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Letter To Sparky [Personal]
8 months ago
Dear Sparky-
For the longest time, I had a massive parasocial relationship with you. Let me explain.
I grew up thoroughly, intensely, fundementalist Christian, thanks to my parents. Up until I was 16, I fervently believed that the earth was only about 6,000 years old. I thought me and a handful of other people would be teleported into paradise any day, while the rest of the world burned behind us. I beileved it was fully possible for some heartfelt words to cure cancer. I was taught to beileve that women were designed to be submissive, that all other religions were misguided, that abortion was murder, and dozens of other things I'm still unlearning.
There were some limits to the ridiculousness, though. Even as a child, I understood that your average Muslim didn't hold a grudge against a stranger, and that most of the shows Dad banned were for petty, paranoid reasons.
And one of the things that me and my brothers loved was Pokemon.
As the greatest media empire out there, it's hard not to get attached in some way. Older brother El (then sister) got ahold of an online emulated copy of Pokemon Gold, and we spent endless hours having fun and dodging our parents' eyes. Used to daydream endlessly about the games, the anime, whatever the Mystery Dungeon series is - I devoured all the fanfic I could get my hands on.
One ordinary night, a bit older at around 14, I couldn't sleep. Checking the clock and knowing that dear ole Dad was asleep, I crept down to the family computer.
I don't recall how I would up looking for it- I vaguely recall it being related to the anime episode - but I opened up Google that night at typed in "giant pokemon". And nestled in between the screencaps and anime discussions was a couple of DeviantArt drawings of giant Pokemon having fun.
I clicked on one - and this I remember vividly - it was titled "Giant Jirachi Stomps", by user Saber_th. Your old account. Clicking through, browsing the Vees and the Veemons (Thankfully not COMPLETELY NSFW. That would've pushed the old me away so fast, to say nothing about being underage) I felt something come over me that I didn't quite have a word for yet, but I would quickly learn was called a fetish.
I felt bad about it at first. There were quite a few nights where I was obsessively reading the Bible, and asking God to stop "the urges". Nothing happened, of course. You can't halt puberty any more than you can unbake a cake. I eventually rationalized it, though. The pastors always said that the reason pornography was bad was because you were watching others have sex, and this was both fictional as can be, and in many cases not even sex, so it's okay, right? (Also, that kind of logics one of the ways I figured out I was autistic)
The guilt disappeared, and I kept on, keeping things as secret as I could. Eventually, the walls cracked and I stopped being a Christian (thanks to Undertale and a very patient professor), but by far you were the first domino. If not for that macro Jirachi piece, I probably would have wound up a missionary, preaching about false love to some obscure corner of the world.
The butterfly effect works strangely, I guess. So thank you. Thank you for all your comics and art. Thank you for showing your sketches half the time - I'll admit I've used your poses a few times. But most of all, thank you for being the spark that ultimately wound up with me pushing away a life full of self censorship and guilt. You've made this little moth very happy.
-Daruki
For the longest time, I had a massive parasocial relationship with you. Let me explain.
I grew up thoroughly, intensely, fundementalist Christian, thanks to my parents. Up until I was 16, I fervently believed that the earth was only about 6,000 years old. I thought me and a handful of other people would be teleported into paradise any day, while the rest of the world burned behind us. I beileved it was fully possible for some heartfelt words to cure cancer. I was taught to beileve that women were designed to be submissive, that all other religions were misguided, that abortion was murder, and dozens of other things I'm still unlearning.
There were some limits to the ridiculousness, though. Even as a child, I understood that your average Muslim didn't hold a grudge against a stranger, and that most of the shows Dad banned were for petty, paranoid reasons.
And one of the things that me and my brothers loved was Pokemon.
As the greatest media empire out there, it's hard not to get attached in some way. Older brother El (then sister) got ahold of an online emulated copy of Pokemon Gold, and we spent endless hours having fun and dodging our parents' eyes. Used to daydream endlessly about the games, the anime, whatever the Mystery Dungeon series is - I devoured all the fanfic I could get my hands on.
One ordinary night, a bit older at around 14, I couldn't sleep. Checking the clock and knowing that dear ole Dad was asleep, I crept down to the family computer.
I don't recall how I would up looking for it- I vaguely recall it being related to the anime episode - but I opened up Google that night at typed in "giant pokemon". And nestled in between the screencaps and anime discussions was a couple of DeviantArt drawings of giant Pokemon having fun.
I clicked on one - and this I remember vividly - it was titled "Giant Jirachi Stomps", by user Saber_th. Your old account. Clicking through, browsing the Vees and the Veemons (Thankfully not COMPLETELY NSFW. That would've pushed the old me away so fast, to say nothing about being underage) I felt something come over me that I didn't quite have a word for yet, but I would quickly learn was called a fetish.
I felt bad about it at first. There were quite a few nights where I was obsessively reading the Bible, and asking God to stop "the urges". Nothing happened, of course. You can't halt puberty any more than you can unbake a cake. I eventually rationalized it, though. The pastors always said that the reason pornography was bad was because you were watching others have sex, and this was both fictional as can be, and in many cases not even sex, so it's okay, right? (Also, that kind of logics one of the ways I figured out I was autistic)
The guilt disappeared, and I kept on, keeping things as secret as I could. Eventually, the walls cracked and I stopped being a Christian (thanks to Undertale and a very patient professor), but by far you were the first domino. If not for that macro Jirachi piece, I probably would have wound up a missionary, preaching about false love to some obscure corner of the world.
The butterfly effect works strangely, I guess. So thank you. Thank you for all your comics and art. Thank you for showing your sketches half the time - I'll admit I've used your poses a few times. But most of all, thank you for being the spark that ultimately wound up with me pushing away a life full of self censorship and guilt. You've made this little moth very happy.
-Daruki
