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The state of my mind
9 months ago
This is a journal about my fear, and is probably going to be a bit of a ramble, I'm not sure what I want to say or how I want to say it. The last number of years have been.. Rough, I've already told some of the events to friends but I won't go into it here. At least I have finally told some people rather than kept it bottled up inside any longer than I already had.
I have experienced things that have stuck with me, they have followed me for years, and it stopped me from experiencing my life. I couldn't tell if I was feeling joy, I would cry sometimes without knowing why or even sometimes realising that I was. The memories took their toll on me, as much as I pretended they didn't or glossed over their existence, I did not realise how badly it was affecting me until about a year ago when I finally started to take a close look at myself, I had been avoiding doing so for a long time. I had started hiding away from the world and friends, and I have had trouble opening up and trusting people even with simple things, rarely even leaving the house.
It has taken time and effort I have been managing to pull myself out of that pit, I have been able to tell that I'm experiencing fun again, and been wanting to talk with friends more, to stop hiding. I still slide back occasionally, it is a struggle even to tell someone that I'm going AFK or heading to bed, like I don't want to share even the smallest detail. It feels like opening up in any slight way will put me in very real danger. I'm trying to tell that feeling to bugger off, I have managed more successfully of late, but sometimes it comes on so strongly and without warning.
I'm trying to improve, and I know have the support of my friends even if I find it difficult to open up to their efforts or let them know that I appreciate them. That I'm able to write this at all is proof that I am no longer stuck in that pit and can climb out, even if I fall back into it sometimes. It's as much for myself to know that and to be able to believe it, as it is to let others know. I still have healing to do, I may still have for a long while to come.
I have experienced things that have stuck with me, they have followed me for years, and it stopped me from experiencing my life. I couldn't tell if I was feeling joy, I would cry sometimes without knowing why or even sometimes realising that I was. The memories took their toll on me, as much as I pretended they didn't or glossed over their existence, I did not realise how badly it was affecting me until about a year ago when I finally started to take a close look at myself, I had been avoiding doing so for a long time. I had started hiding away from the world and friends, and I have had trouble opening up and trusting people even with simple things, rarely even leaving the house.
It has taken time and effort I have been managing to pull myself out of that pit, I have been able to tell that I'm experiencing fun again, and been wanting to talk with friends more, to stop hiding. I still slide back occasionally, it is a struggle even to tell someone that I'm going AFK or heading to bed, like I don't want to share even the smallest detail. It feels like opening up in any slight way will put me in very real danger. I'm trying to tell that feeling to bugger off, I have managed more successfully of late, but sometimes it comes on so strongly and without warning.
I'm trying to improve, and I know have the support of my friends even if I find it difficult to open up to their efforts or let them know that I appreciate them. That I'm able to write this at all is proof that I am no longer stuck in that pit and can climb out, even if I fall back into it sometimes. It's as much for myself to know that and to be able to believe it, as it is to let others know. I still have healing to do, I may still have for a long while to come.
But at the end of the day it's just about finding a way for you to be both aware and content with what you got, or stride to get / find whatever is missing. And being aware of yourself, truely knowing who you are, sucks. To acknowledge all those flaws, we all have, is cumbersome and awkward, but having people you can rely on, even a little, helps with the burden. They wont carry any off it for you, but they will lighten the load for you (Mister Frodo).
Also, it's ok to be selfish, if you need time, take it. If you need to think about something /work on yourself, do it. Martyrdom is for fools and heros. And you're Kage, either a fool nor a hero. Just Kage, you. And thats pretty dope.
Hope any of this outside perspective helps.