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Who do you love?
10 months ago
General
Yeah, WHO DO YOU LOVE? The answer might surprise you.
I hadn't originally intended to write two of these journals back-to-back, but this one was rolling around my head for a while and then the lovey-doviest day of the year popped up and it seemed appropriate for the occasion.
Love is one of those things that seems so simple. You meet someone, you feel something, and everything clicks into place like it was made to be and you suddenly find yourself at the center of a whirlwind of emotions. But we've also all seen love go bad, when it seems like a couple that was so unlikely to come together finally realizes that they were never made for each other in the first place, and then they're on a one-way train to splitsville.
But why does this happen? How could something that have seemed so right to them, at first, turn out so wrong in the end? The answer is simple: the person they loved wasn't the person they were actually in the relationship with.
When you meet somebody, when you fall for somebody, the person you actually feel all those emotions for is actually a figment of your imagination. It's the person who you want them to be, who you expect them to be, informed by what you know of them and what you experience of them. The more time you share with them, the more of the real them that you get to experience, the more that who they are in your head will come to align with who they actually, really are. At least, so long as you're open to revising your impression of them and don't fall into the trap of denial.
Naturally an ideal situation would be that the person they really are turns out to be not too different from the person you want them to be. Or the person they are and the person you want them to be drift together through your mutual influence on each other. A mix of both is probably the recipe behind most successful relationships.
But whether the crossings of your souls works out or not, knowing that there will always be some difference, however large or small, between the person you stare lovingly at, and the person that you're thinking you're staring lovingly at, will help inform you as you watch for signs of trouble. And not just for your affection for them, but their affection for you.
Keeping an eye out for clues as to who it is that your special someone thinks you are, or watching for signs that might show you where your impression of them might have been misaligned, will help you refine those imaginary people in your head to better represent reality. Sometimes that refinement will be for the better, and sometimes perhaps not so much. But the important thing is to always strive towards you knowing the real them, and them knowing the real you.
Your imagination can be intoxicating, but imagination doesn't last forever.
I hadn't originally intended to write two of these journals back-to-back, but this one was rolling around my head for a while and then the lovey-doviest day of the year popped up and it seemed appropriate for the occasion.
Love is one of those things that seems so simple. You meet someone, you feel something, and everything clicks into place like it was made to be and you suddenly find yourself at the center of a whirlwind of emotions. But we've also all seen love go bad, when it seems like a couple that was so unlikely to come together finally realizes that they were never made for each other in the first place, and then they're on a one-way train to splitsville.
But why does this happen? How could something that have seemed so right to them, at first, turn out so wrong in the end? The answer is simple: the person they loved wasn't the person they were actually in the relationship with.
When you meet somebody, when you fall for somebody, the person you actually feel all those emotions for is actually a figment of your imagination. It's the person who you want them to be, who you expect them to be, informed by what you know of them and what you experience of them. The more time you share with them, the more of the real them that you get to experience, the more that who they are in your head will come to align with who they actually, really are. At least, so long as you're open to revising your impression of them and don't fall into the trap of denial.
Naturally an ideal situation would be that the person they really are turns out to be not too different from the person you want them to be. Or the person they are and the person you want them to be drift together through your mutual influence on each other. A mix of both is probably the recipe behind most successful relationships.
But whether the crossings of your souls works out or not, knowing that there will always be some difference, however large or small, between the person you stare lovingly at, and the person that you're thinking you're staring lovingly at, will help inform you as you watch for signs of trouble. And not just for your affection for them, but their affection for you.
Keeping an eye out for clues as to who it is that your special someone thinks you are, or watching for signs that might show you where your impression of them might have been misaligned, will help you refine those imaginary people in your head to better represent reality. Sometimes that refinement will be for the better, and sometimes perhaps not so much. But the important thing is to always strive towards you knowing the real them, and them knowing the real you.
Your imagination can be intoxicating, but imagination doesn't last forever.
Do I think soul mates or "true love" exists as it does in fairy tales? Of course not, but imagining that every person you're with has their entire personality swallowed whole by your fanciful imagining of them is way off course.
Being aware that the gap exists, and keeping an eye out for how large or small it is, is simply what informs you as to how solidly founded your relationship with them is. Many people only think to consider how strongly they're attracted to the person they imagine the other person to be and base their relationship decisions on that, and doing that leaves a lot up to chance.
Knowing when (and how well) you know someone can both give you the confidence to push forward with things when the signs are right or step away when the flags are flying red, and also give you a valuable signal for when you need to invest more time and effort into getting to know someone before making any drastic moves.
I personally disagree. Sure, at the start of relationships you might not have the full picture yet, or if one of you is a pathological liar or something, yeah, I get it. People suck. If you're married or in a committed relationship for many years your view of them should align close enough to be indistinguishable.
My wife says differently, and that people are indeed scumbags hiding their true selves from their partner even after years, or even from themselves. I just don't think that has to be the case in every circumstance, and that people are capable of being genuine to themselves and others and not paint a different picture of who they truly are.
Another very thoughtful journal ^^
I'm all in favor of sex outside of marriage, too, since that can be a vital part of a relationship, and because the worst, most miserable marriages I've seen have been between people who rushed to wed so they could bang.
The perils of such auto-deceptive thinking should be guarded against in pretty much every aspect of your life, too. It's perfectly natural and something we all fall prey to now and then, but it can get you into such trouble if you aren't careful. Not that I think we should go through our lives like some kind of machine. That delightfully delirious flush of being newly in love is pretty great and should be savored, too!
Indulging in a sudden crush is a thrill that I wouldn't want anyone to miss, but hasty actions should be tempered by recognizing that first impressions can often mislead!
And man, could I have used this advice when I was young. Probably we all could.