I'm writing this here because I know this will be the least likely place for anyone to read this, as I have been largely inactive here and journals are rarely something people actually read unless it's about an art raffle or something. I'm not doing this to be read, quite the opposite; I hope nobody who cares about me reads this, I'm doing this to save my friends' dms and my social media feeds from being filled with extremely negative venting. This is just an attempt for me to try and finally get it all out for once.

I imagine I don't come across as a negative person, with my circus themed oc and my humorous, horny and otherwise upbeat posts on social media. In a way, I'm much the opposite to the person I portray myself as online; unable to find joy in anything, so desensitized that I don't even really know what horny means any more and constantly depressed. It might come out in the occasional vent in a social media post, or every now and again in a close friend's private messages, but I try to hide it because I figure most have it worse, and it's better for them, and maybe for myself, if someone is there to try and bring joy.

Some of this is an unhappiness in my current living situation. I've been stuck in the UK, in a country that has been slowly sucking the soul out of me, pretty much entirely alone, craving to move to the US to be in a country I love, surrounded by people who care about me. It's not an impossible dream, and I'm hoping I can make it work sooner rather than later, but it's such a monumental task that I do frequently worry about it.

The other reason behind my melancholy is a great feeling of isolation. I have friends, some very close ones too, but I feel like I know them all separately. We'll have conversations ranging from very frequent to every now and again in private dms, but the second we're in a setting with multiple people, even other people we mutually know, I feel like I sink out of existence. I appreciate all my friends dearly, but I truly don't feel like I can fit in anywhere when I can't be a member of any community/friendgroup without being entirely invisible. I know it's more than likely my fault, but it's disheartening that I have no idea what I have done to make things this way or what to do to join in with my friends.

I want to reach out to people so badly. To talk to old friends, to talk to current friends more, to talk to people who I think seem cool and there's nothing in the world stopping me from reaching out to them. But I can't bring myself to do it. Sometimes, it's fearing that I'm no worthy of talking to them, or sometimes it's worrying that I will annoy them. A million and one reasons for me to bury my head in the sand.

I want to end this by saying that I have no desire to harm myself or do anything more permanent and stupid than just that. But at the same time, I hate living like this. I feel like I've tried to change things, to no avail, and now I don't have the fight to do it anymore. I just pray that when (if) I move, I can find real solace in the real world with real community.