God life is weird right now. Writing this at 12 am after staying up watching the Minecraft movie with Sam, Cloud, and Issy on Discord. honestly, I didn't hate it! I thought it was so campy.

I am turning 30 in a few months! As a person who never thought they would have been alive this long, I'm grateful but also so stressed out and worried. I'm currently living with non-furries for the first time in my life and I don't think I am the biggest fan of it. The disconnect I've been feeling from the community has been immense since moving to this place. Don't get me wrong, my roomies are great friends but it's so hard to not have friends from the fandom here. honestly, life really hasn't been what I wanted since staying here and I truly feel my mental illnesses are getting worse while I'm here.

I'm also trying to find a new job. I'm currently working 3-4 days a week but making server wages with 1/3 of server tips. It's been so hard. I've had to ask for money for the whole time I've lived here from friends and strangers. I've been having zero luck with every interview I've had and nothing has been working. I am starting to build up immense debt as well. With stuff in the country going on, I am getting more and more worried of what my future will bring. Living in Massachusetts will hopefully take a weight off my shoulders but we'll see.

For those unaware, I have been training to be a pro wrestler. It's been going pretty okay. I work with a queer, egalitarian wrestling league and it's been a blast but also hard to navigate with a lot of egos. Every lead up to a show i get stressed and think about leaving, but then the show happens and I'm all like "YES, THIS IS AMAZING, I LOVE THIS". Someone is also working on a documentary on us, which is crazy cool?? I'm so excited to see the final product. Being a trans woman that will be highly visible in a really cool documentary is so scary but also feels so cool.

Outside of the group, I am trying to get booked anywhere and everywhere. I am reaching out to a lot of the local promotions as well as queer-prominent indie promotions. It is a lot on my mental; sometimes I feel like, even though I am in Massachusetts, there are people who are silently judging me or are unwelcoming to trans folks, hence not being booked. But I am hoping to push past all the prejudice. I really, really, REALLY like wrestling so I'm hoping it pans out somehow. The goal is to travel as much as I can and hopefully, someday, wrestle in Japan. I loved wrestling so much as a kid and if 10 year old me knew I was doing this stuff, I'm sure they would be stoked as hell. of course, as with any sort of art or performance stuff, you don't do it for the money. You have to do it for the love of it.

I miss doing fandom stuff so much. i miss going to conventions, going to furmeets, hanging out with other furries, etc. I feel like it's such a big part of my life that I can't do much with other than interact in telegram chats. I want to get more involved again, but feel like it can't happen until I start making enough money to live and get myself settled. I think that will be my goal this year: find a job that pays enough to live, with a schedule that fits my social life.

I really hope I can do it.