past it now, though there are still other things that give me issues.
Tinnitus - Tinnitus is surprisingly common. It basically means that my ears ring permanently. It never stops. I got it after going to a concert where I ended up being right next to one of the speakers. It was really bad for a while, but it's gotten quieter over the years. I'm also used to it, so it's easy for me to tune it out unless I'm thinking about it. I do have to make sure to not be in places that are too loud, and I can't have the volume up loud on my headphones, otherwise it gets worse for a while. It's worse in my right ear since that's the side that was by the speaker.
Kidney Stones - I won't go too much into it since I've posted a journal about it in the past about the surgeries I had and stuff. As of now, I still pass kidney stones from time to time, but they aren't agonizing or anything like that. They're fairly small and usually pass within a day. I also have a high pain tolerance when it comes to internal pain too, thankfully. It can be weird at times though because when I'm passing one, it can feel like it's not that bad, but then at the same time I'll be unable to sleep and will almost feel like crying. So it's kind of hard to explain. Basically, it'll hurt, but I'm not in actual agony. I view them as more of an annoyance than anything.
Undiagnosed:
Motor Tics - I've had these since middle school, though they've gotten a lot worse over the years. It used to just be that my nose would twitch a lot when I was in an unfamiliar environment, or around people I wasn't comfortable with yet. Then several years ago, it started to become constant when I was lying down, and it would happen to parts of my face that wasn't just my nose. Then it started moving further down my body over time, and now I'm at a point where my entire body has tics, and it's constant. I'm pretty sure I look really weird to people because of it, but I can't do anything about it. From what I've researched, it's likely a form of tourette syndrome, but because I have no diagnosis, I won't label it as that.
Autism - I'm 100% positive if I talked to a professional, I'd get a pretty quick and easy diagnosis. Literally everyone who knows me well has said they think I have autism, and that was before even I suspected I had it. The only reason I haven't gone to get a diagnosis is I don't see it mattering if I have a diagnosis at all. I just tell people "I'm probably autistic." My husband and a lot of my friends are autistic, and from everything they've described, I'm pretty sure I am too. There's some symptoms that I have, some I don't have, but that's how it tends to go. Nobody will have every symptom. I do definitely get special interests that will last months to years (currently it's tornados). There are several social cues that I just don't get at all. I don't stim as much anymore, but I used to a lot. I have touch sensory issues that can be pretty bad at times. There's a lot of textures out there that I just can't touch, and rubbing my hand against most things tends to feel bad. Some are worse than others. Stuff with ridges tend to be the worst. Unfortunately, hands are one of those things that gives me issues, which means no holding hands for me because of how awful it feels. There are also some sounds that give me trouble too.
Ophthalmoplegia - I didn't find out the name for this until several years ago. Basically, my left eye can't move certain directions. My husband refers to it as me having "party trick eyes" and I love that term. But yeah, if I look certain directions, my right eye will look that direction, but my left eye won't be able to follow it all the way. It's most noticeable if I look up right, left, or down left. My eye also can't fully follow if I look up, up left, or right. The only directions where my left eye can fully move are down, down right, and straight forward. So if I look in any of the directions where my left eye can't fully follow my right eye, I see double vision. Also for some reason my left ear starts twitching a bunch of I look certain directions. I have no idea why. But this does not affect my life at all, and it's been like this since birth, so I don't tend to think much of it. If anything, it feels kind of cool knowing that I get to experience something that hardly anyone else can.
Anyways, yeah. This wound up being way longer than I thought it would be, but it was fun mentioning all my various thingies. I'm not really upset about having a lot of health issues. I mostly just find it funny that somehow I have all of these together. Anyways, it is now 4am. Good night!
Diagnosed:
Repetitive Stress Injury - My wrists have issues. I was diagnosed with RSI and was told I should be fine after giving my wrists a break for long enough. When I first had my wrist issues, it was bad enough that I could barely do anything. I couldn't carry anything mildly heavy. I couldn't cook. I couldn't type without a lot of pain. Videogames were out of the question unless it was something where you could idle most of the time, like Bloons. It took nearly a year before they started to get better. They've never fully recovered though. They're kind of ok if I don't do too much with them for a while, but even then I sometimes have periods where I can't do too much. There are things I've had to give up completely. I used to play piano and bass guitar, but I can't do that anymore. I can't play games with a mouse and keyboard anymore. I've found that I can play games with a Switch Pro controller, which means yay, I can play FFXIV. I can't play games with Xbox controllers though because they're too bulky and give me issues pretty quickly. I have no idea about Playstation controllers. I can use VR controllers thankfully, which means I can do VR chat here and there. I do have the issue though that I can't write for long periods of time, which sucks considering I'm writing a visual novel ^^'
Torn PCL - The biggest issue I have at the moment is a torn PCL. Basically, it's an injury to the tendon in my left knee that's responsible for bending the knee backwards. So what that means is I can barely bend my left knee at all, so it's permanently straight out. Or at least close to being straight out. I can bend it a tiny amount, but not enough to really be useful. Sitting down on a chair is difficult because it means my leg has to be out at a weird angle, and then it hurts after a while due to having no support behind the knee. So because of that, I just spend most of my time sitting in bed or standing up. Getting into cars is difficult because either I have to be in the front seat, or the chair in front needs to be pushed all the way forward if I try to get in the back seat, and in some cars it can't be pushed forward enough. I don't think I'd be able to ride in a plane easily, which means no traveling for me. I'm on a waiting list to get surgery, but I've been told by someone else who had the surgery that it'll likely take a couple years before they finally get to me. Apparently once I do get surgery though, my knee should be as good as new. I mean, I'll have to let it heal and then do physical therapy and stuff before I get to that point, but it is nice knowing I should eventually be back to normal later on down the line.
Acid Reflux - I developed acid reflux when I was 11 or 12 and had to cut out a lot of foods from my diet as a result. Nothing spicy. No citrus. Nothing carbonated like soda. No juice. No garlic or onions or tomatoes or leeks or a lot of different other various things. No coffee. Every type of alcohol I know of is a no-go. No chocolate (though white chocolate is ok because it's not real chocolate). I have to avoid certain types of cooking, like whatever fast food places do to their fried chicken. I have to avoid some dairy stuff, like anything with lots of cream. No barely any oil. No vinegar. Thankfully I'm completely fine as long as I avoid all of that stuff. It sounds like a lot, but honestly, I really don't think much of it. I put it high on my list in terms of it affecting my life, but that moreso just affects things when it comes to other people wanting to cook stuff or go to certain restaurants. I don't view any of that other stuff as food, the same way that I don't view aluminum foil and sand as food. I've tried medication before, but it hasn't worked. My husband has asked me several times to consider surgery, but the risks outweigh the benefits to me, and I didn't even like most of those foods to begin with.
Bipolar Disorder Type 2 - The way I got diagnosed was a little weird. After I got tinnitus, my doctor said that antidepressants help with it for some unknown reason, and so I should see a psychiatrist since it was already suspected that I might have depression anyways. When I met with a psychiatrist, she asked me a bunch of questions and stuff, some of which I didn't understand why I was being asked, and then I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 2. I knew that My mom had been previously diagnosed, but I didn't fully understand what it was. I just knew what it was like to live with someone else who had it. I learned pretty quickly that there was a bad stigma around it, since I had several treat me badly when I mentioned it. My ex straight-up said he didn't believe I actually had it, and acted very weird about it. Actually, I've had several other people tell me they didn't believe my diagnosis was real. I don't know why people are like that. So because of all that, I chose to believe that the psychiatrist didn't know what she was talking about and that there was nothing wrong with me. I did keep a mood journal though and did notice a pattern. I would have about 3 or so days of hypermania, then it would immediately be followed by me crashing into depression mixed with lots of anger, and then I'd have a week or two of being normal. And then it would repeat. I later learned that that's a somewhat rare type of Bipolar Disorder called Ultrarapid Cycling. Most people who have the disorder have their cycle take a year or more to complete. So yay, I'm weird. I actually feel like having this type makes things easier on me, since basically I can always see a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how bad my depressive episodes get, I know that if I can hold out for a while, I'll come out of it. I'm also lucky in that I have a good support system with my husband and friends. I'm also on medication now which has completely changed my life for the better. My episodes are way shorter and less intense now, so I get to be more of a normal person finally.
Trying to describe what it's like having bipolar disorder is kind of interesting. When it comes to someone having bipolar disorder, to someone from the outside looking in, it looks like the person with the disorder has randomly changed out of nowhere for no reason. Suddenly their mood is way different and it can seem like they're a different person. From the point of view of the person who has it, it feels like it's everyone else who has changed. Or at least that's what it's like for me. When I'm in a high (hypomania), it feels like everything is super good, and that everyone else is awesome and stuff. Or something like that. But then when I come crashing down into a low, it feels like everyone around me has suddenly become extremely rude and hateful, and so I respond as if that's what's actually going on. But because of the fact that the other people around me haven't actually changed, the reality is that I'm acting out on something imaginary. The way to deal with that and counteract it is very strange, because it feels completely unnatural. It feels like I'm essentially having to lie to myself. I have to tell myself that the people around me who are treating me terribly are not, in fact, treating me badly. And so even though I feel like that's the case, I essentially have to pretend that's not happening at all. It sort of feels like I'm having to gaslight myself. Thankfully, that's easier to do when you have people you trust. My husband is not an emotional person, so if it suddenly feels like he's attacking me, I trust that he isn't really doing that, no matter how much it feels like he is.
Despite the stigma around Bipolar Disorder, I'm fine being public about it. The way I view it is that I can hopefully be proof to other people who have the disorder that you can live with it, and it doesn't have to rule your life. And if I can live my life normally despite having it, then there's hope that other people can too.
Anxiety - A lot of people have anxiety, so there's not too much to say here. It used to be really bad for me, to the point where I couldn't bring myself to go to the store to get food despite having nothing left at home. I've managed to mostly work past it now, though there are still other things that give me issues.
Tinnitus - Tinnitus is surprisingly common. It basically means that my ears ring permanently. It never stops. I got it after going to a concert where I ended up being right next to one of the speakers. It was really bad for a while, but it's gotten quieter over the years. I'm also used to it, so it's easy for me to tune it out unless I'm thinking about it. I do have to make sure to not be in places that are too loud, and I can't have the volume up loud on my headphones, otherwise it gets worse for a while. It's worse in my right ear since that's the side that was by the speaker.
Kidney Stones - I won't go too much into it since I've posted a journal about it in the past about the surgeries I had and stuff. As of now, I still pass kidney stones from time to time, but they aren't agonizing or anything like that. They're fairly small and usually pass within a day. I also have a high pain tolerance when it comes to internal pain too, thankfully. It can be weird at times though because when I'm passing one, it can feel like it's not that bad, but then at the same time I'll be unable to sleep and will almost feel like crying. So it's kind of hard to explain. Basically, it'll hurt, but I'm not in actual agony. I view them as more of an annoyance than anything.
Undiagnosed:
Motor Tics - I've had these since middle school, though they've gotten a lot worse over the years. It used to just be that my nose would twitch a lot when I was in an unfamiliar environment, or around people I wasn't comfortable with yet. Then several years ago, it started to become constant when I was lying down, and it would happen to parts of my face that wasn't just my nose. Then it started moving further down my body over time, and now I'm at a point where my entire body has tics, and it's constant. I'm pretty sure I look really weird to people because of it, but I can't do anything about it. From what I've researched, it's likely a form of tourette syndrome, but because I have no diagnosis, I won't label it as that.
Autism - I'm 100% positive if I talked to a professional, I'd get a pretty quick and easy diagnosis. Literally everyone who knows me well has said they think I have autism, and that was before even I suspected I had it. The only reason I haven't gone to get a diagnosis is I don't see it mattering if I have a diagnosis at all. I just tell people "I'm probably autistic." My husband and a lot of my friends are autistic, and from everything they've described, I'm pretty sure I am too. There's some symptoms that I have, some I don't have, but that's how it tends to go. Nobody will have every symptom. I do definitely get special interests that will last months to years (currently it's tornados). There are several social cues that I just don't get at all. I don't stim as much anymore, but I used to a lot. I have touch sensory issues that can be pretty bad at times. There's a lot of textures out there that I just can't touch, and rubbing my hand against most things tends to feel bad. Some are worse than others. Stuff with ridges tend to be the worst. Unfortunately, hands are one of those things that gives me issues, which means no holding hands for me because of how awful it feels. There are also some sounds that give me trouble too.
Ophthalmoplegia - I didn't find out the name for this until several years ago. Basically, my left eye can't move certain directions. My husband refers to it as me having "party trick eyes" and I love that term. But yeah, if I look certain directions, my right eye will look that direction, but my left eye won't be able to follow it all the way. It's most noticeable if I look up right, left, or down left. My eye also can't fully follow if I look up, up left, or right. The only directions where my left eye can fully move are down, down right, and straight forward. So if I look in any of the directions where my left eye can't fully follow my right eye, I see double vision. Also for some reason my left ear starts twitching a bunch of I look certain directions. I have no idea why. But this does not affect my life at all, and it's been like this since birth, so I don't tend to think much of it. If anything, it feels kind of cool knowing that I get to experience something that hardly anyone else can.
Anyways, yeah. This wound up being way longer than I thought it would be, but it was fun mentioning all my various thingies. I'm not really upset about having a lot of health issues. I mostly just find it funny that somehow I have all of these together. Anyways, it is now 4am. Good night!
