i wanted to take the time to acknowledge some things about myself. it's a bit more of an emotional post- but please don't worry! this is a positive one.

these past 2023 and 2024 were both years have challenged me in so many ways i would've never though possible, i crumbled, i fell, i broke down over and over and over- all in a cycle that lasted for months.

however, the funny thing about cycles. you can break them!

now of course, its not easy- its never that easy. and it can feel damn near impossible. and most of the times you don't even realize you're in such a self destructive cycle.

and well, if you do realize. sometimes you just don't even care enough to break the cycle, as the happy times are all too easy to look past and replace with overwhelming pain and grief.

(theres a REALLY good reference i could make here that makes alot of sense but JUST this once, i'll resist LOL. there is someone here reading this i know will know exactly the thing I'm thinking of and all i have to say to them is "i managed to resist it for once. are you proud? /j" OKAY enough silliness)

anyways. for me personally- i just didn't care. i knew i was hurting but i also didn't really think i could much of anything to fix it and actually start moving forward. i still don't know exactly what caused me to shift, but eventually i knew i had to atleast try, and try i did! and i managed to break it!

of course...even after you break it things dont just instantly feel "all better" either. you're out of the cycle, but you're now tasked with climbing up a seemingly impossibly tall mountain known as "healing"

so this leads me into today, i wont lie- things are tough, im still climbing that mountain. but each time i look back down im so much more further along than i was the last time, and i can't even see the ground anymore. (which in this analogy is a very good thing because that means its getting harder and harder to remember what it felt like to be stuck in a horrible cycle)

i'm not sure what it was that made me have this massive realization- probably cause all my friends were offline so i was just chilling and listening to music and thinking

and this may seem really silly. but it hit me like. when you just wake up and are in the complete dark- then the lights suddenly come on and flashbang you and you're kinda stunned for a bit. except in this instance its actually a good thing

i can't give up. ive come so far up this mountain. and at this point im just too stubborn to give up and stop climbing. yes i still have a pretty long way to keep climbing, i absolutely REFUSE to fall back into that horrible emotionally draining and soul sucking cycle.

and luckily. when im losing my grip and need help, even when i need encouragement, even when i need motivation, even when im REALLY down and just need to find a reason to keep going.

I have the most amazing friends in the world to help me, and of course, i will always help whoever needs it- even if i don't really know them that well- i might not exactly know what to say, but i know what its like and i don't want to see anyone suffer.

(well...unless they did something reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally bad. or just like. outright malicious to me or someone im close to but thats besides the point)

anyways, i have a multiple reasons for coming here and posting this

1. i try to be upfront with how im feeling with people who liked my stuff so much they wanted to support and watch me

2. i just REALLY needed to get these feelings out on like a bit of a wider scale if that makes sense?

3. if someone comes across this journal i hope it can do something for them- atleast show them that healing isn't impossible

4. i genuinely have to thank all of my watchers, every single one- because even if we've never talked, i still see you all favoriting my stuff and watching me and actually liking what i do. of course, i draw for me. i love drawing! my creativity is a very strong core part about me. however it makes it feel even better when other people love that part about me too! so thank you. i don't know if i would've continued and be where i am today if i didn't feel such a great amount of support- even if it took a while to get off the ground, and even if im still not that super far up yet- im alright with that! im not actively seeking out popularity, i just wanna share my art with as many people as possible, the more people the better.

5. this is the most interesting one to me...

it's been heavily reflected in my art. i never realized till now just how much i can really see it through my posts on here.

near the beginning- i was just out of the cycle and was starting to climb up the mountain. i was still a nervous wreck about most things, but that was a milestone for me to be putting myself back out there.

while i was still in the early stages of climbing up the mountain, my art was messy, not necessarily bad but it was a lot of messy sketches and basic character stuff on occasion- mostly cause while i was out of the cycle i was still having a hard time starting up my "i care about this stuff" function ^w^;

but slowly. that function started to wake up, each drawing i started to care more and more about its appearance. i wanted to experiment more and more and try different things and really try and branch out.

and as of right now, today.....i think i can safely say that function is more awake and active more than its ever been, i know my last two or three drawings were fetish art. but in my opinion it doesn't matter what it's about- but the feeling and emotion. and just. personality that is involved in the process.

i want to keep experimenting, i want to keep trying to care more and more each day (till it gets to a good balance and healthy) about wanting to make my drawings the absolute best they could possibly be.

i know i've talked so much and made a whole wall of text of just pure emotions but...

yknow...i sometimes think back to when i was like. a kid, he wanted to do all these amazing things. like make animations, craft big complex stories and draw such amazing pieces, all when he barely knew how to hold a pencil and had absolutely NO idea how to make a cohesive story, but yknow what? he had hopes, he had dreams. and he tried to reach them- and even if he got lost off the path to doing that for a bit...

well. it's been years now- and im gonna be 22 in july....i think i owe to him to atleast try to make it all happen, even if its been way longer than he wanted.

thank you all for listening to me ramble about my emotions for a bit.

and thank you all for supporting me, i appreciate every single one of you for doing just that.

(holy SHIT that took forever to write....)