FA+
Shop
Sympathy (for the devil)
10 months ago
General
Allow me to introduce myself I'm a- wait, wrong thing.
Today I'd like to talk about sympathy, sort of. Not the usual sort, but something kind of related. A bit of an expanded version of the concept.
Traditionally the way we think of sympathy is in a negative context: we see someone suffering a misfortune, and we share in their despair. However, I think this is really only one facet of how sympathy works, and perhaps not the most telling side. You see, it's also the case that, for someone we're apt to feel sympathetic towards, we'll share feelings of joy when good fortune comes their way. We'll share pride in their accomplishments, feel unease at their anxieties, join in their wistful longings, and so on. Sympathy, in this sense, is when our reaction to observing another persons' experiences is concordant with theirs.
But then, turning things around, there's the opposite. Feeling positive emotions when seeing someone's misfortune (the classic schadenfreude). Feeling discouraged when they experience good fortune. I'll use the word antipathy for this, when our reaction to their experiences is in opposition to theirs.
And somewhere in the middle, as one might expect, is apathy. Being unmoved by someone's misfortune, feeling no particular joy or pain when good things come their way. Things happen, it doesn't matter, you pay it no mind.
The reason I bring up this subject is because recognizing when other people are sympathetic towards you, especially outside of sharing negative emotions during unfortunate experiences (which is muddied and obscured by social expectations), is a very important signal for what role that the people around you play in your life, and what role you play in theirs.
There have been a number of times when I've called people friends, hung out with them, shared a little slice of my life with them, only to, after some time, come to realize that they did not have sympathy towards me. If I shared an opinion or some advice, they'd react as if it was overbearing and unwelcome. If I shared some positive life event, they'd interpret it as bragging. If I told a joke or made a funny quip, they'd struggle to force a laugh. If I mentioned something sad, they'd respond with what was expected of them within the framework of acceptable social norms.
Of course, I naturally felt the chill. And, as is appropriate, I took the time to introspect. But what was usually notable was that their reaction was an outlier. Sharing the same things with other friends, in much the same way, yielded far more concordant reactions.
Despite the fact that I liked them as friends, and that likewise they had no identifiable reason not to enjoy my friendship as well, what was happening was clear: they were simply unable to feel sympathy for me. There was no schism or transgression that precipitated this change, and I'm not sure if there exists any logical explanation for why some people do and don't feel sympathy for others. It just is what it is.
The important thing, though, is that recognizing when this apathy or antipathy sets in gives you the signal that it's time to move on. I don't really necessarily believe that it's a thing that you can change in someone, nor even that it makes sense to try to change it. Rather, I think it's just better to wish them well and agree to go your separate ways.
I'm not sure how to sum up the life lesson from this other than to say, maybe pay attention to this aspect of how people around you respond to you, and likewise look for signs of how you're reacting to them too.
Today I'd like to talk about sympathy, sort of. Not the usual sort, but something kind of related. A bit of an expanded version of the concept.
Traditionally the way we think of sympathy is in a negative context: we see someone suffering a misfortune, and we share in their despair. However, I think this is really only one facet of how sympathy works, and perhaps not the most telling side. You see, it's also the case that, for someone we're apt to feel sympathetic towards, we'll share feelings of joy when good fortune comes their way. We'll share pride in their accomplishments, feel unease at their anxieties, join in their wistful longings, and so on. Sympathy, in this sense, is when our reaction to observing another persons' experiences is concordant with theirs.
But then, turning things around, there's the opposite. Feeling positive emotions when seeing someone's misfortune (the classic schadenfreude). Feeling discouraged when they experience good fortune. I'll use the word antipathy for this, when our reaction to their experiences is in opposition to theirs.
And somewhere in the middle, as one might expect, is apathy. Being unmoved by someone's misfortune, feeling no particular joy or pain when good things come their way. Things happen, it doesn't matter, you pay it no mind.
The reason I bring up this subject is because recognizing when other people are sympathetic towards you, especially outside of sharing negative emotions during unfortunate experiences (which is muddied and obscured by social expectations), is a very important signal for what role that the people around you play in your life, and what role you play in theirs.
There have been a number of times when I've called people friends, hung out with them, shared a little slice of my life with them, only to, after some time, come to realize that they did not have sympathy towards me. If I shared an opinion or some advice, they'd react as if it was overbearing and unwelcome. If I shared some positive life event, they'd interpret it as bragging. If I told a joke or made a funny quip, they'd struggle to force a laugh. If I mentioned something sad, they'd respond with what was expected of them within the framework of acceptable social norms.
Of course, I naturally felt the chill. And, as is appropriate, I took the time to introspect. But what was usually notable was that their reaction was an outlier. Sharing the same things with other friends, in much the same way, yielded far more concordant reactions.
Despite the fact that I liked them as friends, and that likewise they had no identifiable reason not to enjoy my friendship as well, what was happening was clear: they were simply unable to feel sympathy for me. There was no schism or transgression that precipitated this change, and I'm not sure if there exists any logical explanation for why some people do and don't feel sympathy for others. It just is what it is.
The important thing, though, is that recognizing when this apathy or antipathy sets in gives you the signal that it's time to move on. I don't really necessarily believe that it's a thing that you can change in someone, nor even that it makes sense to try to change it. Rather, I think it's just better to wish them well and agree to go your separate ways.
I'm not sure how to sum up the life lesson from this other than to say, maybe pay attention to this aspect of how people around you respond to you, and likewise look for signs of how you're reacting to them too.
I've had this the other way around a couple of times, where I could tell someone was really trying to be my friend and take an interest in the things I do, but I was the one who just couldn't muster up an interest in them. And it always feels bad cause someone is genuinely being sweet and putting in the effort and I feel like I can give back feigned interest at best. I still haven't really found a good way to deal with these situations, since I definitely don't want to be mean or hurt anyone's feelings.
But hey, this post helped me refrain that aspect about myself, and tht can be a first step in figuring it out. So thanks for sharing this. Cheers and have a great day!
And no, I'm not sure there's always a logical explanation for why people feel the way they feel. Not anything that can be codified and put into words. Things just are the way they are, sometimes.
I'm glad you've had more positive experiences than negative ones, though!
But people can be weird, or just not really "Click". Those people themselves may not even understand why they do these things.
It's important to realize that it's not necessarily your fault, and that these things aren't always in your control. There comes a time to just let it go rather than let it prey on you, for your own sake if nothing else.