As an autistic person, and an ex clinically depressed person, I don't think it's autism here. I feel like you genuinely need more better people around you, because I was in a very similar position as you. I still had a little bit of family around though, but, there was still a huge mass of negativity clouding my mind. And later, I learned that was because of how little people actually cared. I tried socializing more, made some new friends who understood my situation, and whaddaya know, I got better soon enough. It may take time, but seriously, if therapy isn't an option, online or otherwise, try something new you can meet new people while doing. For me it was volunteer work at a cat sanctuary lol- oh, and speaking of that, little pets to take care of can also help, aside from trying new hobbies and such!

yeah. i want to move on

Definitely try one of the things I listed if you haven't already, I hate seeing good people suffer 3:

Telehealth allows getting a therapist outside of your immediate range.

After the point that you're considering suicide, then considering the risk of just cutting ties and trying elsewhere is at least better odds; there are shelters elsewhere more than ready to help out an autistic person on the run from a toxic family.

Depression sucks, and it can hardwire your brain into certain patterns. For me suicidal ideation is just... always there. But I have animals to take care of, and that helps a lot, for me.
Your situation sucks but I get it. It took me years to make the changes I have and my life got a lot better for it, I KNEW my life would get better for it, but change was very very hard. Change is always hard, and scary, and you shouldn't feel guilty or bad or broken because of that. Changing from the good to the bad, and more than that, trusting in people AND yourself when you've been beaten down and the trust in those things has been tried and broken so many times is extremely difficult.
Those people have and will continue to suck the life out of you until you're just a husk, though. You DO have to get away, at some point. I would suggest starting small. If there's someone who will put you up for a few days that you can drive to, that's a great place to start. Have that experience.
The world is in a bad place and it's easy to get bogged down by that and have it leak in on you on top of everything else even when you're trying to avoid it. Our brains suck, they just ABSORB the negative everywhere. But that doesn't mean you can't improve your own situation, or feel guilty for doing so.
Like seriously, take care of yourself, and if you ever need anything, I'm more'n happy to do whatever I can to help, and I know a lot of other people will be too.

see okay, this, this this this--i'm always having like "hate fantasies" about offing myself and part of me wonders if having them almost every other day like this is normal, like to the point of me having a freakout during my cardio and punching myself silly until i fall over screaming. hate that, don't like it

i just constantly worry that what if the change that i THINK i want is gonna be the final nail in the coffin, you know? like oh whoops, failed at life, gonna die SLOWLY now living in a ditch

what needs to happen is all these insane happenstances going on need to stop so i can stabilize myself. it's just like oh here's $2K ya gotta use to fix your truck--wait nope here's $7K you gotta spend on another truck cos your folks are clinically imbeciles, wait oh you thought that's bad? here's months of chemo, haha jk fuck you here's $3K you're gonna need to cremate your grandpa--LMAO HEY FUCKFACE, get ready to deal with a psychotic family and spend hundreds more on home repairs because they're insane!

the thought of eating a bullet sounds great but i'm too fuckin fat so i'd probably end up going for mcdonalds instead so people can laugh at me

I don't know, and I wish I did :(

Another thing to keep in mind, depression isn't always related to just having negative people around you. It could just be your brain being a funky little guy and just not letting you have the good time chemicals. If you have access to a regular doctor, it might be worth asking about antidepressos

sociobiological symptoms, it's fine it's fine it's fine

lmao i meant "it's fun it's fun it's fun"

Yeah both are true probably :p

I really think therapy would help you, if there are none in your area, try doing remote. I did all my therapy for anxiety on web calls with the therapist and I found that even more comfortable than going in person.

Therapy isnt like a silver bullet but it gives you more tools. It really helped me anyway.

i agree, when i had a therapist back in 2021 or so, i felt like wow i'm kinda safe, someone in front of me who's not actually insane and constantly being psychotic

i used to have suicidal thoughts for a while but getting out of my moms place, getting a job helped. i don't think it was the new environment, it was having something to do, something to keep my mind focused. of course, getting out of a house with an alcoholic helped a lot.

ohhhh i can't deal with alcoholics, it's bad

it was so bad, didn't help she hardly ate anything when she drank, screaming at a child she didn't want

Yeah, depression never really goes away- I feel like the "oh just do XYZ" people haven't really been through it the same way. It's always there- sometimes you're bigger than it, sometimes it's bigger than you. The most you can do sometimes is just hold it. I've never tried the antidepressants, but I know they help some people, at least.

Getting away from toxic people can be hard. I hope you find a way to do it without hurting yourself more, at least.

yesssssss traumabonding, i may just be like this for the rest of my life oh well help

thank you

Depression can come and go as it pleases. Sometimes it can stick around for a long time, and it really just drags everything you do down with it.

Something my therapist occasionally reminds me is that "There is no magic wand, no easy solution to be rid of depression. Even with therapy, medication, or any other help, it takes effort to pull yourself back out of when it pulls you down again (paraphrasing a bit)." And sometimes the things people suggest to help don't work in the moment: sometimes when I'm depressed I'll do my daily workout and still be depressed. Sometimes I'll go for a walk on a beautiful day and I'll still be depressed. BUT, the feeling does eventually pass; sometimes on its own, and sometimes something snaps me out of it.

I'd wager that you've not always felt depression's heavy weight upon you, even in recent times. And if the feeling will pass once, it will pass again. You have to remember it DOES pass.


Autistic or otherwise, change can be daunting to anyone. Some people just take it in stride better than others (I wish I was one of those types). So here's something to think about with the idea of getting away: make a list of pros and cons. What would be good about getting away? What would be bad about it? I think making an actual list to ponder over and weigh the options you have might help set you to a course of action that is better for you.

I hope any of this helps. Sorry I can't do much more on this side of the screen.

you're good, just knowing some peeps will listen to me and not get angry, is a lot to me

i've been working at this for so long, and the past year of life has felt like taking 30 backflips back for every step forward,

I understand the feeling man, Its like therapist are far and few inbetween, but I guess theres always online therapy (First Stop Health has online therapy). I have Aspergers and honestly I even with a therapist, I feel like no one understands me, which leads to depression (Trust me, I have been clinical since 2018), but eventually you'll find those who listen and understand you, which will help greatly. I really hope things get better for you man.

I have battled it most of my life and...it comes in waves, is my best response. In recent years I have learned better coping skills, positive self-talk and daily affirmations, but there *are* bad days. Days when it's almost impossible to get out of bed or stop crying. And a good support network, people who understand the illness and who you are, are important but so difficult to find. All we can do is keep going. One more day. And if one more day seems like too much then another few hours at least. Then see how you feel.

Right now the world feels especially bleak to me, abroad and in my personal sphere. But you have to keep telling yourself that change is constant and this applies to moods and life especially.

Hang in there dude. Keep breathing.

finger's crossed

i actaully think the only thing keeping me going is that i like for people to see my shitty art lmao,

but hey if it works i guess.

cheers

As an autistic person with depression, it never goes. You experience peaks and troughs. Sorry to sound glum, however, it's all just temporary and hopefully you'll feel a peak soon :)

One thing that does help is trying to take up a new hobby or getting rid of the source of burn out (Burn out sucks ).

Depression is truely terrible but remember, regardless of how dark the abyss is, there's always a light. Even if the source is an ugly fish!

this "temporary" goes onnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnn and lately it's been a solid month with some occasional breaths of oxygen y'kno

gonna try

From the info you had been giving it does look that you live in a toxic dysfunctional family environment. Leave, try to contact someone that you are friends with on-line, expose them your situation and then if they do agree move to their place for a while until you can find one of your own near their location and far from thar black hole. By the looks of it your toxic family is trapped in a codependency social dynamic for economy related reasons, they are sabotaging you so never manage to find independence due needing your money, but they despise you because of your neuro divergent condition or simply envy towards your talent and whenever they can will make your existence a living Hell. Is a vicious cycle but you can get out of there and shatter it.
As a reference on how your life will improve if do this is the biography of Elf Quest's creator Wendy Fletcher: autistic and living in an abusive ultra-religious household. She fought for her art, did leave her toxic family and became a legend in the comic book media.

abusive and ultra-religious, lmaoooo why doe so many people have these types of families

it's so common that it's scary. but it would be nice to leave guilt-free and not try to kill myself a year down the line because i can't forgive myself for such

that's a lot

but it's so right, distance (from what i can understand) can heal people

there is no currect answer. that is what helped me. my situation at home was diffrent tho. so yea.

I hope your depression lessens; or that you can become more resilient against it. It really is a unending struggle.

Even when i take vitamin D to boost my mood; i still know its there; looming despite being 'happy'. It just sucks; and I hope you can over come yours.

maybe i just need to eat an entire head of lettuce or something, that will fix me

just become a fucking rabbit

Salads are good. Couldn't hurt trying out different food items/nutritional supplements to see if they help.

It sounds stupid; but i was blacking out daily for 4 months because I wasn't getting enough potasium(then 2 more months because of iron)

Become the rabbit; transcend reality!!!

ohhhh yeah i had some potassium issues before, i was only drinking water after long work hours so i had no salt left in me lmao

wishing we were cyborgs

Oof. That definitely would do it. electrolyte water is a godsend sometimes (powerade > Gatorade; but gators > power)

If elon is running the cyborg program; i'd rather be a insane asylum patient who thinks he's a weird reptile creature.

I'll just say again that you are on fire, and you really ought to do something about that. Yes, you're depressed. You may or may not have a natural proclivity for that (you do, mm'kay?), but it's impossible to be in your situation for any stretch of time and not be depressed. The quality of people you're spending time with is well below rock bottom, and your choices here are to escape or let them burn you to the ground. This is incredibly frustrating to watch; you have all this dead weight hanging off of you and dragging you down, but you're still standing in spite of it—but you think you lack the strength to walk away if you drop that weight? If you escape, you will be okay. Eventually, I mean. It'll hurt, but you're hurting now. You need to save the person that's making an effort to survive, and that's you. So here's your sign. Here's some random whacko out in the wilds of the Internet giving you permission to save yourself—an imperative to save yourself. Who's going to carry the dead weight once it's dragged you down? You're off the hook.

the funny part is how much i agree with this and every time someone else has said it--yet my brain refuses to treat it as a net gain to burn all bridges, cos i feel like i have to be here to help those who have been abused and mistreated their whole life

like that's been my identity for so long, that if i strip myself of it, i wouldn't be sure if i'm me anymore?? and i'm afraid of what i'd do

but you're so right

I guess it's a question of what 'you' you actually want to be. This one doesn't seem like it fits right. In any case, all the strength to you, either for making a stand making a stand or for handling the bullshit.

I'm actually high functioning autistic. Most of the feelings I have yesterday are feelings of the odds are against me. Other times I question myself on how do I combat this thinking. I wished I had made more friends than ever that can point me the right direction.

one can hope

i'm really sorry tho

You're good. You're still the best artist.

If you can do that Telehealth thing mentioned, see if it's available.

I've dealt with it as a cyclical thing since I was a kid.

In my experience depression never really "goes away", it's often just managed. But alot of the advice you have been given does indeed help. For myself, just forcing myself to do things helps. But not just random things, things that I know that I need or really want to get done. Even if I don't get the task completed, so long as I make meaningful progress; it helps alot.

managing it is the problem cos lately it's been so bad that i'm just like "this is it, i'm just gonna rot until i have a heart attack i guess"

I know the feels, man

I honestly dont know, to me I dont feel like it lets up more like it disappears for unexplained reasons only to suddenly come back for unexplained reasons and each time it hits me like a truck

yeah?? it's annoying like that.

worse when it snowballs cause you just feel like everyone hates you or everyones left you behind

Drugs, the answer is drugs
I'm on two separate antidepressants, and it helps when superficial advice never did. I had to try several before I found a combination that helped in every way. It's much, much better than nothing. --I don't think I could've tolerated nothing much longer

i was taken off my antidepressants cos my docs just quit so i'm out here trying to adjust lol

Fuckin.... get back on them, if your god shuns you, find a new god
They make such a difference, like 2 weeks and I feel like I can survive
Versus 6 different therapists who listen to me and then re-state the obvious like I'm gonna have an epiphany, instead of blowing an epiphany along with the rest of my brains out in their waiting room if they keep bullshitting me

oh i agree

if i can ever get a doctor to write me prescrips for that again, cos any of my primaries were like "oh we can only write you 10mg of prozac" like that's, that's just chalk.

Look into contacting with a Therapist online. From what you've said, they can definitely help you in setting boundaries with your family.

It is NOT ok that they keep taking advantage of you, and expecting you to bail them out of bad situations without giving you any support in return.

I remember Betterhelp like, almost spamming me with offers for online therapy

so one day sometime last year (?) i was like "eh fuck it" and filled out a thing, they asked some questions and basically was like "oh this isn't qualified to help you bye" basically and i was like ??

at least that's what i remember, memory has been abysmal lately

Recovering alcoholic with mostly resolved major depression here. Was institutionalized more than once for it plus psychosis. I think one thing that's important is that by posting here you're reaching out, like it's clear you WANT to be surrounded by people who care and aren't trying to parasitize you. You don't want things to be harder, you want to be on the path to getting better.

Do you have a circle of people in your community you can trust? Change is scary, but if you have an anchor point somewhere online with people who care about you for you, that's huge and stabilizing and can help smooth out the jarringness of the changes.

If no place comes to mind, I've been writing weird smut for over a decade and have made a lot of great friends in these circles. I actually run something like a private support group for creatives. If you need a steady social touchstone I might be able to provide one, my discord name is the same as this username, Sicstories .

Either way, I'm rooting for you and understand how awful depression can feel. Don't cut yourself off from social contact you feel comfortable with, that's important for sure. Be well, don't sell your inner strength short.

I wish you best of luck on continuing sobriety, firstly. In terms of being around people--I think I'd rather be surrounded by preferably nobody outside of my online spaces, hahaha. Like at this point, goodness me.

Ideally I would looooove love love to like, go out and stay with a friend of mine I've known online (though I don't think moving thousands of miles away is in the cards for me). I'd pay their fuckin bills and cook food and clean if it meant I could just, be away. Far away.

But hey, thanks tho--I may only trust a select few peeps online cos the people in person are literally undependable, but that helps me. Again, hoping the best for y'all as well.

when does it let up?

from my experience... never.

i've suffered crippling depression my entire life, i suffer from anxiety, i'm antisocial but at the same time desperately wish i had friends and a partner in my life, but also don't want to be around people all the time, so that complicates everything.

i hate myself, i hate everything else, and on top of a laundry list of other issues, i am just impossible for anyone to handle.

pretty sure i talked to you about this stuff before, but yeah... as someone who is literally incompatible with positivity, the suffering never ends.

different things work for different people, and for some of us, nothing works.

some of us are just broken... and no one wants something that's broken.

atleast, speaking from personal experience.

still, all we can really do is be there for each other and do the best we can.

i wish i wasn't breaking so much cos i genuinely just, i don't know

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. I know you were doing everything you could for him. Take the time to care about yourself now. You matter and deserve to chase your own happiness!

Once I get time to take time for myself!

That's never coming. You've gotta make time.

I'm just a random passing person on the web but reading this reminded me of how I felt a few years ago. Disclaimer of I AM NOT A DOCTOR. EVERYTHING I SAY HERE IS IN CONTEXT TO ME ALONE AND EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

To preface I definitely suffer from some sort of depression and anxiety. I probably have some undiagnosed neurodivergence as well, possibly ASD and ADD. I've been dealing with this shit for most of my life. I have a degree with relation to both biological and psychological things.

Depression in general for me let up when I feel like I could get breathing room. This occurred to me with taking my antidepressant in a cadence of once every 3-4 days. As a result I have been able to mostly eliminate the effects of tolerance. It alsp kept me from feeling like a zombie 24/7. Like I was extremely empty headed all the time even when I was building tolerance and taking it daily.

My brain works extremely fast, so fast that if I don't take medication I end up in anxiety loops in my head that turn into self-loathing. And eventually this speed results in me burning out my literal physical chemicals (presumably neurotransmitters) in my head because I am exhausted and can no longer compensate for this.

The smoking gun was this: No matter how much I CONSCIOUSLY rationalize myself to think better, my underlying functions in my brain will continue to expend this energy until I am a shell and barely exist.

Exercise diet is very good for the rest of your body and health but for me: without medication to help regulate my actual brain I was cooked. My SSRI snubs my short term memory and results in me not thinking into loops which helps me not just constantly burn resources to fight anxiety loops. Everything feels slower and more palpable.

Basically - everything you said about all these good behaviors to improve your health and all that - that helps make you feel happier if you can feel happy. It's not useless but to me it DOES NOT HELP when you are tired and burned out/in a funk.

Medication makes it so that my lows are avoided by minimizing the cause of them - I get a little dumb but days 3-4 of not taking my medication I generally start thinking fast again but not in a detrimental way yet due to the lingering effects of the SSRI.

Thus with balancing medication to avoid lows I was able to feel rested and expend energy later. I generally am less depressed as a result of my medication and balancing my ability to expend energy on a week to week basis.

My "family" I have effectively disowned because they caused this on me and have never been any mental/emotional help. They disssuaded me from taking medication because "You're normal now shut the fuck up and stop being lazy." They have fucked me up more than anything else in this world through being shit people and have wasted actual years of my life by doing that shit.

I keep a tenuous connection to them if only because I can do so for my benefit. I have fought - even physically- to make my emotions understood. Obviously not everyone can do this but I have established myself and am succeeding better as a result of this.

Enough about me though. It's okay - coping is really hard when life throws idiotic curve balls at you. Those feel better behaviors you read are great, really, but they only worked to make me feel better when I could you know, feel something. I swear most of them are written by not depressed and anxious people who felt sad for one day then got back to normal.

With depression, EVERYTHING is harder. It's okay to feel that way and it's not your fault. And the people saying "Yer not depressed you don't know how to turn your brain off" YEAH NO FUCKING SHIT MAYBE THAT'S WHY? Ugh sorry,

Sorry for this long winded borderline rant that's sorta getting but a lot of what you described felt very close to home. I hope my experiences I described with myself can help enlighten a way to figure out a piece of the puzzle.

Okay, yeah, I wanna say 100% same boat with how family treats mental health issues as an "excuse to not work" despite us working anyways until we hit a brick wall. It's constant once they found out because now they've solidified their attitude as "That ain't depression, that's the devil talking" because religion and psychology go SO well together. I'm sorry you've had that happen as well--it's maddening.

And as far as SSRIs go, I agree about how it zombifies you, except in a kinda/sorta good-ish way? Like I was on Prozac and Luvox and blah blah blah and yeah, once they were in my system, I felt less like BASHING MY SKULL INTO AN OAK WALL and more like, mildly disgruntled, if not deadpan. It just doesn't help that my doctor quit and there exists no therapists near me TO renew my prescription. Between getting cut off my meds and scheduling/transporting/etc chemotherapy sessions for my grandpa, I just turned to drinking, heavily. I'm mostly a month and a half sober.

I just wish some other folks who have such a monumental part in your life could understand that sometimes it's not a religious aspect (fuck religion i'm sorry) or social decision that dictates how we feel--but fuckin, basic chemistry. The irony is that it's probably a genetic predisposition cos allllllllllll the people on my grandpa's side of the family act like this.

I appreciate you taking the time to write all this, and I can safely fuckin say that I've pretty much been there, done that (not to undermine anything whatsoever). I just need less life-changing events to happen so I can cope, OR FIND A NEW DOCTOR FFS.