Hey, guys. I sincerely apologize for the delay with orders. I haven’t forgotten about you, really. It’s just that when I have some mental problems, I redraw my drawings from scratch every time and change my lineart several times a day, because when I’m emotionally down, in my case, it affects the creative process.

Also, I will update the list of current orders so you can see at what stage the work is. I will try to make it more compact and without unnecessary details.

🪧A little heads up
You can stop reading now because now there will be a stream of thoughts that I have in my head xD and if you want to dive into this ball of sadness — think twice if it’s worth spending your time.

I always used the journal as a “personal” diary before, but I haven’t written like this for a long time because I kept everything inside and forgot that I can just open my soul here where I feel comfortable.

🌸About friends and loneliness
I don’t have many friends, literally just a couple, and it’s already hard for me to find new friends because the older people get, the harder it is to communicate (at least for me).

I am a soft and emotional person; literally, any sad news can push me into some depressive state... What’s interesting is that this problem is almost common for most artists and non-artists, I’m just talking about creativity now.

🌸Home and the war
At the moment, I am experiencing stress and some loneliness. I miss my home in Ukraine, and I constantly watch news about my city and Ukraine in general and worry about all the people there because it’s very scary when it feels like you live your last day and fall asleep hoping your home will still be standing.

Even though I’ve been in emigration for 3 years, I still find it hard to accept where I actually am and live.

Sometimes I have nightmares about the war, and it’s scary because I witnessed the moment the bombing started. I think this situation affected me and all Ukrainians a lot. I have a very strong feeling of fear, and sorry, but while everyone was calm and said it would pass, I was throwing up in the toilet out of fear and knew that it wouldn’t end but was only the beginning... That’s how my body reacted.

Living in Germany, I’m in waiting mode like, “Oh, those idiots are negotiating now, this will definitely end soon, and I will be able to go to my city and live like before.” But I understand that after the war ends, it will certainly be difficult because my home is destroyed and a lot of effort will be needed to rebuild our country as a whole. People are tired of the war and want to live peacefully, but how can you live peacefully when you have such a crazy neighbor.

🌸Family and friendships
In general, about politics, I also often stress out; my cousin lives there, and I worry a lot about her. I would like her to live with me because we were like sisters from childhood... I miss walking with her and her sense of humor.

In Germany, I have no one because I’m quite shy with my dumb jokes and cannot find a friend yet, even online.

Some people who moved because of the war forget that the war is still going on in our land, and they start a new life, forgetting about Ukraine... Maybe they make the right choice because it’s easier to start something and continue life, but I still can’t get used to the idea that I am here.

🌸My feelings right now
Okay, I’ll move away from politics. Speaking about my state, I feel depressed and cry constantly. I’ve become more sensitive and vulnerable.

I am grateful to my friend Kakashka (if you’re reading this, that’s just his nickname, hahaha) because I can send him some funny videos and know for sure that he’ll watch them! It’s a pity the language barrier sometimes interferes, but I’m still glad he’s in my life; for me, he’s the best friend Kakashka.

I miss this so much because when I send to another person who speaks the same language, they might not watch or scroll past the video, even if I share some personal stuff like what I find funny and comment on something. But it’s so upsetting when you find out that the person just didn’t listen to one minute and what I said there. This person is very important to me, and we are a couple, but why does he sometimes treat me like this... We are separated by many kilometers, and the person cannot just give a couple of minutes to watch the video I sent.

Because of this, I feel incredibly melancholy and loneliness and that I’m just nobody... well, yes, I’m just a crybaby and I’m quite talkative and love to listen; I love when someone shares how their day went, etc.

🌸Gratitude and motivation
I’m grateful to FurAffinity that I can write personal things here and no one judges; on the contrary, they can support and write a nice comment, and it warms my heart... after that, I’m filled with energy and good emotions, and it becomes easier to draw, I feel motivated.

When I face rude people, I often take it personally and don’t understand why people can sometimes be cruel to me because I’m always polite and patient and never have any evil intentions.

🌸Final thoughts
Sigh, in short, I’m a little upset that at 23, life is going exactly like it is now, although everything depends on me, but I feel kind of disappointed in everything.

And yes, guys, sometimes when you tell me to fix something in the art, I also feel insanely embarrassed that someone paid for the work and I’m letting them down.

I’m basically a walking anxiety mess xD