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A New Dawn - Life Update
4 months ago
The Hefty 'Bre has something to say!
I...had no idea where to begin with all this. I thought things would get easier as I pushed myself bit by bit at work, but that's only gotten me more frustrated over time to a point where I sounded a lot more dickish than need be at my job. I'm on my final warning all for being mad at a couple coworkers bothering me in some way on the job. One asking for too much out of me while working and another not being clear on what it is they're told to do. The past weekend was filled with...not doing much of anything up until I talked with a close friend recently. I've missed hanging out with them and how we'd simply have fun, but 3 years feels like you go from just being in high school to being a full time adult. That's how I see it, at least. Time blinks by a lot faster than I thought it would. But I'm probably a little off subject with how this sounds like rambling so far. Let me slow things down a little.
The past month has been filled with me thinking about what I do in my day to day life. A lot of self reflecting and seeing where I'm at now, I don't feel fully satisfied with how far I've let things slip from me. Things like not taking my streaming further than I should, getting more hours at work to have more funds for stuff, allocating those funds into equipment rather than collector's items. And there's things I know I could be doing better as a whole like what games I play with or around others, planning things out, and even making time for just me. I sit here and write this all out because I want this to be the last major update journal I make for a long while. I self depricate far too often, even making most of my journals on here either stream announcements or just me feeling dissatisfied with my life when really...I'm not making that active push for myself.
It hit me the other day that I act more like my mother than I think. I still love her, don't get me wrong, but I realized she doesn't give me the good active kick I need to go beyond where I'm at. Even doing things for me at times rather than letting me figure stuff out on my own. Not only that, but she...has had a tendency to lay around a lot more than not around the house despite having to do house work. Because of my upbringing, I was simply guided along life without a clear goal or idea what to do with it when I finally became an adult. And here I am, a guy working at a Panda Express with an Associates in Arts that has yet to make any good use of it because he burnt out on making art after so many years. Coupled that with a few unhealthy mental habits and you got a guy who's been in a slump for so long that now he's seen the bigger picture. At least, I hope I see it.
What am I getting at when I say all of this, though? Well...simply put, I'm going to be fixing myself. Steadily work on things I've been wanting to do and things I'd hope not to do, but have no choice for at this point. I'll be real, I gave up job hunting almost 4 months ago after the first several applications didn't get me a single call back, but I have to get back on the grind more than ever just to have some kind of financial security and even see if I can land some medical benefits for the long term. I said it before, but I deeply need to find out what's wrong with me. I've not been happy with myself for a long time now and I'm at a point where...I had an unpleasant thought after work one day. I'm sure you can piece the rest together without me needing to say it, but if I'm at that point where I think of shit like that? Then it's just time I start doing what needs to be done.
And to clarify on some things, speaking on my physical health, I'm okay, but I know there is much to be done to be a better person. I still wanna do smaller things like stream, but I'm gonna be taking just a bit more time before I get back into that. Despite having more free time than ever after the past couple or so months, I want to come back to where I feel like I can be happy with what I'm working on. The Switch 2 is coming, so who knows? Maybe I'll do something around launch week, but no promises that it'll be on launch day I can stream something. Streaming has still been in the back of my mind for a while, but I gotta tackle this with a different mind set. And one that won't burn me out.
Throughout my time, however, I've been having more ideas for writing. Or at least, how I should approach writing. While I haven't gotten back into the swing of things yet, one major thing I still intend to do is rework some OCs and their backstories. I clearly rushed some things throughout my life and wanna go back to each OC at a time, tweaking a few things that make them who they are nowadays. I still have so many ideas I wanna share with the world - or at the very least, with friends. And...some of these ideas are less self indulgent than what I'm normally used to. I'll be real, the self indulgent side of me is burned out a fair amount and in need of a change in pace. This is not to say I'm stopping altogether, but I need some time to come up with fresher material for the growing cast I got in my head. I treasure them to a point where I've daydreamed various scenarios pretty often. Some good, some bad, some in the grey zone. I guess I just don't wanna feel bland, ya know? But with that being said, again: Just want to redo a few things with these guys. Especially myself. That one story I said I'd write has changed a fair bit over time to where I got something different in mind now. You'll see when the day comes.
...For real, though, let me slow myself down as I've been going a mile a minute here. I seriously intend to work on myself for the next several months while improving my craft. I clearly need to spend more free time seeing what it is I can do for myself rather than indulging in every little thing and then proceeding to burn myself out with my job shortly after. I'm simply a wreck, but one that has seen now that their life can go on if I give myself that push needed to go on. Friends and family can help, but it's up to me if I wanna go far in life or not. And with where my mind was before, it didn't want to go any places except to escape reality. Well, no more escapism for me. This is where I start getting my shit together now while I have the time. I've been so down on myself that I don't drag myself out of the void I've made for myself at this point. It's not gonna be easy, I know that now, but lets see where this all takes me, yeah? I'll still be around online and the such, but probably not as frequently to really get my life together. I hope you all managed to understand me despite how...messy this whole journal came together. My mind hops from one thing to another pretty often, but I'll have to do some research into why that is. I'll sort myself out. It'll be a while, but I will. And I hope you all will be patient with me if you already have been the past couple years. I'll do about whatever it takes for me to get better.
The past month has been filled with me thinking about what I do in my day to day life. A lot of self reflecting and seeing where I'm at now, I don't feel fully satisfied with how far I've let things slip from me. Things like not taking my streaming further than I should, getting more hours at work to have more funds for stuff, allocating those funds into equipment rather than collector's items. And there's things I know I could be doing better as a whole like what games I play with or around others, planning things out, and even making time for just me. I sit here and write this all out because I want this to be the last major update journal I make for a long while. I self depricate far too often, even making most of my journals on here either stream announcements or just me feeling dissatisfied with my life when really...I'm not making that active push for myself.
It hit me the other day that I act more like my mother than I think. I still love her, don't get me wrong, but I realized she doesn't give me the good active kick I need to go beyond where I'm at. Even doing things for me at times rather than letting me figure stuff out on my own. Not only that, but she...has had a tendency to lay around a lot more than not around the house despite having to do house work. Because of my upbringing, I was simply guided along life without a clear goal or idea what to do with it when I finally became an adult. And here I am, a guy working at a Panda Express with an Associates in Arts that has yet to make any good use of it because he burnt out on making art after so many years. Coupled that with a few unhealthy mental habits and you got a guy who's been in a slump for so long that now he's seen the bigger picture. At least, I hope I see it.
What am I getting at when I say all of this, though? Well...simply put, I'm going to be fixing myself. Steadily work on things I've been wanting to do and things I'd hope not to do, but have no choice for at this point. I'll be real, I gave up job hunting almost 4 months ago after the first several applications didn't get me a single call back, but I have to get back on the grind more than ever just to have some kind of financial security and even see if I can land some medical benefits for the long term. I said it before, but I deeply need to find out what's wrong with me. I've not been happy with myself for a long time now and I'm at a point where...I had an unpleasant thought after work one day. I'm sure you can piece the rest together without me needing to say it, but if I'm at that point where I think of shit like that? Then it's just time I start doing what needs to be done.
And to clarify on some things, speaking on my physical health, I'm okay, but I know there is much to be done to be a better person. I still wanna do smaller things like stream, but I'm gonna be taking just a bit more time before I get back into that. Despite having more free time than ever after the past couple or so months, I want to come back to where I feel like I can be happy with what I'm working on. The Switch 2 is coming, so who knows? Maybe I'll do something around launch week, but no promises that it'll be on launch day I can stream something. Streaming has still been in the back of my mind for a while, but I gotta tackle this with a different mind set. And one that won't burn me out.
Throughout my time, however, I've been having more ideas for writing. Or at least, how I should approach writing. While I haven't gotten back into the swing of things yet, one major thing I still intend to do is rework some OCs and their backstories. I clearly rushed some things throughout my life and wanna go back to each OC at a time, tweaking a few things that make them who they are nowadays. I still have so many ideas I wanna share with the world - or at the very least, with friends. And...some of these ideas are less self indulgent than what I'm normally used to. I'll be real, the self indulgent side of me is burned out a fair amount and in need of a change in pace. This is not to say I'm stopping altogether, but I need some time to come up with fresher material for the growing cast I got in my head. I treasure them to a point where I've daydreamed various scenarios pretty often. Some good, some bad, some in the grey zone. I guess I just don't wanna feel bland, ya know? But with that being said, again: Just want to redo a few things with these guys. Especially myself. That one story I said I'd write has changed a fair bit over time to where I got something different in mind now. You'll see when the day comes.
...For real, though, let me slow myself down as I've been going a mile a minute here. I seriously intend to work on myself for the next several months while improving my craft. I clearly need to spend more free time seeing what it is I can do for myself rather than indulging in every little thing and then proceeding to burn myself out with my job shortly after. I'm simply a wreck, but one that has seen now that their life can go on if I give myself that push needed to go on. Friends and family can help, but it's up to me if I wanna go far in life or not. And with where my mind was before, it didn't want to go any places except to escape reality. Well, no more escapism for me. This is where I start getting my shit together now while I have the time. I've been so down on myself that I don't drag myself out of the void I've made for myself at this point. It's not gonna be easy, I know that now, but lets see where this all takes me, yeah? I'll still be around online and the such, but probably not as frequently to really get my life together. I hope you all managed to understand me despite how...messy this whole journal came together. My mind hops from one thing to another pretty often, but I'll have to do some research into why that is. I'll sort myself out. It'll be a while, but I will. And I hope you all will be patient with me if you already have been the past couple years. I'll do about whatever it takes for me to get better.
I can kinda feel you on your comment about your mother. I feel similarly about myself. I've always been a shy . . . almost sheltered person so I kinda internally break down a little whenever I have to deal with getting my own food made, and I still feel a tad awkward ordering for myself at restaurants despite having done it for a long time now. Even then when I'm with my parents and we go out to eat I've sometimes just let them order for me. That and a few other housekeeping tasks, I don't even really know how to do. But anyways.
I'll be eager to see whatever comes next for ya. I'll continue to tune in your streams when you have them, and am happy to see whatever revamps to your OCs you put out! Best of luck to ya man.
Well, sort of, I have at least still some time in school in front of me before I have to decide what to do with my life. But yeah, I sort of need an ass kicker too.