So it's that rare time again that I put out a journal on how I'm doing.

My last one was some vague information about how I just wasn't doing very well at all, but trying to improve. I went to counselling for a little while, it helped in some ways and in others it just made it worse, pulling things to the surface that I only ever want to shove down and forget about, but ultimately it only made me try all the harder to find my own way to get better.

Well, a few years ago I got out of a bad situation, my counsellor saying that I was abused, not physically but mentally and emotionally. I escaped my ex after having been stuck there for a couple years even after it was meant to be over, although she pretended it wasn't. Unable to move because lockdown had just started, but I finally eventually moved out after things had calmed down. It felt great and I felt wonderful for a time, though I became so obsessed with doing things on my own terms to the point I became a shut in and avoided contact with people even through IMs, no attempt to make local friends.

I've found that my ability to trust people has been somewhat damaged and it's become hard to do so, not in that I don't think people are trustworthy, but it's more my willingness to entrust and engage, if that makes sense. It's become more difficult for me to strike up conversation or spend time with someone. I feel in general like I need to keep my thoughts and troubles to myself, in part because I feel the intense need to handle my own problems, in part because I don't want to unleash them on someone else, and in another because once I've shared mine, the other shares theirs. It feels selfish because I don't want to discuss problems someone might be having. I'm no longer emotionally stable enough or willing to handle that responsibility that someone hands me and I'm scared I come off like an uncaring jerk.

I'm trying to overcome this, one bit at a time, I don't want to ignore others or wallow in my own personal hells. I'm trying to rediscover things that allow me to enjoy life. I've started writing a journal, not every day but most days, it helps with learning to express myself again. I've began filling up sketchbooks again with studies and doodles, reaffirming my love for art in general and not just as a job. I'm also trying to get myself out to local meets, it's difficult and slow but at least I'm trying now rather than not even making the attempt.

Physically I've been dealing with acid-reflux/gastritis problems since the start of the year but I think I'm on the mend there. I also recently had a consultation at a dental hospital about removing an impacted molar, apparently the actual date for surgery is going to be sometime next year so yay more waiting. But I'm becoming healthier overall, eating better, more exercise, losing weight, I'm feeling good.

Not really sure where I'm going with this. I just wanted to get something written out.