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Snowfalls, Peace, and a New Chapter of My Life
a year ago
General
where to even begin
so, i've done it. i've escaped the deep south.
thanks to the help of my dad whose credit paid for the plane (one way), thanks to my loving boyfriend and his family for housing me until my apartment is set, and thanks to me finally working up the willpower, i've finally escaped from my own personal hell. and not a moment too soon, as the country dives further and further into fascistic thinking.
i am, for the first time in many long years, off of my anti depressants, and my possibly misprescribed anti-psychotics. (the doctor i spoke too seemed confused about autism and idk if he really made the right call there in the first place.)
while my body learns to live without them in my system, i am at the same time more clear headed than i've been in a while, and also more prone to bouts of unexplained panic and depression.
but as i bask in this beautiful town in MInnesota, where every day so far has been a snow day. where the cold reminds me of my youth in portland oregon, and where i am finally in the arms of one of my most beloved partners, i feel for the first time completely safe.
i don't see myself ever going back. my dad's getting older and has his own problems to deal with, and he's more than happy to see me live somewhere better and safer. my little bro is figuring out life and trying to make a home for himself. my sister is as much of a co-dependant hateful human being as ever. my nonverbal brother, the one who abused me to the point of ptsd, is in a group home. even if it isn't perfect, at least they're trying to meet his needs. and my mother, the one i looked up to most, whom i carry with me the most feelings of comfort and nostalgia, has said that if she ever housed me she'd never be rid of me. i have since blocked her number and disowned her from my life.
they say not to cling too dearly to the past, because they're just comforting shadows that aren't as real as they feel. but right now, all i can see looking back is my immediate past, where no happiness can be found.
and here, in a cozy basement, in a soft bed, in a place with beautifully frigid weather, where the awaiting comfort of my partner's arms is always just within reach. i find myself with a new kind of laziness. a willingness to live in the moment. where responsibility seems to always be an afterthought. where i can just laze about in bed, or playing video games with my lover, or eat wonderful home cooked meals, while i wait for Section 8 to accept my application.
i find myself indulging in horny feelings the most lately. and this may just be menopause, as taking daily doses of estrogen results in a "time of the month" for me, in which base impulses are stronger, feelings overwelm easily, panic sets in at the drop of a dime, and the need for human touch can either be suffocating, or so unwanted i seem to jut away from it.
what i'm saying is, my mind is addled with girlyjuices, dripping with pink sticky fluids fulla lesbian hyperfixation, the urge to sub as hard as i can, and an endless need to satisfy my urges.
it's midnight where i am. i'm not thinking clearly. i might still be in withdrawal from my medication. but i feel the need to type something, to show that i'm alive and things are still moving.
and so, the question remains, what now?
well, it's the holidays. i'm gonna just lay back, enjoy the festivities, buy some gifts for my loves with the disposable income i have, and try to detox from many years of trauma.
buuuuuuuuut, as some good news. :3 you don't have to sit around and wait to see how i'm doing lately.
i now have a tumblr blog. well, i've had one for a while. but in the spirit of a new chapter of my life, and given that my following was meager, i came out as abdl and started making a whole swath of new fans.
you're welcome to come see it, to laugh at what i find funny, to see what degen thoughts fill my mind on the daily, and just to keep tabs on your favorite author.
i update it daily. one of my new habits. it keeps me sane. so you're welcome to come see it.
https://www.tumblr.com/that-hippie-.....r?source=share
as for the future. i endeavor to persue the arts, make whatever suits my fancy, get a tattoo that says BABY in big wooden blocks on my arm, and just have fun.
XD and now imma hit the hay, because i am very tired.
i hope this post wasn't too worrying. it's just my incoherant thoughts laid out as best as i could lay them.
take care, my lovely crinklewaggers
so, i've done it. i've escaped the deep south.
thanks to the help of my dad whose credit paid for the plane (one way), thanks to my loving boyfriend and his family for housing me until my apartment is set, and thanks to me finally working up the willpower, i've finally escaped from my own personal hell. and not a moment too soon, as the country dives further and further into fascistic thinking.
i am, for the first time in many long years, off of my anti depressants, and my possibly misprescribed anti-psychotics. (the doctor i spoke too seemed confused about autism and idk if he really made the right call there in the first place.)
while my body learns to live without them in my system, i am at the same time more clear headed than i've been in a while, and also more prone to bouts of unexplained panic and depression.
but as i bask in this beautiful town in MInnesota, where every day so far has been a snow day. where the cold reminds me of my youth in portland oregon, and where i am finally in the arms of one of my most beloved partners, i feel for the first time completely safe.
i don't see myself ever going back. my dad's getting older and has his own problems to deal with, and he's more than happy to see me live somewhere better and safer. my little bro is figuring out life and trying to make a home for himself. my sister is as much of a co-dependant hateful human being as ever. my nonverbal brother, the one who abused me to the point of ptsd, is in a group home. even if it isn't perfect, at least they're trying to meet his needs. and my mother, the one i looked up to most, whom i carry with me the most feelings of comfort and nostalgia, has said that if she ever housed me she'd never be rid of me. i have since blocked her number and disowned her from my life.
they say not to cling too dearly to the past, because they're just comforting shadows that aren't as real as they feel. but right now, all i can see looking back is my immediate past, where no happiness can be found.
and here, in a cozy basement, in a soft bed, in a place with beautifully frigid weather, where the awaiting comfort of my partner's arms is always just within reach. i find myself with a new kind of laziness. a willingness to live in the moment. where responsibility seems to always be an afterthought. where i can just laze about in bed, or playing video games with my lover, or eat wonderful home cooked meals, while i wait for Section 8 to accept my application.
i find myself indulging in horny feelings the most lately. and this may just be menopause, as taking daily doses of estrogen results in a "time of the month" for me, in which base impulses are stronger, feelings overwelm easily, panic sets in at the drop of a dime, and the need for human touch can either be suffocating, or so unwanted i seem to jut away from it.
what i'm saying is, my mind is addled with girlyjuices, dripping with pink sticky fluids fulla lesbian hyperfixation, the urge to sub as hard as i can, and an endless need to satisfy my urges.
it's midnight where i am. i'm not thinking clearly. i might still be in withdrawal from my medication. but i feel the need to type something, to show that i'm alive and things are still moving.
and so, the question remains, what now?
well, it's the holidays. i'm gonna just lay back, enjoy the festivities, buy some gifts for my loves with the disposable income i have, and try to detox from many years of trauma.
buuuuuuuuut, as some good news. :3 you don't have to sit around and wait to see how i'm doing lately.
i now have a tumblr blog. well, i've had one for a while. but in the spirit of a new chapter of my life, and given that my following was meager, i came out as abdl and started making a whole swath of new fans.
you're welcome to come see it, to laugh at what i find funny, to see what degen thoughts fill my mind on the daily, and just to keep tabs on your favorite author.
i update it daily. one of my new habits. it keeps me sane. so you're welcome to come see it.
https://www.tumblr.com/that-hippie-.....r?source=share
as for the future. i endeavor to persue the arts, make whatever suits my fancy, get a tattoo that says BABY in big wooden blocks on my arm, and just have fun.
XD and now imma hit the hay, because i am very tired.
i hope this post wasn't too worrying. it's just my incoherant thoughts laid out as best as i could lay them.
take care, my lovely crinklewaggers
I'm really glad you're in a better place!!