FA+
Shop
Depressed Dragon Thoughts
7 months ago
I'm sorry for more downer journals but over the past months. With my mom's passing hitting (still is) hard and just been really reflecting on my life, being 35yo now and such... Call it a midlife crisis, over thinking my mortality or whatever.. But I can tell and FEEL I'm just not happy anymore, not happy in the free sense like I was 10-20 years ago.. Thinking about everything up to now.
About things I've always wanted and dreamed to do... Like go to a furry convention, it was my one thing I wanted ever since I joined the community in 2004, but first it was my age, then my money issues and now it's my physical problems, I'll likely never will get to go to one or ANY con again, hell, can't even go to fur meets even and it bothers me, especially since I've always been an extreme introvert yet it was something I looked forward too for SO many years...
Hell, I've spent the last 2 years in my room/house, the ONLY time I ever get to leave to go out is to the hospital for my infusions, I LITERALLY spend every day in my room... Plus, now my MS has my hands flaring up whenever I play games or talk online too much, it's why I rarely if ever RP anymore, I can only game for a couple hours nowadays, everything I enjoy is being taken and it sucks... Y'know?
Also been questioning my part in the community too, I'm past my prime here, I know this and hate it... I can't draw anymore, can't write so I can just buy commissions when able but that just doesn't feel the same.
Plus, I think of all my friends and friends I USED to have... I think about those who I... We lost, maybe if I talked to them more maybe they'd still be here? Plus so many I WISHED I had met but never did... Makes me stressed to talk more to my friends now, but with the mentioned above... I physically CAN'T, I wanna talk to all my friends all day and know I care about ALL of you SO much, regardless if I speak or not.
I just miss the past, I miss drawing, talking to so many, having excitement for the furry community I as new too back then.. I miss being happy, being free.
Plus, the community itself isn't the same nowadays... ALL this political BS, Corvid, hate and etc. has infested the community (like it has everything else in life currently), plus with furries being so mainstream now just... It doesn't feel the same as it did back in the early 2000's, when furries were so niche, we were smaller, more united back then... What ever happened to the biggest controversy in the community was being a episode of CSI?
Gaming and gamers were the same in the 90's and 2000's too, so small and niche but now gaming is VERY mainstream, it's bigger than ANY other form of media (movies, music and more) so it's not the same now.. It doesn't mean the same to be a gamer now and the furry community is the same now too, and it doesn't bring the same joy as it used too.
I just miss those years back then when everyone, every THING was care free and simpler, while dreading the future, mainly for myself cause I'm halfway through my life and being where I am now, it just hurts... There ARE good things yes, I am VERY glad and protective of those flames but I just feel like there is not much else for me. *shrugs*
Sorry if the journal doesn't make since... It's just a old dragon rambling and reflecting on his past and fate and such after laying in bed, thinking, tearing up and such, just been depressed and such again.
About things I've always wanted and dreamed to do... Like go to a furry convention, it was my one thing I wanted ever since I joined the community in 2004, but first it was my age, then my money issues and now it's my physical problems, I'll likely never will get to go to one or ANY con again, hell, can't even go to fur meets even and it bothers me, especially since I've always been an extreme introvert yet it was something I looked forward too for SO many years...
Hell, I've spent the last 2 years in my room/house, the ONLY time I ever get to leave to go out is to the hospital for my infusions, I LITERALLY spend every day in my room... Plus, now my MS has my hands flaring up whenever I play games or talk online too much, it's why I rarely if ever RP anymore, I can only game for a couple hours nowadays, everything I enjoy is being taken and it sucks... Y'know?
Also been questioning my part in the community too, I'm past my prime here, I know this and hate it... I can't draw anymore, can't write so I can just buy commissions when able but that just doesn't feel the same.
Plus, I think of all my friends and friends I USED to have... I think about those who I... We lost, maybe if I talked to them more maybe they'd still be here? Plus so many I WISHED I had met but never did... Makes me stressed to talk more to my friends now, but with the mentioned above... I physically CAN'T, I wanna talk to all my friends all day and know I care about ALL of you SO much, regardless if I speak or not.
I just miss the past, I miss drawing, talking to so many, having excitement for the furry community I as new too back then.. I miss being happy, being free.
Plus, the community itself isn't the same nowadays... ALL this political BS, Corvid, hate and etc. has infested the community (like it has everything else in life currently), plus with furries being so mainstream now just... It doesn't feel the same as it did back in the early 2000's, when furries were so niche, we were smaller, more united back then... What ever happened to the biggest controversy in the community was being a episode of CSI?
Gaming and gamers were the same in the 90's and 2000's too, so small and niche but now gaming is VERY mainstream, it's bigger than ANY other form of media (movies, music and more) so it's not the same now.. It doesn't mean the same to be a gamer now and the furry community is the same now too, and it doesn't bring the same joy as it used too.
I just miss those years back then when everyone, every THING was care free and simpler, while dreading the future, mainly for myself cause I'm halfway through my life and being where I am now, it just hurts... There ARE good things yes, I am VERY glad and protective of those flames but I just feel like there is not much else for me. *shrugs*
Sorry if the journal doesn't make since... It's just a old dragon rambling and reflecting on his past and fate and such after laying in bed, thinking, tearing up and such, just been depressed and such again.
It can be overwhelming to see all the new sorts, and how vastly it differs from way back when, but times change, ya gotta take it slow, take a break a few times if ya need. Find those special folks and keep yer chin up.
Depression'll pass, with time it always does. Keep yer friends close and reach out to them if ya need as well! No need to go it alone, I'd be chill to chat as well.
Wishin ya the best laddy. Keep yer spirits up, and hopefully the storm'll pass soon.
What matters is the time that is given to us and choose to act upon that time. Let's move forward and look back on the old times, they were good.
They can be again, but it's not going to be easy, people need to start trusting each other again. Which is why for the most part I stopped watching TV.
I know you are going through some very rough times, we all are and time isn't on our side when it comes to aging. But we can, for the most part, enjoy what we have left :3