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The BIG 2024 retrospective
8 months ago
Heh I took a sweet minute to write this up huh compared to the quick summary one. I WILL warn you this is a big post as it kinda became a point of just finally talking and putting stuff down on paper. It also may not be that well written but im tired of editing it and want to go to bed heh.
That’s been one of my main things this year, struggling with motivation. I WANT to do these things I really do but then when I set aside time I find myself just not making any progress on stuff that I know would make my life better and more enjoyable. I tried getting meds again this year but as of writing this its been over a week since I stopped and my focus doesnt feel any worse than when I was on them. Im not sure what to do to help with my focus as I think at this point I cant disagree with it being me mentally instead of just ADHD or something.
I do acknowledge a bit part of the problem is…discord. I’m around on it a lot and talking to people and friends which brings me that social need of life right now. But I don’t know how to solve the problem I have of feeling bad missing things that happen during a normal day. It’s something I’ve noticed, I feel fine saying like “Hey im walking away for a week so I wont be around” and missing stuff then because of that. But if its like a normal work day and I get home to see I missed a huge conversation I woulda love to contribute to, I feel sad about it. One step Im taking to work on this is limit those places, Ive absolutely stretched myself thin and try to be ‘there’ in too many places, and honestly I think some of the places aren’t good for me either. So Im writing down here and now to force myself tomorrow to start being active in 2 new communities I want to be in as I think they’d be healthier. One is a local fur group that hosts meetups, so the connections there wont be rando’s online but people I’ve physically been around. The other is a taur server cause I like a lot of people there in the few conversations Ive had and everything about it seems welcoming and helpful. They even have an art and modelling feedback channel!
The sad part about it is the loss Im gonna have to take. Not being there in servers I liked the people of. BUT this has put me in a place of analyzing the pros and cons and part of that has made me realize there’s relationships I’m trying to maintain through those servers that are clearly one way. I’m putting the effort in and making time for them but they aren’t doing the same for me…why…why am I doing that?
Friends have been…a complicated one this year. It’s been an eye opening year of realizing that I had some rose tinted glasses for someone who acts kind to me or had an existing relationship for a long time with me. This is a topic I’ll loop back too but I fell into a mindset of viewing basic courtesy and friendly comments as…more than they are. I’ll loop back to that but ultimately I need to give back to those who return that relationship instead of trying to be friends with a whole server.
I had to step away from a friend this year who I’ve known since friggin Middle School. We had played minecraft together, been to eachother’s places, fought and broke up, apologized and came back together when he followed me to High School, fought again over…honestly dont really remember super clearly, and then I randomly messaged in early college and we reconnected. Now we’re separate again and its not some petty argument of middle schoolers or friend drama of high school, it’s their very life and accusations to me. This person struggled with the bad thoughts many times in their life, and it always came from their abusive parents. There was a week and a half in high school where he just…went missing and I had no idea what happened to him, no communication to me…nothing. Then after that he just appears in class again and I have to pry the info about what happened from him.
Im in the grocery store one day during a college break and suddenly get a phone call from him crying. He had driven hours from home to go back to college just to have a place from his parents and didnt know what to do…I didnt either neither of us had the resources to do anything about the situation. All I could do was try and get him to calm down and find the best decision at the time.
BUT I have a job now and the resources to help people, so when I heard about another incident with his parents and his job search just out of college going poorly I put myself out there to help. I talked with my apartment about the costs of moving from a 1 to 2 bedroom place, I offered this to him and was willing to pay the full rent for a couple months aswell as completely eat the transfer cost. Im near a big city so itd be a whole new market he could possibly get to find a job. The pay for me would be getting to live with a bestie.
This was met by anger, I was trying to ‘control his life’ and ‘didnt care about his feelings’. I admit I was harsh but I found out one of the main reasons he was adamant about staying in the area and I personally disagree with it immensely. We dropped it and moved on but it was clear from this point on he had bottled anger to me and never brought it up. There was then an incident where one of his friends was saying…well bad stuff I dont wanna get into the specifics. I ended up having to ban them and this finally had it all come out from him. It was clear he was hiding stuff from me, intentionally trying to keep me out of things, and to top it off choosing to be in horrible relationships as this friend was nothing but demeaning to him. I just had to walk away, I couldnt keep harming myself caring for him while my thoughts were tossed away by him as unimportant.
But even still for months there was that little voice in me. “It was just an argument go make up”, “you miss him and think about him you want to do stuff again”, “You can ignore the things he said and how they bother you go talk to him again”. This didnt go away for months, it got quieter slowly but I was never sure, how COULD you be with something like that.
But then I found something out…literally last month on a random tangent of looking into a past conversation. He has taken the game material we were making for fun on the side and making it a proper game with a team. My contributions kept but names and wording changed a little. I laughed it off because how low can you go but that was honestly…coping. The next day I was thinking about it and finally admitted from a point of not trying to pointlessly be ‘strong’...that bothers me a lot to see. Then boom, the voice went away. I finally just sat there and said “Screw him”. The people who were in an inbetween of me and him, they know he’s doing that so screw them too. I choose the path of kindness and forgiving when stuff like this happens, there’s absolutely merit in saying Im not comfortable with people being friends with someone like that who just takes my work and uses it without credit. If someone thinks im being toxic or whatever…im done caring. They can go live in their perfect happy world where they ignore the pain actions can cause. There’s people out there I can interact with who don’t have that baggage and immaturity to stand up against something like that, why am I detracting from the good relationships for something like that.
All of this across the year made me realize one thing: My view of friendships had become a bit of a view from a stance of being terminally online. What does that mean?...I’ll try to explain but its a bit hard to put into words. You ever see one of those posts about ‘friendship decay doesnt exist with me! I dont care if its been 10 years since we messaged you’re still my friend’? It’s kinda that, bro if someone hasnt messaged you in 10 years theyre a different friend then the one you made 10 years ago. Yall might not be that compatible anymore people CHANGE. Even in an actively maintained relationship across years people change, conversations go from what you became friends over to something maybe you dont really care to talk about that often but its all you 2 have now. Maybe you talk less about eachother and do less with eachother but still message about a certain topic, its still a friendship but its not as deep anymore. Online people try to be super perfect and friendly with eachother because…well its online and everything is connected. If you have a problem with someone and make it known BOOM that shit spreads and everyone knows about it and now everything is awkward. So that you trap yourself with that friendship that’s changed so much to something different because it’s all right there in the public of these online spaces. Those online spaces warp it without a one on one counterpart.
Remember that line I said we’d loop back too? Hi here’s the loop.
Ive come to realize there’s a lot of empty positivity out there in large public spaces. If it’s someone you know in person and talk to semi frequently then you keep up with them and care about their well being. You cheer them on with things and be there to support them, how? Conversation and talking to them, addressing their thoughts.
If someone’s going through something online I see “Aww man Im sorry hope things get better”. Think about that, you wouldnt just say that to a friend in person you’d sit down and talk with them about what’s going on, you’d try and help them with the problem. But I think people don’t want that online, they want those mass words of positivity and support. It makes it shallow. BUT if you go to dms and talk about it with them thats when you have truths and real words. That’s when an actual friendship can form and you help them with their problem.
That’s kinda what I mean by the terminally online thing. If I rarely interact one on one with them like friends would in the real world, are they truly a friend or just a positive face in servers? Idk, Ive lost a lot of irl friends due to the job situation this year and its made it very clear how different an online locked friendship is to an irl one. If you only interact publicly it makes moments of having to be harsh to them hard because you suddenly get seen as the bad guy to everyone else, which is why I think that sorta stuff can be detrimental. That friendship starts to face the pressures of online instead of just…the two of you.
Speaking of online pressures boy did I get to experience that this year. It was hands down the worst part of the year, where I messed up not properly thinking about what I was doing. I’ll admit most of my anger around it was how I processed through the feelings, I was very stubborn on feeling right and seeing myself as wronged. I do think there was wrongs against me but it wasnt a case of being right. Im very glad I eventually turned around and tried everything to repair the things I had done. I think a big part of it was having people in my life who were there for me and helping me through those emotions. They helped me realize how silly the situation was and how big is was getting blown out of proportion. It was another example of something made very different because it was online and in a public space.
Wow this is getting long but yeah on the job situation lets move to the events this year instead of all the friend/online stuff. Theres more stuff on my mind about it but Ive said an amount that my mind is happy finally putting down somewhere. My job has been laying people off and the company is failing spectacularly. To the point there’s daily sus things going on such as safety precautions being ignored and causing a safety support to bend like a pool noodle :) Needless to say the place has become really unfun to work at. All my motivation around…what was supposed to be a dream job has fizzled away with each lie, taking advantage of, and lack of care or support for me.
I mean they know I have a fear of heights but things were rushed and I got stuck on a boom lift stories in the air for over an hour. I acted fine because I didnt want to break down at a work site but…fuck man what the hell. Im watching coworkers ruin their lives covering multiple positions and shifts every day just to try and keep the company going. It’s noble but I cant respect it and it bothers me to be around. Im now looking for a new job that’s just the type of work I want to get better at, but I dont have much of a passion right now. Im hoping to rebuild that on my own with personal stuff across the year when in a better spot.
My apartment was nice but since moving in its had water damage and AC failures. Its becoming expensive too and the utilities are lacking. A lot of my life needs to change this year ultimately. BUT in good ways, I wanna get a cat too >:3
There were a lot of highs this year too. I’ve gotten to work on such cool stuff that…im worried I already peaked in my career LOL. Met many new friends and started doing more stuff in my community. It’s officially been a year since I started volunteering at the animal shelter and I see myself doing this for some time now with my life, it’s fulfilling and meaningful.
Also my art has made a lot of progress this year, I enjoy the process more and have a space for doing it too which is huge. I participated in artfight and used it to start gaining practice with an art tablet which has made my flow a lot better. Im much more engaged when im moving and engaging with a project then pointing and clicking.
I have many many goals but I addressed those and the stuff ill be uploading in the main journal. For now though…Im excited but nervous for 2025, ready for some big changes in life.
That’s been one of my main things this year, struggling with motivation. I WANT to do these things I really do but then when I set aside time I find myself just not making any progress on stuff that I know would make my life better and more enjoyable. I tried getting meds again this year but as of writing this its been over a week since I stopped and my focus doesnt feel any worse than when I was on them. Im not sure what to do to help with my focus as I think at this point I cant disagree with it being me mentally instead of just ADHD or something.
I do acknowledge a bit part of the problem is…discord. I’m around on it a lot and talking to people and friends which brings me that social need of life right now. But I don’t know how to solve the problem I have of feeling bad missing things that happen during a normal day. It’s something I’ve noticed, I feel fine saying like “Hey im walking away for a week so I wont be around” and missing stuff then because of that. But if its like a normal work day and I get home to see I missed a huge conversation I woulda love to contribute to, I feel sad about it. One step Im taking to work on this is limit those places, Ive absolutely stretched myself thin and try to be ‘there’ in too many places, and honestly I think some of the places aren’t good for me either. So Im writing down here and now to force myself tomorrow to start being active in 2 new communities I want to be in as I think they’d be healthier. One is a local fur group that hosts meetups, so the connections there wont be rando’s online but people I’ve physically been around. The other is a taur server cause I like a lot of people there in the few conversations Ive had and everything about it seems welcoming and helpful. They even have an art and modelling feedback channel!
The sad part about it is the loss Im gonna have to take. Not being there in servers I liked the people of. BUT this has put me in a place of analyzing the pros and cons and part of that has made me realize there’s relationships I’m trying to maintain through those servers that are clearly one way. I’m putting the effort in and making time for them but they aren’t doing the same for me…why…why am I doing that?
Friends have been…a complicated one this year. It’s been an eye opening year of realizing that I had some rose tinted glasses for someone who acts kind to me or had an existing relationship for a long time with me. This is a topic I’ll loop back too but I fell into a mindset of viewing basic courtesy and friendly comments as…more than they are. I’ll loop back to that but ultimately I need to give back to those who return that relationship instead of trying to be friends with a whole server.
I had to step away from a friend this year who I’ve known since friggin Middle School. We had played minecraft together, been to eachother’s places, fought and broke up, apologized and came back together when he followed me to High School, fought again over…honestly dont really remember super clearly, and then I randomly messaged in early college and we reconnected. Now we’re separate again and its not some petty argument of middle schoolers or friend drama of high school, it’s their very life and accusations to me. This person struggled with the bad thoughts many times in their life, and it always came from their abusive parents. There was a week and a half in high school where he just…went missing and I had no idea what happened to him, no communication to me…nothing. Then after that he just appears in class again and I have to pry the info about what happened from him.
Im in the grocery store one day during a college break and suddenly get a phone call from him crying. He had driven hours from home to go back to college just to have a place from his parents and didnt know what to do…I didnt either neither of us had the resources to do anything about the situation. All I could do was try and get him to calm down and find the best decision at the time.
BUT I have a job now and the resources to help people, so when I heard about another incident with his parents and his job search just out of college going poorly I put myself out there to help. I talked with my apartment about the costs of moving from a 1 to 2 bedroom place, I offered this to him and was willing to pay the full rent for a couple months aswell as completely eat the transfer cost. Im near a big city so itd be a whole new market he could possibly get to find a job. The pay for me would be getting to live with a bestie.
This was met by anger, I was trying to ‘control his life’ and ‘didnt care about his feelings’. I admit I was harsh but I found out one of the main reasons he was adamant about staying in the area and I personally disagree with it immensely. We dropped it and moved on but it was clear from this point on he had bottled anger to me and never brought it up. There was then an incident where one of his friends was saying…well bad stuff I dont wanna get into the specifics. I ended up having to ban them and this finally had it all come out from him. It was clear he was hiding stuff from me, intentionally trying to keep me out of things, and to top it off choosing to be in horrible relationships as this friend was nothing but demeaning to him. I just had to walk away, I couldnt keep harming myself caring for him while my thoughts were tossed away by him as unimportant.
But even still for months there was that little voice in me. “It was just an argument go make up”, “you miss him and think about him you want to do stuff again”, “You can ignore the things he said and how they bother you go talk to him again”. This didnt go away for months, it got quieter slowly but I was never sure, how COULD you be with something like that.
But then I found something out…literally last month on a random tangent of looking into a past conversation. He has taken the game material we were making for fun on the side and making it a proper game with a team. My contributions kept but names and wording changed a little. I laughed it off because how low can you go but that was honestly…coping. The next day I was thinking about it and finally admitted from a point of not trying to pointlessly be ‘strong’...that bothers me a lot to see. Then boom, the voice went away. I finally just sat there and said “Screw him”. The people who were in an inbetween of me and him, they know he’s doing that so screw them too. I choose the path of kindness and forgiving when stuff like this happens, there’s absolutely merit in saying Im not comfortable with people being friends with someone like that who just takes my work and uses it without credit. If someone thinks im being toxic or whatever…im done caring. They can go live in their perfect happy world where they ignore the pain actions can cause. There’s people out there I can interact with who don’t have that baggage and immaturity to stand up against something like that, why am I detracting from the good relationships for something like that.
All of this across the year made me realize one thing: My view of friendships had become a bit of a view from a stance of being terminally online. What does that mean?...I’ll try to explain but its a bit hard to put into words. You ever see one of those posts about ‘friendship decay doesnt exist with me! I dont care if its been 10 years since we messaged you’re still my friend’? It’s kinda that, bro if someone hasnt messaged you in 10 years theyre a different friend then the one you made 10 years ago. Yall might not be that compatible anymore people CHANGE. Even in an actively maintained relationship across years people change, conversations go from what you became friends over to something maybe you dont really care to talk about that often but its all you 2 have now. Maybe you talk less about eachother and do less with eachother but still message about a certain topic, its still a friendship but its not as deep anymore. Online people try to be super perfect and friendly with eachother because…well its online and everything is connected. If you have a problem with someone and make it known BOOM that shit spreads and everyone knows about it and now everything is awkward. So that you trap yourself with that friendship that’s changed so much to something different because it’s all right there in the public of these online spaces. Those online spaces warp it without a one on one counterpart.
Remember that line I said we’d loop back too? Hi here’s the loop.
Ive come to realize there’s a lot of empty positivity out there in large public spaces. If it’s someone you know in person and talk to semi frequently then you keep up with them and care about their well being. You cheer them on with things and be there to support them, how? Conversation and talking to them, addressing their thoughts.
If someone’s going through something online I see “Aww man Im sorry hope things get better”. Think about that, you wouldnt just say that to a friend in person you’d sit down and talk with them about what’s going on, you’d try and help them with the problem. But I think people don’t want that online, they want those mass words of positivity and support. It makes it shallow. BUT if you go to dms and talk about it with them thats when you have truths and real words. That’s when an actual friendship can form and you help them with their problem.
That’s kinda what I mean by the terminally online thing. If I rarely interact one on one with them like friends would in the real world, are they truly a friend or just a positive face in servers? Idk, Ive lost a lot of irl friends due to the job situation this year and its made it very clear how different an online locked friendship is to an irl one. If you only interact publicly it makes moments of having to be harsh to them hard because you suddenly get seen as the bad guy to everyone else, which is why I think that sorta stuff can be detrimental. That friendship starts to face the pressures of online instead of just…the two of you.
Speaking of online pressures boy did I get to experience that this year. It was hands down the worst part of the year, where I messed up not properly thinking about what I was doing. I’ll admit most of my anger around it was how I processed through the feelings, I was very stubborn on feeling right and seeing myself as wronged. I do think there was wrongs against me but it wasnt a case of being right. Im very glad I eventually turned around and tried everything to repair the things I had done. I think a big part of it was having people in my life who were there for me and helping me through those emotions. They helped me realize how silly the situation was and how big is was getting blown out of proportion. It was another example of something made very different because it was online and in a public space.
Wow this is getting long but yeah on the job situation lets move to the events this year instead of all the friend/online stuff. Theres more stuff on my mind about it but Ive said an amount that my mind is happy finally putting down somewhere. My job has been laying people off and the company is failing spectacularly. To the point there’s daily sus things going on such as safety precautions being ignored and causing a safety support to bend like a pool noodle :) Needless to say the place has become really unfun to work at. All my motivation around…what was supposed to be a dream job has fizzled away with each lie, taking advantage of, and lack of care or support for me.
I mean they know I have a fear of heights but things were rushed and I got stuck on a boom lift stories in the air for over an hour. I acted fine because I didnt want to break down at a work site but…fuck man what the hell. Im watching coworkers ruin their lives covering multiple positions and shifts every day just to try and keep the company going. It’s noble but I cant respect it and it bothers me to be around. Im now looking for a new job that’s just the type of work I want to get better at, but I dont have much of a passion right now. Im hoping to rebuild that on my own with personal stuff across the year when in a better spot.
My apartment was nice but since moving in its had water damage and AC failures. Its becoming expensive too and the utilities are lacking. A lot of my life needs to change this year ultimately. BUT in good ways, I wanna get a cat too >:3
There were a lot of highs this year too. I’ve gotten to work on such cool stuff that…im worried I already peaked in my career LOL. Met many new friends and started doing more stuff in my community. It’s officially been a year since I started volunteering at the animal shelter and I see myself doing this for some time now with my life, it’s fulfilling and meaningful.
Also my art has made a lot of progress this year, I enjoy the process more and have a space for doing it too which is huge. I participated in artfight and used it to start gaining practice with an art tablet which has made my flow a lot better. Im much more engaged when im moving and engaging with a project then pointing and clicking.
I have many many goals but I addressed those and the stuff ill be uploading in the main journal. For now though…Im excited but nervous for 2025, ready for some big changes in life.
