FA+
Shop
So life update and why I have not posted art for a long time
3 months ago
- Some people think that 'toasting' a marshmallow means to give it a little light browning. If your 'mallow does not briefly become a BLAZING BEACON OF JUSTICE, then it is not done. -
So have not drawn in a while because my mother effectively had me feeling trapped , emotionally and mentally abused and in a general spiral of self doubt and destruction. This has been going on since about I was 18 so a good 20 years of my life. I would get tired of what she was doing , escape to a friends but then she would act nice , act changed and pull me back in. Growing up I assumed she was helping me. When younger I was never good with money so she always controlled it and never saw she was using me to pay all the bills and then do what she wanted with her own money. As I got older she began to do things like demand I be a man , That I will never amount to anything , I am trash , a bastard , worthless , Not worth being called human. I got to where I just could not say no. If I tried she would go on about how dare I even say we should split the bills , it was my fault when I lost a job (some yes others she would call and make trouble , take away her vehicles or call police and say I stole the vehicle.) jobs did not want to deal with that stuff and they should not have to.
Fast forward to when she got disability they deemed she could not handle her money I was her payee and her money was used to cover 50 percent of the house bills , her own food , her needless spending on amazon and walmart and her almost daily stints of eating fast food. Needless to say she would burn through her money. When she found out I was having her split the bills and that her money was going to her own needs she told disability I stole it having me pulled as payee , turned the family on me and began treating me even worse. Fast forward a bit more I was in a deep depression , walking on eggshells and no longer knew who I was and felt I could not be myself or say anything otherwise she would go into a rage , threaten me and then say more things to the family. I left but came back cause I was afraid she was going to kill my cat who I could not take with me.
Coming back made it worse. She became more abusive it got to the point I would only want to be awake when she was asleep. If I was drawing or trying to play a game to ease my mind the minute she heard me moving around the abuse started again and I would just shut down and go to bed. During all this she lost her ability to walk as she would just stay on the couch 24/7 and not go to a physical therapist or do anything to help herself. When I spoke to her about bringing in a home health aide to help me with her she would deflect and tell me I am her son that I am better then a aide and it is my duty to take care of her as she did me. She had me believing this until she started getting deeper into emotional blackmail , tearing me down and I felt horrible.
I felt trapped , useless , less then a man , angry , had constant anxiety and panic attacks , her doctors and no one would see what she was doing. She would refuse to go to the doctors when sick with a UTI because she refused to bathe at all. She wanted to eat stuff to spike her blood sugar. She would start yelling at me every couple hours. I honestly hit a bad place and felt that I was going to probably have a heart attack over this. My beard and hair started going white from stress. I became so dragged down I could not handle outside stressors properly.
To top all of this off I am also autistic and she knew I was sensitive to loud noises and would yell at me on purpose. I honestly felt like I was in a train wreck.
But it got worse she began to treat me like I was a 10 year old. Police would come to the house when I called an ambulance from her constant falls and tell me look you wont get charged for leaving your not her poa you need to get out of this situation but still I was afraid to leave.
Finally I broke I could not take it and felt like I needed to go to a mental hospital. Police talked to me for an hour and I told them everything. Older policeman told me look your being mentally and emotionally abused you need to leave do you have somewhere to go. I told them maybe my friends. They came inside and had me grab some stuff , was just grabbing my clothes and police officer unhooked my console and laptop and said your not leaving stuff she can sell or use to upset you. Left with them and friend has been highly supportive. I am seeing a therapist to just deal with everything and well...just heal.
I am rediscovering who I really am. I laughed for real for the first time in years watching a old 90s comedy. Playing a game or retro game feels like im playing it for the first time. I am losing weight and sleeping normally. I am hoping to get back into drawing as part of the healing process it's something I loved since I was 4 years old and it's something I wish I never stopped over my situation. It's a long road but I am currently being treated for trauma and mental and emotional abuse via weekly sessions and there nice enough to just talk to me if I feel I need to talk outside of the session and schedule me extra appointments. Even now my mom is trying to hook me back in but have been setting boundaries and just staying away thanks to a support group I now have and just anytime she calls my friend to make demands of me I just say I am an adult and it is not my responsibility to do everything for you.
I have been active in staying in touch with the hospital she is currently at being treated for her own mental issues and told them essentially she is not making adult choices , she is self destructive and she needs help. Since I left she has refused to pay her rent and as I told her I love you and wish you the best but I can not do for you anymore financially. Her doctor even agreed for my own sake I need to let what ever happens happens as she needs to be willing to change and take responsibility for her own actions.
Bit of a vent but thanks to anyone who reads this. Again I hope to draw soon I have a digital tablet coming to my friends and plan to practice on it and start trying to post what I can until I get to a point I can be more regular.
Fast forward to when she got disability they deemed she could not handle her money I was her payee and her money was used to cover 50 percent of the house bills , her own food , her needless spending on amazon and walmart and her almost daily stints of eating fast food. Needless to say she would burn through her money. When she found out I was having her split the bills and that her money was going to her own needs she told disability I stole it having me pulled as payee , turned the family on me and began treating me even worse. Fast forward a bit more I was in a deep depression , walking on eggshells and no longer knew who I was and felt I could not be myself or say anything otherwise she would go into a rage , threaten me and then say more things to the family. I left but came back cause I was afraid she was going to kill my cat who I could not take with me.
Coming back made it worse. She became more abusive it got to the point I would only want to be awake when she was asleep. If I was drawing or trying to play a game to ease my mind the minute she heard me moving around the abuse started again and I would just shut down and go to bed. During all this she lost her ability to walk as she would just stay on the couch 24/7 and not go to a physical therapist or do anything to help herself. When I spoke to her about bringing in a home health aide to help me with her she would deflect and tell me I am her son that I am better then a aide and it is my duty to take care of her as she did me. She had me believing this until she started getting deeper into emotional blackmail , tearing me down and I felt horrible.
I felt trapped , useless , less then a man , angry , had constant anxiety and panic attacks , her doctors and no one would see what she was doing. She would refuse to go to the doctors when sick with a UTI because she refused to bathe at all. She wanted to eat stuff to spike her blood sugar. She would start yelling at me every couple hours. I honestly hit a bad place and felt that I was going to probably have a heart attack over this. My beard and hair started going white from stress. I became so dragged down I could not handle outside stressors properly.
To top all of this off I am also autistic and she knew I was sensitive to loud noises and would yell at me on purpose. I honestly felt like I was in a train wreck.
But it got worse she began to treat me like I was a 10 year old. Police would come to the house when I called an ambulance from her constant falls and tell me look you wont get charged for leaving your not her poa you need to get out of this situation but still I was afraid to leave.
Finally I broke I could not take it and felt like I needed to go to a mental hospital. Police talked to me for an hour and I told them everything. Older policeman told me look your being mentally and emotionally abused you need to leave do you have somewhere to go. I told them maybe my friends. They came inside and had me grab some stuff , was just grabbing my clothes and police officer unhooked my console and laptop and said your not leaving stuff she can sell or use to upset you. Left with them and friend has been highly supportive. I am seeing a therapist to just deal with everything and well...just heal.
I am rediscovering who I really am. I laughed for real for the first time in years watching a old 90s comedy. Playing a game or retro game feels like im playing it for the first time. I am losing weight and sleeping normally. I am hoping to get back into drawing as part of the healing process it's something I loved since I was 4 years old and it's something I wish I never stopped over my situation. It's a long road but I am currently being treated for trauma and mental and emotional abuse via weekly sessions and there nice enough to just talk to me if I feel I need to talk outside of the session and schedule me extra appointments. Even now my mom is trying to hook me back in but have been setting boundaries and just staying away thanks to a support group I now have and just anytime she calls my friend to make demands of me I just say I am an adult and it is not my responsibility to do everything for you.
I have been active in staying in touch with the hospital she is currently at being treated for her own mental issues and told them essentially she is not making adult choices , she is self destructive and she needs help. Since I left she has refused to pay her rent and as I told her I love you and wish you the best but I can not do for you anymore financially. Her doctor even agreed for my own sake I need to let what ever happens happens as she needs to be willing to change and take responsibility for her own actions.
Bit of a vent but thanks to anyone who reads this. Again I hope to draw soon I have a digital tablet coming to my friends and plan to practice on it and start trying to post what I can until I get to a point I can be more regular.
