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I'm a misserable grump... (vent)
11 months ago
Small vent ahead, feel free to skip past all this. I just need to get this off my chest.
Those who've known me for a long time will know that I have kind of a "Jekyll and Hyde" thing going on, where one moment I'm chill and making lighthearted quips, and the next I'm straight up ranting about "The Joker in the Dark Knight was RIGHT!" and other such nihilistic things. I've tried to hold back that darker part of myself online because I don't think you should all have to be subjected to that, but it still affects my personal life, especially with family.
Any time the news is brought up, or philosophy, politics, science vs spirituality, or even just out of freaking nowhere because the evil inner monologue that's basically all my worst character traits crammed into one voice has been screaming in my head all day...I just blow up into a shouting rant about how much I hate everything and want nothing more than all of existence to be deleted...before flipping right back to "Hatred is toxic and we all need to get along...I have a problem.." Then just five minutes later, even if nobody has freaking said anything I'm blowing up all over again. This happens almost every day several times a day and is the main reason I try to be alone as much as possible. It's just this constant (mostly) irrational paranoia that everything and everyone is constantly trying to manipulate, control and/or physically harm me in some way, even friends and family.
And yes I have seen more psychiatrists than I can count over the years, yes I am on medication, and no I do not of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (I've been tested multiple times for both including full MRI scans). While I've been gradually getting a tiny bit better over the years, recent world events are drudging all this crap up again it makes what little I have to do in life frustratingly difficult to do.
But to put everyone's fears at rest I'm not and never have been a self-harmer or suicidal. My negative emotions always explode out outward rather than inward, so it's those around me who end up taking the brunt of it, and I know that's not okay which makes it hurt all the more every single effing time it happens.
Okay rant over, if you read this...no idea why but I apologize for totally wrecking your mood. I did warn you at the beginning.
Those who've known me for a long time will know that I have kind of a "Jekyll and Hyde" thing going on, where one moment I'm chill and making lighthearted quips, and the next I'm straight up ranting about "The Joker in the Dark Knight was RIGHT!" and other such nihilistic things. I've tried to hold back that darker part of myself online because I don't think you should all have to be subjected to that, but it still affects my personal life, especially with family.
Any time the news is brought up, or philosophy, politics, science vs spirituality, or even just out of freaking nowhere because the evil inner monologue that's basically all my worst character traits crammed into one voice has been screaming in my head all day...I just blow up into a shouting rant about how much I hate everything and want nothing more than all of existence to be deleted...before flipping right back to "Hatred is toxic and we all need to get along...I have a problem.." Then just five minutes later, even if nobody has freaking said anything I'm blowing up all over again. This happens almost every day several times a day and is the main reason I try to be alone as much as possible. It's just this constant (mostly) irrational paranoia that everything and everyone is constantly trying to manipulate, control and/or physically harm me in some way, even friends and family.
And yes I have seen more psychiatrists than I can count over the years, yes I am on medication, and no I do not of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (I've been tested multiple times for both including full MRI scans). While I've been gradually getting a tiny bit better over the years, recent world events are drudging all this crap up again it makes what little I have to do in life frustratingly difficult to do.
But to put everyone's fears at rest I'm not and never have been a self-harmer or suicidal. My negative emotions always explode out outward rather than inward, so it's those around me who end up taking the brunt of it, and I know that's not okay which makes it hurt all the more every single effing time it happens.
Okay rant over, if you read this...no idea why but I apologize for totally wrecking your mood. I did warn you at the beginning.
I do hope many of my American friends can come here though to get away from all the stupid that's taking over your country, but I also know our own immigration system is...janky at best.
Everyone’s got their own quirks to deal with, after all. And with the state of the world nowadays, I don’t really blame you for being pretty apathetic if not downright disgusted or hateful of humanity and what they’ve done — I’ve felt that way too, from time to time. And I can pretty much guarantee you a lot of other people feel the same way as well.
Again, I’m not sure if what I said will help you or not — all I’m saying is that you’re not at fault for being human, and all I’m asking is that you take good care of yourself over there, alright? :3