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Just trying to exist
7 months ago
I don't like talking about my life in public. I'd prefer to keep it to at least my friends and I. With that said, I think I owe you all to let you know this much.
My life has been emotionally turbulent behind the scenes. Let's just say, for the sake of brevity, that my parents have damaged my life for as long as I've lived. I won't delve into all the details, but thanks to them I have developed a form of chronic depression, and there's divorce and a cult involved.
They haven't harmed me, mind you, but they have said some things that ate their way into my brain for three decades and counting, involving indoctrination, paranoia, quackery, manipulation, and something more insidious that I'd rather not talk about.
This, and the pandemic, led to the past five years of me spending most of my time at home. I haven't been able to write at the pace I want, and while I've been trying to get out of this depressive monotony by learning to draw, I haven't accomplished anything I wanted. All I do is stare at the screen, trying to motivate myself to draw or to write. Yet I can't. And so I tune in on a stream or video, and talk to anyone online, who isn't any of my parents, simply... existing, to make things easier for me.
It's difficult to find joy on most things I like. I even find it hard to even watch an animated show or play a game, because I'm not immediately gratified or my mind finds it difficult to focus on something for more than ten seconds. I stay up late so I can keep talking to my online friends, while trying to get something written or drawn.
I'm stuck in a personal Hel of my own, and I've been trying to get my parents to help me go to a therapist, but my controlling mom seems bent on stalling to have me move to her house and be dependent on her, or worse. Went as far as prioritizing her work trip instead of sending money over to help me pay for a consultation. And I'd rather not move there. She's not a good person even though she thinks she is.
Either way, this is my current situation. I've been so stressed by my mom and how much she ruined my life that a couple strands of my hair turned white. Will it get better? I can only hope, because that's the one thing that's keeping me from having any more ideations than I already have. I haven't looked forward this much for a therapist before.
Thank you if you read all the way to the end of my ramblings. I just felt like I should've put this out there.
My life has been emotionally turbulent behind the scenes. Let's just say, for the sake of brevity, that my parents have damaged my life for as long as I've lived. I won't delve into all the details, but thanks to them I have developed a form of chronic depression, and there's divorce and a cult involved.
They haven't harmed me, mind you, but they have said some things that ate their way into my brain for three decades and counting, involving indoctrination, paranoia, quackery, manipulation, and something more insidious that I'd rather not talk about.
This, and the pandemic, led to the past five years of me spending most of my time at home. I haven't been able to write at the pace I want, and while I've been trying to get out of this depressive monotony by learning to draw, I haven't accomplished anything I wanted. All I do is stare at the screen, trying to motivate myself to draw or to write. Yet I can't. And so I tune in on a stream or video, and talk to anyone online, who isn't any of my parents, simply... existing, to make things easier for me.
It's difficult to find joy on most things I like. I even find it hard to even watch an animated show or play a game, because I'm not immediately gratified or my mind finds it difficult to focus on something for more than ten seconds. I stay up late so I can keep talking to my online friends, while trying to get something written or drawn.
I'm stuck in a personal Hel of my own, and I've been trying to get my parents to help me go to a therapist, but my controlling mom seems bent on stalling to have me move to her house and be dependent on her, or worse. Went as far as prioritizing her work trip instead of sending money over to help me pay for a consultation. And I'd rather not move there. She's not a good person even though she thinks she is.
Either way, this is my current situation. I've been so stressed by my mom and how much she ruined my life that a couple strands of my hair turned white. Will it get better? I can only hope, because that's the one thing that's keeping me from having any more ideations than I already have. I haven't looked forward this much for a therapist before.
Thank you if you read all the way to the end of my ramblings. I just felt like I should've put this out there.
