There's a feeling I tend to have, more frequently than I would like. It takes a trigger, something that initiates it, though I've yet to understand the true common denominator behind any given trigger.

It starts with a pounding in my chest. A heartbeat so deep and visceral it is almost impossible to ignore.
Then my fingers begin to shake, my breathing deepens, my thoughts cloud.
And the emotion it all leads to is something I can never seem to describe.
Anger and sadness. Betrayal and hopelessness. Taking turns or blending into one nightmare.
A terrible whirlpool of things that leads me down the worst descent.

I've learned to control the spirals, hang onto some part of myself.
But I have yet to learn to control the emotions, and I feel I never will.
Emotions, they're hard to truly control. You can manage how you act, but not how you feel.

I'm writing this now because I feel it again. That monstrous pounding within me. That welling rage that so desperately wants an outlet.
But I will not allow it. I cannot allow it.
Too many times has it controlled me.
But not tonight.

I want to be better.
I have to be better.
And I will be better.
One day at a time.