Been wanting to make this journal for a little while now and been trying to think of how to put it exactly.

The baseline is that I am pretty much always lowkey depressed or anxious. I can put it off pretty well if I find something to do or someone to talk to, that is, if I manage to be active or engaged then it's tucked safely to the back of my mind. But it is always there lurking.

I'd call myself functionally depressed (there's probably a better term for it, pretty sure I'm just cribbing off of 'functional alcoholic'). To put it another way, I'm sad most of the time but I still manage to get at least basic needs done, laundry, shopping, work, generally feeding myself, the stuff that I -have- to get done I can manage, whatever mood I'm in. Sometimes the feeding myself is lazy or indulgent like just getting fast food or ordering a pizza and I've probably let my dishes pile up a little more than I should (to be fair, I have a -ton- of them and it's 90% silverware, so it's easy to put it off when I still have tons of clean forks, knives, and spoons) and laundry sometimes doesn't get put away until just before bed. But the basic point is that I get it done so it doesn't trip me up worse later. Of course that doesn't make any of it easy and at times it's still a struggle, particularly if I'm at a dip and find it hard to motivate myself to get going. For some stuff I mostly manage it because I just stick to a fairly rigid schedule, like I do my grocery shopping sunday mornings since a lot of the stores are quiet while everyone is at church or I usually eat dinner around 6 or 7.

But in the in between moments, basically when I have free time, I struggle to keep myself active. I catch myself just checking between a half dozen sites like bluesky or my e-mail or FA, usually to find something to engage with, even just to leave a comment or fav/save a pic or something. Finding a new artist is always momentarily exciting as I check through their feed or gallery for more stuff I might like. Or I'll check my bank and investment accounts to see where everything sits for the day.

I'm doing okay on money. I make enough that my basic needs are met. A big part of my anxiety the last few years has been family and inheritance/estate stuff. For those that don't know, in brief, all my grandparents have passed away and on my father's side that got Complicated. And then in July of '23 my father passed away. I'm not going to detail everything other than it was extremely stressful, particularly everything leading up to it (drug use was involved, not on my part). But long story short, I'm going to be inheriting his house with my sisters, whom I'm going to buy out of the house and I'll be the sole owner, so pretty much ever since I've been fastidiously checking all my assets and going over the plan pretty much daily to make sure that, yes indeed, I can make this happen. It will involve taking out a loan in the end, I simply don't have enough saved up. I'm not thrilled to have to do it during record high interest rates but it's also not going to be an amount large enough that I'm going to struggle to pay it every month. And hopefully in a couple years or so interest rates will drop low enough I'll have the opportunity to refinance or something. But there's a difference between "I think I can make this happen" and "This happened and worked out" and I'm still in the former stage (cuz California estate stuff is long, drawn out, and the Complicated portion of my grandparents stuff has dragged this out to farcical levels). And just the whole legal mess has left it so any time I get a text I get anxious, particularly from my sisters, that something has gone wrong or there's another legal hurdle or something to deal with. It's getting better slowly, but I'm not really going to stop being anxious about it until I'm on the other side and like 95% of it is completely settled and done with.

And of course I miss my family. I really don't have much of it left. There's my 2 younger sisters and their kids (and my brother in law) We never got along much as kids, we've mellowed out more now but it's hard to not still feel that wedge between us and knowing they can just as easily default back to old habits if I do something to upset them or disagree. Fortunately they have been very amiable about all the house/inheritance stuff so that's been a relief. But yeah. I still miss mom and she's been gone 9 years now. Her mom (my last grandparent) passed away in '23 like Dad. So it hasn't been a great couple years. I even miss Dad some, but the last couple years with him really strained things because of what he was going through and chose to do to himself. So holidays get me a little blue naturally.

I have my friends of course, which I'm very thankful for. But no one local, except an old high school friend I haven't seen in person in years as he's usually just busy with his family. I have a lot of coworkers I'm on good terms with but I keep them at a remove, that is, I only ever see them at work because I still live and work in a deeply conservative town (I don't have to tell you how uncomfortable it was the day after the election) So they don't know all that many details of my personal life and absolutely nothing about my sexuality or fandom interests. I'm just the quiet polite nerdy guy and I can carry small talk pretty decently. So the bulk of my interactions are still over text and that is fine, I communicate better over text anyway where I can consider my thoughts a little better and be more articulate.
But talking online has it's faults. Folks get busy, folks get into moods, folks have their own things going on, can't respond right away or even maintain a conversation. And that's fine, everyone should have their own thing going on. We're all people. I don't need someone to entertain me 24/7, but yeah there are times where I'll be sitting by myself, lots of unreads on the other end, or trying to get folks attention and just getting frustrated. It's an easy way to crash my mood, where I'll just look for something to distract myself with, a game if I'm up for it, a book maybe, but more often I usually just go curl up for a bit.
And relationships aren't easy. I'm always worried I'm being annoying or too much or spamming someone. I can be very one track minded. And a lot of friends are very kind and accommodating and even tell me not to worry, though when I'm looking for reciprocation it's not really a comfort so much as just making me feeling tolerated, which is in a way worse. Especially if I'm trying to be intimate, I don't want to feel just safely ignored. That kinda hurts worse than just being told no, like it's just a wild hair that'll pass. And I do admit, I know I get attached to folks and can feel very strongly for them to the point I'm doing a lot of heavy lifting in the relationship and can and will burn out eventually. I'm a pleaser and a try hard and that can just rub folks the wrong way or make them unsure how to respond, or worse feel like they're not contributing if they can't match me, so they just stay quiet. It's always a juggling act where I am trying to accommodate and not overstep boundaries. It's hard to remember everybody's exact likes/dislikes and I know I step on more than a few toes from time to time, particularly those whom I'm very affectionate for but have very tight/small boundaries they don't want me crossing.
And I know a can make people feel stupid. I mean I've been told as such lately by a few folks. I am very aware I can come across as a smug know it all correcting people and lecturing them, particularly if I feel I'm in the right. I try not to and I try to catch myself when I do that. It's a little too easy to do, especially if it's an area where I feel I'm pretty knowledgeable and trying to be caught up on the news and latest political goings on is just always a minefield. So I have to step carefully and check myself.
Have also just been more hyper aware of growing distant with people. I've lost some folks that still kind of haunt me. I just don't handle loss that well anymore and it doesn't even have to be someone passing.
I've had one friend whom I knew for years and years and I was very intimate with and he has very clearly developed a pretty severe mental illness. It started slow, small things, he just slowly got meaner and more paranoid. He'd see things I was commenting on and just turn it into an argument, very often news related stuff. But it got weirder, stuff like claiming COVID was a fungus and he could 'see' it in the air. It got bad to the point that I just had to break contact. It was just too much to handle. I've still kept tabs on him (he's a fur) but he's very clearly gotten worse and I just don't have any resources or means to help him and I don't know that he has anyone close to him to help either. It's just watching a very slow motion car crash that's either going to end with him harming himself or somewhere else and I don't really have anything I can do about it.
I had another friend, a frequent RP partner, again that I knew for years and years. We didn't always talk but we were never quiet too long, we'd still play off and on frequently. And then one summer a few years ago right toward the end of the pandemic he just started to ghost me. Stopped responding, except one drunken new years well wish that quickly went back to ghosting. It hurt and I wasn't sure what I'd done to warrant it, maybe politics, maybe embarrassing him on facebook a couple times (all accidentally). It wasn't until about 6 months ago I finally hit him up out of the blue and got a response. His answer was pretty unsatisfying, all told. Basically just told me he just stopped feeling horny. He offered to still remain friends. But I mean, if you think you can ask that after 3 years of ghosting without explanation... it rings a little hollow y'know? But it was an answer at least, so we've parted ways again. But I still just feel used up and discarded after nearly a couple decades of loyalty. So yeah I still think about it. i'll let it go eventually I think.
I am, unfortunately, sort of used to people just getting tired of me and moving on. When they figure out that they aren't going to get what they want from me or they realize that no, this is just how I am most of the time, they just poof. But that's the nature of the internet ya? People are fleeting and finding good friends is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Still hurts every time it happens, particularly if it's someone I was more attached to or got along with.

I still have a lot of friends. I love them and I'm very thankful for them every day. I'm always there to help and support them and I know they rely on me. We're all going through tough times. I try to lend an ear when I can and advice if it's something I can talk intelligently to. Though I know I have a habit of seeing a problem and trying to fix it to the extent I can and I don't always have the tools or resources to deal with that. And I know I can overextend myself and try too hard to kinda keep everyone up while I'm letting myself suffer.

And I know I'm loved. I know I'm cared for. I know I'm not just 'useful' to people. They even tell me that, some frequently. I appreciate it very much even if I don't always have the words to express that. When my mood is really down, I tend to dip hard into imposter syndrome. And it's devastating to hear someone say they love you and not feeling worthy of it. It makes me feel ashamed and often I'll just curl up feeling worthless. It usually passes. But it's something I always carry because it's just very hard for me to accept that what I do, what I make, matters. And I know it does. But it's one thing to be told it and an entirely nothing to just.. accept that internally. It's something I'm still working on. And probably where I have my lowest lows with.

And I can't fix everything. I have so many friends and so many of them have problems that just can't be fixed easily. Health problems, mental problems, social problems, money problems, problems with family or friends. I'd have to rearrange heaven and earth itself to fix everything. So all I can do is try what I can, even if it doesn't feel enough for me I know it helps and I try to take comfort in that. And I just have to keep trying. I know things can and will get better, we have to try to help each other when and where we can and we'll carry through past the worst of things. but man does it feel sisyphean in task at times and every set back is a new discouragement. But that's life, ya? When it rains it pours and all that. But the sun always rises the next day and as long as there's breath in my body I'll keep going as best as I can. Sometimes I just have to realize I need to pace myself or when to step back from a problem that is too big for me.

Obviously I'm stressed about the incoming administration. Quite a few folks saw my thread on bluesky discussing how bad my anxiety was election night. I don't have high hopes the next few years will be anything but a repeat of 2016 and on (read: total shitshow). I have fewer family to worry about, but on the other hand, this may affect my job, so I have that to worry about. The only tiny saving grace is that if things really go south, I have enough in my 401k to cover the loan I'll have to take out on the house and live off for a while til I find something else. Though it doesn't thrill me I even have to think of that as a back up plan. I'm shakily confident it won't come to that but I never know when the next curve ball is coming.

Trying to work on my health. I'm really happy that I've made a lot of good progress with my cholesterol to the point my doctor was actually jealous as my numbers were under his. I am still working on my blood pressure though. Trying to walk more, which thankfully work is good for (on good days I can walk about 3 miles or so) but the weather lately has put a damper on that. And I'm trying to eat better, less fast food, less sugar. I've quit soda and curbed back a lot on my sugar intake. I'm still working on fixing food for myself, like actual cooking, rather than relying on pre-made stuff and soups and sandwiches. I do still have a bad habit of stress eating so whenever my anxiety hits I'll end up snacking a lot or I'll go seek comfort food, like some ice cream or pizza. I am aware of it and working on it, but it's slow and..I'm a very anxious person these days. And its the holidays so there's been an extreme amount of temptation and high calorie treats. My best discipline is simply not putting a temptation where I have easy access to it and that's completely out the window when coworkers bring in donuts or cookies or have a potluck etc. So all I can do is manage what I have control over, which I like to think I am improving on.

My writing is stalled. I have ideas and projects I want to work on. But as noted above, with all the stuff I'm stressed and anxious for, it's been hard to let myself get into the right mindset to work on stuff. And I have a bad habit of trying to do things to please others, which is made all the worse when they just don't respond to it or say thank you or the like (This is not always the case. A lot of stuff I write specifically for folks is well received and I'm excited when I can do it for someone) I know I need to work more at doing things for myself and just for my pleasure. I have taken to tossing some scribbles up on pillowfort when it strikes me enough. But I want to do more than just pick at snippets and I have a few projects in mind I want to work on. I've had a little comedy sex novella I've wanted to do for a while (some of the character art is even in my gallery) and I have some stuff with Magus Springtome I'd like to do. I've also just been wanting to use my doberman Lance more for some just pure self indulgence. So it's all baby steps.

Intimacy wise, I am of course still single, if all the above wasn't a clue. I do get lonely, certainly. But for the time being I am comfortable enough being single. I do kind of wish I could be closer with people (No this is not an invitation). I don't really get physical relations much except when I travel to see friends and travel makes it kind of hard to want to be horny. Most of my stimulation just comes from online stuff, which is overall fine. I'm a very stuck in my head person, so stuff that's mentally stimulating gets me off plenty well. But I do struggle with trying to communicate to friends and partners what I really like. It seems like it'd be obvious to me, and I try to herd folks toward that. But I still feel a disconnect and folks just... doing things that I'm not into that much. Like, I am very comfortable identifying as a submissive bottom, I'm a pleaser, I like to do things to people, and I like reciprocation but often people reciprocate with what -they- like, if that makes sense. Just feels like a constant uphill battle of trying to get folks to understand what my buttons are or that I'd like them pressed more often. Or that I'd like more than just foreplay and teasing. Those can be great! Again I enjoy casual intimacy. But there's only so many times I can be teased or get just up to the fun part and then not do it before I... want to actually get to the fun part? It's another thing that can get me down because sometimes I just feel like I'm barking up the wrong tree, just leaving me flustered and unsatisfied. A lot of times I just feel like my needs aren't being met, to put a point on it. I do miss when I had more regular playmates to do stuff with but that's been whittled down quite a lot over the years, like some of the above I've mentioned.
Anyway, Relationships are complicated, particularly when it comes to sexy stuff.

The rest of my free time I usually spend with books or games. Most of my reading these days I tend to just do on my lunch break but I've been hitting points where I'll curl up with a book at home, usually to finish it so I can have a fresh book ready for work the next day. I picked up quite a lot of classic Doctor Who books, the New Adventures with the 7th doctor, so I've been really liking those. And I finished the original Shadowrun trilogy, which I enjoyed quite a lot too so I'm interested in picking up some more in that setting.

Games-wise, WoW is still my main go to game. Dragonflight was a revitalizing fresh of breath air after the back to back shitshows of Battle for Azeroth and Shadowlands. It still wasn't perfect, but it was such a massive step up that it's flaws pale in comparison to it's strengths and it was the most fun I've had in WoW since probably Legion. War Within is shaping up pretty decent so far too. It is in a bit of a lull atm until the new patch but that's fine, it gives me time to check out other stuff. I've been playing Eiyuden Chronicles more which as been a massive treat and makes me very happy I backed it on Kickstarter. It's definitely been filling that jRPG niche I've been missing. I'm really looking forward to the next couple Deltarune chapters and of course, Hollowknight:Silksong.
I did finally quit Overwatch. I've just grown very disillusioned with the game. Moving to 5v5 free to play and pushing the cash shop at every chance and massively overpriced cosmetics has just killed a lot of interest I had in the game. Honestly even if they fix the mechanical issues and made the game more fun again, I don't know that I want to go back. They've given up on developing it as it's own property and it's now just Overwatch: Fortnite Lite, except it's -really bad- at being Fortnite because A) Fortnite is fortnite and that isn't changing soon and B) Overwatch's most interesting brand is Overwatch itself, but they've cut PvE and let the lore wither on the vine. It's really a massive shame because the setting and characters are excellent and ripe with potential but it's just been hollowed out in favor of soulless (and clueless) crossovers that have nothing to do with the game other than 'this is a famous property you nerds might shell out money for'. And I think with Marvel Rivals we'll see a big migration in the player base. I tried it a bit and it's pretty decently fun, more fun and less frustration with it than i've had in Overwatch the last couple years, to say the least.

I haven't kept up with any shows or movies. Last year I killed my satellite subscription because I only used it to really watch a couple channels and keep tabs on a show or two. Since then I just have a little roku device that lets me stream a lot of stuff for free and since I mostly use TV for background noise when I'm doing something it's worked out nicely, with channels dedicated to anime, classic doctor who, star trek, and MST3K there's usually something I can flip to and just let go in the background (Or even watch stuff I haven't seen before, like some classic trek and who stuff). I did see Beatlejuice Beatlejuice recently and liked that a lot. Not a perfect sequel but fun enough I had an okay time. Have found myself leaning on youtube for stuff as well, been watching gamegrumps regularly and a few other gaming and cooking channels with interesting or relaxing stuff to watch.

Anyway I think i've tapped about everything I wanted to talk about and vent some. I had a couple nice holidays in spite of the anxiety and I still have a few more days to relax and maybe work on stuff or finish some games or the like and then it's back to work. I'll be attending FC in a couple weeks and I'm excited for that. I am cautiously hopeful the next year won't be as big a trashfire as I'm expecting but I know things will still be pretty bad. I'm trying to recognize more when I'm doing unhealthy doomscrolly type behaviors and try to do something more productive. I'll still try to get by and do what I can. We all will. Take care of yourselves everyone. Lotsa love.