As I kept seeing your journals about that sort of thing popping up, it makes me extremely worried about you. :(

I'm okay. after all, I understand that it is an extremely shocking topic for ordinary people, but I try to be courageous and hopeful about it.

Hey I think it's good to be talked about. It's a scary thing and no one knows what to expect. Do what is best for you to live a happy life in the end is what makes life special. As you said we will all be gone someday, some sooner than others but doing things that make you happy and shows you enjoyed life to the very end and you truly didn't let it take you, you'll leave a mark on others that "death" you didn't win but in the end I(you) won:)

I don't think there is much I can say on this topic that will help in any way however I wanted to express my support for you in general, support your right to live and die as you want. It's a choice I can semi understand but not entirely but it is yours to make after all.
Living with painful conditions is hard and at some point I feel the quality of life I live will also go further downhill as my conditions and pain have worsened with adult life, this is just to say I understand a bit of what its like to feel like your body just decays.
A death recently of someone I knew was medically assisted, other family members were against the idea because death is a scary thought for them but it was her choice before her condition worsened more; to go well she was still lucid and for her that was dying with dignity.
I cannot say I wish your dying goes well because I do not wish anyone to die however I do wish that you will achieve what you personally want. Because I do believe you should be able to choose for yourself.

On a small lighter note, you will still be around for art fight this year I assume due to your previous journals? Please participate this year I'd like to make you something. We likely have never interacted past a like and follow however reading your journals has touched me deeply and drawing stuff is very close to my heart so its all I can do personally to express my sincerity.

I wish you the best, whatever that is for you.

Thank you for your message. And I deeply support the decision of the person you mentioned. I am afraid of growing old. One of my biggest fears is that our family and ourselves will grow old and weak, and lose the identity of who we once were. I value memory and want to remember people in good health, and I want to be like that too. I saw a video of wild animals eating other animals. I think it is nature itself to see animals weak, suffering and struggling to die, and then live by eating them. I really wonder, why do we have hope?

I hope things work out for you whatever you choose to do, I personally believe that the only real freedom each of us have is our free will, our ability to choose. Without choice, what are we?

Yes, we don't have many choices. But I remember the movie "The Matrix" saying that the key to life is how to satisfy the "freedom to choose."

This is gonna sound so stupid and I feel silly for saying this, but the quote 'you are who you CHOOSE to be' from the movie The Iron GIant has been like... the load bearing philosophy my entire life x3

I understand your reasonings, but I know others worry and hope you find happiness amongst the darkness. I'm glad that the death with dignity is here to help others have that choice, and if that's what you desire I support your choice, I hope you find peace and comfort in your decision. Thank you for sharing your stories. I'm but a mere stranger but know your works have touched many.
(To others who may see this please know I don't want my words to be taken the wrong way)

thank you for the message.

At my very worst physically, I was unable to walk or eat. I was in constant agony- I could not do activities I enjoyed, and keeping myself alive was a burden instead of being an afterthought. I wanted to live, but the agony of being alive was so strong that I wasn't opposed to dying, either. I learned later that it's called being passively suicidal. Eventually, I got treatment that sort of helped. However, I'm not fixed. I am crippled, and I will be sick until the disease or the complications it causes kill me.

We took my Aunt in, when her cancer came back. It got worse until she died in our home, delirious, in pain, as there was no option to pass on her own terms with dignity. She had to suffer until her body gave out.

I don't pretend to know the agony you live with, but I can sympathize. I know how humiliating it is for your body to betray you and to live with pain. I think, if my State offered assisted suicide. I may have taken the offer. I wasn't given a choice.

I am trying to live the rest of my clipped life doing things I enjoy, until I can't anymore. I hope you do, too.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think she should have suffered so much (I heard my grandmother suffered too). The world is so full of suffering and cruel. But I'm glad you're still willing to do what you like even in this situation.Thank you for sharing this.

While I think that you dying will be a loss for everyone because you are still a wonderful person despite everything that has happened. Dying the way and the time you want will hopefully bring you peace.

I think that in a sense, my death being some kind of loss and me dying the way I wanted to are contradictory. It's a difficult question.

It's not actually too contradictory to 'work to survive to die', many people survive to have happy final years in their lives, death comes for all of us so it's not contradictory to want to make one's final moments peaceful. However on the scarier sense, I've known many examples of suicidal people who before taking their lives, seemed especially happy and at peace, because to them, they were now finally going to 'improve'... But this is something that didn't actually help them, it was not the solution they actually wanted...

I have come to understand that for many, craving for death and suicidal ideation comes from wanting some kind of rest or ease in the hardships we deal with. I deal with a lot of fatigue, pain, and trauma, and my suicidal ideation comes from a lot of need to 'rest' and not knowing any other alternatives. We know what it's like to sleep and it can be soothing, but we don't really know what it's like to die, and so sleep is the best frame of reference we have with it, even if the reality is something much different and more permanent. I cannot speak for you, but maybe that's also something to consider in this want to die.

I understand wanting to die peacefully at your own terms, honestly I myself do believe that people should have the right to be euthanised if they wish for it, but I also believe people should have the right to have long and happy lives regardless of their conditions and circumstances. I am almost 26 and I believe you are older than me and in your 30s, but in the grand scheme of things we are both still young in how long humans in our countries tend to live for. So I do wish until you die at your own terms, you live long and happy, and if not long, still happy, and if not happy, then still have something that made living worth it.

As you say, and as I feel, we desire death because we begin to feel that it is the only relief from suffering, especially if we are suffering all the time we are awake. Death is compared like sleep, and I understand the desire because sleep is considered a relief, but my feelings a bit different. I have memories from when I was two years old, and nothing before that. So, as I understand it, death means that you go back to a state of "not remembering anything". Even if you have amnesia, for example, you are no longer the self you perceive it to be. You are constantly changing, but your identity is usually preserved. Why? I find this really strange.

I am 40 years old. I have started to lose many things, but I am still alive. I may be too young to die, but I don't feel like I can bear the many sufferings that will come my way. Is the total amount of happiness in a lifetime really fixed? I hope that we are as happy as possible.

The topic of keeping one's identity as we go through life and forget many things that once made massive parts of our identity is something that I also wonder and think about. I am not the same person I was even a year ago, but there's many things that do carry over. In truth, memory is a fickle thing, but sometimes memory can exist in more places than your mind, like feeling tense when you go somewhere that had bad things happen to you once, or feeling relaxed or wistful when you drink tea that used to be your favourite. I think a lot to folklores and fairytales where the main character goes on a strange and fantastical adventure, but afterwards do not remember it, yet still keep some of the knowledge from the experiences. I find memory works similarly. The memory exists longer in the body.

To give my own experience from that, I do not remember a lot of my childhood due to traumatic experiences then, I was very dissociative, but still there's many things from my childhood that carry on over more than I realise. On the sad examples, I cannot go near old places even if I don't remember what happened to me in them, because even if my mind doesn't remember, my body does, and my body feels tense and I may cry in fear and panic. On a more positive side, as a child I adored trains, dinosaurs, and planes, now it's hard to find that same 'flame' again, but when I look at those subjects, I am reminded of some form of childhood joy I once had with them even if I have little memory, it's very melancholic, but now as a adult, the reasons why I may like those subjects may be completely different from my reasons as a child. Things are same, but different.

Being too young to die but unable to bear the future sufferings is something I'm really familiar with. In truth, I don't really have answers or comfort for it, because I know I'm not going to take it well when my older family eventually dies for example, I know the grief will be crushing and my want to die will also be very great... But I don't think the amount of happiness in a lifetime is 'fixed' because we don't always know what will happen in the future, living is very chaotic and things can happen for no reason, that includes pain, but also includes joy, someone can be cruel to me out of nowhere and someone can offer to let me pet their fluffy dog by chance of encountering them (this happened once and it's so small but I still think about it). Sometimes with pain we can also learn how to manage greater pains in the future. The future deaths of my family I know will hurt, but I have experienced the grief before, so maybe I can at least manage it better in some ways than before. Still it's only speculation, but in some ways feeling the future sufferings will be unbearable is also a speculation because the future is always shrouded in chaos, so... maybe we can try to focus on preparing ourselves and find happiness in small places...? I don't really know, we can only do our best in this chaotic world we live in and look forward to happier moments and try to find them ourselves, I feel.

Sorry if I ended up writing a lot more than needed, your words on this subject really touch me and make me think a lot, hopefully what i write at least gives a interesting read. I too hope we are as happy as possible, and I hope you can find joy in more places.

i've been following you for some time and love your art, i'm from US but kemono style is my favorite! just 4 weeks ago you were talking about trying a new drawing app. 3 months ago you were talking about being happy about receiving many comments and commissions and seemed to be feeling better than currently.

i only say these things, because i have chronic depression, and go through points where i feel happy about things, and then suddenly and sometimes for no reason, fall deep down, like i'm falling down the deepest, darkest hole and who knows when the fall will stop. sometimes in these moments i have idealized suicide like yourself. i isolate myself from all my friends and stop replying to their messages.

i understand being so tired every single day and feeling stuck like you can't move, you can even open up your drawing app like you want to draw but the "darkness" will make you close it out. it would mean a lot to me if you could reach out to your friends in this time, please try to pull yourself out of this darkness. yes life is so hard, everyday, but you can make peace for yourself. you can find beauty and happiness.

as i say this, i'm in a similar spot as you, poor mental health and with physical health issues, wondering what's the point of things. but i see your pain and i feel like it's my own, and i hope for both of us that we can find the strength to not give into suffering.

and at the end of the day, if peace to you means putting yourself to rest, i respect that decision and you have the right to make it. but i hope part of you considers my message. your life is so special and worth living, you are one of a kind. i'll be thinking about you, take care <3

Thank you for your comment. I feel like my emotions have been like a roller coaster these past few months. And I feel like I have no responsibilities because I finished all my commissions and have no new requests.

Many people who are suffering, including you, gather here and encourage each other. I was worried about whether to write this on FA, but I think it visualized how many people are actually suffering from the same problem.

I will fight to live and to die. But I don't know when my heart will break. You never know what will happen in life. thank you again.

yes, there is truly suffering everywhere in life, making things very difficult. you're right about that. nothing i can say can take that suffering away. we fight like animals for those brief moments of happiness and beauty, and in the end we all fight to live and die.

i'm like you, i know the darkness always comes back eventually. we do our best to push through to the other side and find light again. when you feel it, grab onto it tight and don't let go. we can fight this together, and wake up to a new day.

i'm so happy you read my message <3

(( for your commission work, give bluesky a try, there are lots of popular creators doing commissions over here: https://bsky.app/
i post on every platform to get the most work possible. deviantart, twitter, bluesky, instagram, tumblr. it's a lot of work but keeps me busy ))

I've been thinking on this for a few days now, and not sure if I should speak at all, but...

I have someone close in my life with a disease known at Huntington's. Eventually, it will degrade his quality of life so much that he will not be able to live without some extreme assistance. He made the decision to go through with assisted suicide before it reaches that point, because he wants to die while he can still function even somewhat normally. So while it's a different situation, I can understand wanting to take your own death on your own terms.

I know we weren't close, but I will say that if you go through with it, your absence will be felt. I'm not saying this to dissuade you, just saying it to maybe give you the assurance that you did have an impact on peoples lives, and you won't be easily forgotten.

I don't have much else I can say past that. Whatever happens, I genuinely wish you well.

Thank you for telling me that. In reality, if it is a physical illness and there is unbearable pain, it is even easier to understand. I have heard that some Japanese physically disabled people and terminal cancer patients have gone to Switzerland to do that. I have a mental illness, but I think it is the same in the feeling that "it is painful to live." Even if each person's feelings are different.

I am Japanese, but what surprises me is that many people here tell me "I respect your choice" and "You have influenced people." Even if it is a general phrase, it makes me feel that the idea that people have the right to be needed, influenced, and loved is rooted in the West.