Well the start of this year has been a bit rough and not even two months in. Mental state is bouncing up and down . To make things worse yesterday, found out a cousin of mines is in critical condition due to the fires in LA . not being able to do anything hurts the most. I’ve thought about attempting and I’m not succeeding in that thankfully, but it is a thought that passes through my mind very consistently as of late and I’ve been wanting to because I don’t know how to deal with this depression shit. I have someone to talk to, but it’s not enough. Mostly I just feel alone and by myself . No love ,nothing. Now I will make this note that this is not to Garner attention. I’m not asking for any type of dumb putty or anything. This is just me having a venting tool and for those I don’t talk to on a regular basis like I used to well yeah, you know what’s going on. When I’m like this, I push people away, but at this moment to reach everyone at the same time I also do these journals. This is my second one regarding mental health and the state of my mind and where I’m at emotionally. The people that I care about I lose IE my bestie(cousin) and actual relationships /friendships , and I don’t see value and myself hence my attempts at my life. I don’t know what to do from trying to do everything I can for me to get better. I distract myself all the time And musically since it’s what I love to do and make up I’m genuinely scared about so much in life not just my own, but just life in general. As for this random depression episodes , yeah , idk . Just be safe Y’all.