FA+
Shop
State of mind
8 months ago
I'm unsure how to use FA's features properly, but I guess this needs to be said.
Content warning, discussion of mental health and self harm
For the past 4 years I've been sinking deeper and deeper into depression, I've tried everything I could, honestly. The issue is my abusive home, they've always been terrible, breaking my things, throwing stuff at me, throwing food, making me sleep outside, not letting me eat. There's been some pretty awful moments in 2024 alone, my doorframe was broken open with an axe so I couldn't lock my door, my bed was smashed to piece, I pulled 4 teeth out during an episode, cat shit would be dumped on my floor and mattress, both my personal and college laptop were smashed, I was homeless for a month, my room was picked clean when I slipped and concussed myself and I was screamed at for things that happened years ago like leaving a bowl in some cabinet I haven't touched since covid, I ate glass by accident (still recovering), and in general a lot of yelling and screaming over menial things.
I know I'm forgetting a lot, but anytime I try to recall bad memories, my head hurts. I've never gotten any concrete proof on them, even as a minor, I never was. The worst that has happened to my parents was a light slap on the wrist after I called the police for the 5th time in a week. Police are so awesome, trusting the abuser's words just because it's 2 testimonies against one, even showing my self harm wounds has backfired, as it makes me look like an unreliable manic narrator to them.
I'll be quite blunt, I lost the will to live in 2022. Every day for years I've thought to myself, "I could end it all right now, and I'd be fine with that" I've attempted twice, one by overdose and one by slitting my wrists the long way. I guess things shaped up in 2023 when a friend asked me out, and I said yes, that was nice. We're still together, and I love them very so, but I struggle so much because the pain in my life outweighs any joy I have. Sure I can be happy, sure I can have fun, but at the end of the day when my friends log off, that happiness sinks like a stone in a deep ocean. I guess the only reason I haven't killed myself in 2024 is because I don't want to hurt my friends, my partner, or the people who look up to me as an artist.
I've been struggling to cope for years, honestly I've cycled through every type of vice at this point, smoking, drinking, gaming, hypersexuality, cutting... I'm still struggling with cutting, sometimes when overwhelmed like being screamed at while having my possessions smashed because I made a noise past 10 pm I just hit myself in the head with my fist, or when I'm alone I can't explain why, but I have an insatiable urge to hurt myself. It sounds irrational I know, but I can't help it, and sadly, I give into it. I have scars all over my body at this point, stabs, skinning, cutting, I feel ugly, I can never wear anything other than a sweatshirt and long pants without them being visible. It's the fact people see it as "oh no, you're crazy!" and not "you need care" my parents are like that. When they first saw them, they were upset about how it'd make them look, and not the fact I did it to myself. They punished me horribly for it which only made the problem worse, that's when I attempted for the 2nd time.
I struggle to eat, I'm so used to going hungry for days on end that I just, am used to the pain. But whenever I do have food infront of me, it's so hard to eat. I guess its a rush of bad memories that choke me up and make me cry whenever I have a meal.
As I said, I only keep going because I know if I kill myself, I'll hurt so many people. Even if my suffering is unbearable, I shouldn't make others suffer as well. I keep going even though this hopeless sadness bleeds into every aspect of my life nowadays, keeping going only seems to be making things worse though, now I'm being punished in college because I don't have the will to do anything other than things that keep me distracted like drawing or talking.
It really feels like most people out there only see me as this art machine with a happy go lucky attitude. Also, the people who see me as literally Marley, please don't sexualize me the artist, it freaks me out. Some people can be so cruel when I put out art that isn't their thing, going into my dms and insulting me. How people try to be my friend just for free art and will backstab me the moment I try to address my concerns of shallow friendship. How people hate me for my queer characters.
For the one person out there who actually read this negative self pitying essay, sorry for making you read all this, I guess I just wanted to serve my deepest troubles on a hot platter, so people can understand that I'm an actual person with my own struggles.
Content warning, discussion of mental health and self harm
For the past 4 years I've been sinking deeper and deeper into depression, I've tried everything I could, honestly. The issue is my abusive home, they've always been terrible, breaking my things, throwing stuff at me, throwing food, making me sleep outside, not letting me eat. There's been some pretty awful moments in 2024 alone, my doorframe was broken open with an axe so I couldn't lock my door, my bed was smashed to piece, I pulled 4 teeth out during an episode, cat shit would be dumped on my floor and mattress, both my personal and college laptop were smashed, I was homeless for a month, my room was picked clean when I slipped and concussed myself and I was screamed at for things that happened years ago like leaving a bowl in some cabinet I haven't touched since covid, I ate glass by accident (still recovering), and in general a lot of yelling and screaming over menial things.
I know I'm forgetting a lot, but anytime I try to recall bad memories, my head hurts. I've never gotten any concrete proof on them, even as a minor, I never was. The worst that has happened to my parents was a light slap on the wrist after I called the police for the 5th time in a week. Police are so awesome, trusting the abuser's words just because it's 2 testimonies against one, even showing my self harm wounds has backfired, as it makes me look like an unreliable manic narrator to them.
I'll be quite blunt, I lost the will to live in 2022. Every day for years I've thought to myself, "I could end it all right now, and I'd be fine with that" I've attempted twice, one by overdose and one by slitting my wrists the long way. I guess things shaped up in 2023 when a friend asked me out, and I said yes, that was nice. We're still together, and I love them very so, but I struggle so much because the pain in my life outweighs any joy I have. Sure I can be happy, sure I can have fun, but at the end of the day when my friends log off, that happiness sinks like a stone in a deep ocean. I guess the only reason I haven't killed myself in 2024 is because I don't want to hurt my friends, my partner, or the people who look up to me as an artist.
I've been struggling to cope for years, honestly I've cycled through every type of vice at this point, smoking, drinking, gaming, hypersexuality, cutting... I'm still struggling with cutting, sometimes when overwhelmed like being screamed at while having my possessions smashed because I made a noise past 10 pm I just hit myself in the head with my fist, or when I'm alone I can't explain why, but I have an insatiable urge to hurt myself. It sounds irrational I know, but I can't help it, and sadly, I give into it. I have scars all over my body at this point, stabs, skinning, cutting, I feel ugly, I can never wear anything other than a sweatshirt and long pants without them being visible. It's the fact people see it as "oh no, you're crazy!" and not "you need care" my parents are like that. When they first saw them, they were upset about how it'd make them look, and not the fact I did it to myself. They punished me horribly for it which only made the problem worse, that's when I attempted for the 2nd time.
I struggle to eat, I'm so used to going hungry for days on end that I just, am used to the pain. But whenever I do have food infront of me, it's so hard to eat. I guess its a rush of bad memories that choke me up and make me cry whenever I have a meal.
As I said, I only keep going because I know if I kill myself, I'll hurt so many people. Even if my suffering is unbearable, I shouldn't make others suffer as well. I keep going even though this hopeless sadness bleeds into every aspect of my life nowadays, keeping going only seems to be making things worse though, now I'm being punished in college because I don't have the will to do anything other than things that keep me distracted like drawing or talking.
It really feels like most people out there only see me as this art machine with a happy go lucky attitude. Also, the people who see me as literally Marley, please don't sexualize me the artist, it freaks me out. Some people can be so cruel when I put out art that isn't their thing, going into my dms and insulting me. How people try to be my friend just for free art and will backstab me the moment I try to address my concerns of shallow friendship. How people hate me for my queer characters.
For the one person out there who actually read this negative self pitying essay, sorry for making you read all this, I guess I just wanted to serve my deepest troubles on a hot platter, so people can understand that I'm an actual person with my own struggles.
Your art is great and all your characters are great. It always makes me happy to see you've uploaded something. Your art has brought me a lot of happiness. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
I know you don't know me, but if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm happy to listen.
It's alright to express yourself.
but it's clear you've been through a lot, and a few words probably wouldn't help.
Your life's been pretty bad, and I couldn't possibly relate.
I'm real sorry to hear about everything that's happened, and I am extra sorry that the community hasn't always been the best of help.
I do have friends who have been through similar things. While I don't always understand what they're going through, I do try to be there for them whenever they need me. I hope your friends do the same.
But if you do ever need an outside source to talk to, vent, or whatever, feel free to message me too.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. No matter how dark your descriptions are, I'm glad you poured your heart out.
Of course you aren't able to expect anything magnificent from others to be able to get you out of this situation, but there are potentially people out there that may be able to help in some way. I would if I could, but honestly its also really important that you still have people to be able to talk to one way or another. Its good that you have friends and a relationship because those who really care about you will be by your side every step through the mess. I know I also don't know you personally and I love the work and effort that you put into your art.
Its sucky that people are going at your throat because you're making things that they don't like, and ill be honest there's been some posts that I don't exactly like or is my cup of tea but I wouldn't be bashing you for making it. You deserve to make what you like, and what the commissioner wants. As for people trying to slide in to get free art that is unfortunately a typical thing that some people try to do, and you have the right to question someone about their intentions. If they give you shit about it then they weren't being your friend in the first place, you have to get rid of them from your life. Finally, people simply hating you for queer and interesting characters are also just their problem, don't listen to them as you can help it.
I don't wanna make this awfully repetitive and long but overall thank you for having the courage for writing this, I know many of us want you to be able to be healthy and successful in numerous ways. You really don't deserve to be treated the way you are by both family and these fake friends, I know its probably not easy at all to be able to just get up and live somewhere else. Housing is a mess to begin with these days. Do the best you can though, and make it a goal that every day you tread through the closer you will bring yourself to where you want to be. Thank you for still being here, thank you for the work you do, and thank you for being a decent person in this world. I'm also happy to talk, if that's something you are interested in.