May was "supposed" to be Mental Health Awareness Month. Well, guess what? Just a few days ago, I had to quit my job of six years due to accumulated mental health stresses which resulted in bottoming out to the closest I've ever come to suicide. Now, I normally don't like to talk about these sorts of things in public. I tend to keep my private struggles private, for good reason.

The problem when it comes to "mental health," is that most people simply don't get it. Worse, others simply don't give a flippity-floppity fuck. To keep the story short, my work environment was toxic, and it had simply built up over the past six years until we finally had the straw that broke the camel's back. After getting read the riot act by my supervisors over an incident the day before, I went home holding back tears. I then sat down on my futon, wept bitterly over every failure in my life, chugged from a bottle of vodka, imagined every scenario where I could either cut myself or stab myself to death with a knife, possibly even the next day at work.

I called my local mental health therapy office and asked for immediate crisis counseling. I cried as I slurred my words talking to her. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and started Googling "my job makes my suicidal." Deciding that my mental health was more important than staying at this toxic work environment. I called my supervisor's number and told him that I quit. I then informed my pastor and my parents. That second call went horribly, as Dad made me feel worse than I already did. "What were you thinking? What are you going to do about paying your rent and insurance?" Dad shouted angrily. "Don't you think I hadn't already thought about that, God damn it?!" I tearfully replied. Simply put, my dad is one of those people who "don't get it" when it comes to mental health.

So now I'm without a job at the present. I'm seeing what resources the local therapy office has in store. I've set up appointments. I've gone to support groups. I'm trying to get hooked up with a case worker to help me navigate these challenges. Right now, I don't know how the hell to get out of this deep, black pit I'm in. I need to find a new job immediately, one that won't simply resume to put those hellish mental stresses on me. As I've stated here, no job give a fucking shit about your mental health, no matter how many advertisements they place about the workplace. If you go off and kill yourself, no worries, you're always replaceable.

I simply don't know how to get out of this situation. I'm depressed, anxious, and lonely. The only friend in the world I have is Dobby, my cat. If it wasn't for him, I honestly might have killed myself already by this point. I'm sorry to drop this kind of heavy shit on you people. Like I said, this is why I keep my dark thoughts to myself...