I never know how many people will read journals like this,
but I been wanting to talk about this publicly for a while.

Lately I been thinking about both what the purpose of my art will be and my future.
For the longest I been living sporadically off commissions. It's my main source of income after all.

But for years outside of that, I been trying to give a hook for my art, a purpose to it.
. . . and failing at that. I mean how long has it been I've wanted to make comics after all?

In the latter years of my time online I started to slowly give up on the goal only to crawl right back to it.
It's a goal I feel some people in my life that known me for a long time have lost faith in me achieving.

But, I always felt my work aimless and without anything to draw people in.
Hence the need to make comics. To be fair, comics weren't the only thing I was trying to do.

Game Development? Animation? Anything I can do with my art other than provide pretty pictures, and in some ways failing at that. After all, I been known for drawing a lot of "standing around". Something I'm painfully aware of. I been trying to burst out that bubble for the longest, but I often always get stuck on stuff.

Stuck on the "whats" and the "whys" and the "is's". It must be nerve wracking to deal with a person like me who can't just achieve the goals I set in place. I hope that people have patience in me but i never know how far that will go, right?

Often maybe it's pressure I create myself. The performance anxiety I have developed over time.
In any case, I need to do more. Do better. And in many cases, I probably need to do it now and soon rather than later.

I think I have a lot of issues I need to iron out with art. I'm slow for starters. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I often stop in the middle of work than continue because I'll draw an idea I have and suddenly want to change it in the middle of drawing or in general, something distracts me. ADHD is a bitch.

I think in the past, a lot of the reasons i gotten things done or been most creative was when i was around other creative people and that encouragement. But lately, I been alone. Very alone.

I live alone. I'm even alone online. Lately, I just haven't had anyone to really bounce off and talk to about this stuff. I feel like my social life online was alot more . . . frugal than it is now. Is it just me or is it that everyone just found their own things to do and got much more busy and I'm just not keeping up with them.

Who knows. All I know is that I need to do something instead of doing the same things.