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Merry Saturnalia with Notes to self
15 years ago
Ave,
(The purpose of this journal is to amuse myself at a later time in the future, continue reading at your own peril. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED; CONSIDER THIS YOUR DISCLAIMER)
I am quite aware I am two days late for Christmas, and ten days late for Saturnalia. I frequently personify Punctuality and Prudence as nothing more than a couple of common street whores who need to be smacked on, spat on, and put in their place (Further note to self: at a later more financially liberal time commission an artist to personify Punctuality and Prudence as sleazy, scuzzy, frothy Ladies of the Evening) and I will go out of my way to do so.
At the current moment I am doing laundry in my Halloween toga(Read as: Freeballing) because I have procrastinated and have nothing else to wear. After flirting and groping myself in front of the laundry room mirror, I began scent inspection of each laundry piece. I discovered a very queer oddity. Some of the shirts had the smells of unrecognized colognes(I found more than one strange cologne-esque non BO smell). I have formed five hypotheses to whom or what the culprit may be.
A.) I am having olfactory hallucinations (most likely)
B.) My room is a magic smell factory (equally likely)
C.) Gigolos are breaking in to my room and stealing my shirts, later returning them after use. (least likely but most desired)
D.) Quantum Physics
E.) Same as C.) but replace the Gigolos with time traveling invisible leprechauns (least likely and munchkins piss me off)
Now I regret having blocked out learning the process of the Scientific Method in school. That would have been the only way to validate or disqualify these hypotheses.
For all of those who endured that I sincerely hope you had a happy holiday season. I hope you awoke to gifts and presents and not doorhandles with a liberal amount of lipids applied.
(Another note to self: Buy a loincloth so you/I don't have to wear such a ridiculous outfit next time you/I procrastinate doing laundry)
I am quite aware I am two days late for Christmas, and ten days late for Saturnalia. I frequently personify Punctuality and Prudence as nothing more than a couple of common street whores who need to be smacked on, spat on, and put in their place (Further note to self: at a later more financially liberal time commission an artist to personify Punctuality and Prudence as sleazy, scuzzy, frothy Ladies of the Evening) and I will go out of my way to do so.
At the current moment I am doing laundry in my Halloween toga(Read as: Freeballing) because I have procrastinated and have nothing else to wear. After flirting and groping myself in front of the laundry room mirror, I began scent inspection of each laundry piece. I discovered a very queer oddity. Some of the shirts had the smells of unrecognized colognes(I found more than one strange cologne-esque non BO smell). I have formed five hypotheses to whom or what the culprit may be.
A.) I am having olfactory hallucinations (most likely)
B.) My room is a magic smell factory (equally likely)
C.) Gigolos are breaking in to my room and stealing my shirts, later returning them after use. (least likely but most desired)
D.) Quantum Physics
E.) Same as C.) but replace the Gigolos with time traveling invisible leprechauns (least likely and munchkins piss me off)
Now I regret having blocked out learning the process of the Scientific Method in school. That would have been the only way to validate or disqualify these hypotheses.
For all of those who endured that I sincerely hope you had a happy holiday season. I hope you awoke to gifts and presents and not doorhandles with a liberal amount of lipids applied.
(Another note to self: Buy a loincloth so you/I don't have to wear such a ridiculous outfit next time you/I procrastinate doing laundry)
...Today.
Now, as your doctor, whom you have neglected to visit in over three years, I simply cannot let this matter go unattended. I humbly request that you see me in my office this week at the earliest possible convenience. I have some tests that must be run.
(( P.S. Ffffff, I lol'ed. <3 ))
Unless....You're working for the Kremlin itself!
Oh noes, my doctor has blown the cover to my anti-commie sleeper cell. ALL IS LOST!
Now I must go gathering random newspaper and magazine clippings to decipher what my next course of action shall be.
Do svidanya comrade