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Musings of a down dork trying to find himself....
4 months ago
Posting here as I have too much to say for bsky. Comments and feedback greatly appreciated~ <3
Days continue to move on by in a blur. A slow, plodding, inexorable march into an uncertain future that at the same time feels too fast to grasp and hold on to. I'm sure the state of the world has a lot to do with the malaise I'm feeling, but at the same time this disquiet has been growing for a while, and I think it's starting to reach a head. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Sure it's a 'first world problem' and one that affects only me, but suffering is still suffering even if it's a fraction of what others are feeling. Perhaps by venting and talking to my piers I can even make some sense of it; or at the very least, get some feedback.
I mentioned on bsky that my 'sonas are comfortable masks that I wear to present to the world. Yet they still feel like me. They still *are* me. Or, at least they were. I'm not sure what I feel anymore. There has been an image in my mind that, were I skilled with art, I would render to express myself. Alas, I have only text so my words will have to suffice. I feel I need to share this.
The image is a black void; on the ground, pools of full bright colour and patterns that look like the melted remains of my 'sonas swirl around a dark figure. My sona's have melted and are distorting and fading. Where each 'sona's head should be, there is a smiling mask of that 'sona; a hollow effigy of the character. The dark figure is without definite shape, blurred and distorted but in the vague shape of an overweight human. It is hunched over on it's hands and knees in the center of the pool of colour, grasping the mask of Aysel as it starts to melt. Bright tears fall from it's hidden face into the mask.
I have always looked at my 'sonas and said "That's me!"; they've always felt like me, like the true me. What I should be, could be, wish to be. Now they all seem like hollow masks. I am the big ugly shadow creature; lurking in the void, hiding from myself and others because I can not choose a face that both represents what/how I feel. I've been trying to relate and reconnect with my 'sonas but it... isn't working too well. It keeps feeling like I'm trying to relive the past or am forcing something/someone that isn't me.
Again, I mentioned on bsky that I think Lunar is a bit too bubbly for me all the time. Yes I get like that often; I love to make people happy and make them smile, and I can be very energetic in the right circumstances, but it's... not the complete picture. So, perhaps I should make him less bubbly? It... isn't working. The bubbly smiling character seems almost like a mockery of/from better times. He's a perfected cartoonish effigy of myself in a good mood and what I'd want to be.
nanoLunar then? He was always meant to be the best me there could be. He's an autistic person's dream; a body under complete control with no excess sensory stimuli unburdened by the pain and indignities of an organic body. Something I DESPERATELY want even if I know it can't be achieved. If I get to heaven, my body will be nanoLunar. A wonderful fantasy, but one that can be hard to relate to when times are rough. More a character to look up to and aspire to be rather than actually me. Still, what I'd want to be.
Now I move onto Aysel. She's most like me in many ways, but she's still idealized in a few ways. But most of all, I think one of the larger things standing in the way of relating to her is her gender. I'm comfortable being male. Not to mention she is alien and was designed to be strange and different. Granted I *feel* like an alien IRL but... not exactly in the same way. If I adjusted her background I could make her even closer, but that just... doesn't feel right. I love what I've created in the zanthierian species and am not ready to unseat them from their lofty position in my head. They are what an intelligent space fairing race should be. What I feel the human race could be. Maybe.
Noticing the pattern here? Could be, should be, would be, BAH! My whole universe is a collection of could be should be. A lofty idealized fantasy realm where there is little conflict and everything is stable. Everything in order. Everything in line. No seedy places or back ally deals. No corruption or 'bad guys' left. It's nice, peaceful, and... unrealistic. I'm loosing touch with it. Relatable tropes where bad things happen and are overcome simply don't exist there because I made it so. It's a simple clean world to escape to. I... think this may need to change. I've been toying with this for a while now. Utopia is unrealistic. Not everything has to be bad, but it's the bad times that define the good times.
I'm feeling down right now, and not in a way that can be eased with thinking of happy characters in idyllic settings. My canon, my universe, my 'sonas need an injection of reality to remain real to me. To remain relatable. Happiness through others and community rather than idyllic settings. Uhg, my head it getting heavy. I think it's time to turn off for a while.
So to any frens reading this wondering what's going on... I'm not 100% sure yet. I feel like I need to implement a change but at the same time I don't *want* to change. In the past I've used 'sona disassociation to redesign my 'sonas, but I'm not 100% sure that's the answer this time. I still don't know what or who I feel like; I'm still the distorted shadow. Should I give Lunar a minor redesign? A new outfit? A more aged look? Perhaps. Or do I say fukkit and pull a new face from the ether to better fit my aged self? Maybe. But will it stick? Or is it just a patch? There are ideas but none feel just right yet. Right now I think the most likely thing will end up being a refinement of nanoLunar. Perhaps making him just Lunar. Stripping his more obscene powers and bringing him down to earth as a more relatable 'sona with just a few extra powers/abilities to still offer that sense of escape, but not too much where he becomes the perfect entity. Near future not far future technologically speaking. I really should get myself to snooze tho. Got work tomorrow. Bleh. We'll see how that goes. Sleep well everyone~ <3
Days continue to move on by in a blur. A slow, plodding, inexorable march into an uncertain future that at the same time feels too fast to grasp and hold on to. I'm sure the state of the world has a lot to do with the malaise I'm feeling, but at the same time this disquiet has been growing for a while, and I think it's starting to reach a head. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Sure it's a 'first world problem' and one that affects only me, but suffering is still suffering even if it's a fraction of what others are feeling. Perhaps by venting and talking to my piers I can even make some sense of it; or at the very least, get some feedback.
I mentioned on bsky that my 'sonas are comfortable masks that I wear to present to the world. Yet they still feel like me. They still *are* me. Or, at least they were. I'm not sure what I feel anymore. There has been an image in my mind that, were I skilled with art, I would render to express myself. Alas, I have only text so my words will have to suffice. I feel I need to share this.
The image is a black void; on the ground, pools of full bright colour and patterns that look like the melted remains of my 'sonas swirl around a dark figure. My sona's have melted and are distorting and fading. Where each 'sona's head should be, there is a smiling mask of that 'sona; a hollow effigy of the character. The dark figure is without definite shape, blurred and distorted but in the vague shape of an overweight human. It is hunched over on it's hands and knees in the center of the pool of colour, grasping the mask of Aysel as it starts to melt. Bright tears fall from it's hidden face into the mask.
I have always looked at my 'sonas and said "That's me!"; they've always felt like me, like the true me. What I should be, could be, wish to be. Now they all seem like hollow masks. I am the big ugly shadow creature; lurking in the void, hiding from myself and others because I can not choose a face that both represents what/how I feel. I've been trying to relate and reconnect with my 'sonas but it... isn't working too well. It keeps feeling like I'm trying to relive the past or am forcing something/someone that isn't me.
Again, I mentioned on bsky that I think Lunar is a bit too bubbly for me all the time. Yes I get like that often; I love to make people happy and make them smile, and I can be very energetic in the right circumstances, but it's... not the complete picture. So, perhaps I should make him less bubbly? It... isn't working. The bubbly smiling character seems almost like a mockery of/from better times. He's a perfected cartoonish effigy of myself in a good mood and what I'd want to be.
nanoLunar then? He was always meant to be the best me there could be. He's an autistic person's dream; a body under complete control with no excess sensory stimuli unburdened by the pain and indignities of an organic body. Something I DESPERATELY want even if I know it can't be achieved. If I get to heaven, my body will be nanoLunar. A wonderful fantasy, but one that can be hard to relate to when times are rough. More a character to look up to and aspire to be rather than actually me. Still, what I'd want to be.
Now I move onto Aysel. She's most like me in many ways, but she's still idealized in a few ways. But most of all, I think one of the larger things standing in the way of relating to her is her gender. I'm comfortable being male. Not to mention she is alien and was designed to be strange and different. Granted I *feel* like an alien IRL but... not exactly in the same way. If I adjusted her background I could make her even closer, but that just... doesn't feel right. I love what I've created in the zanthierian species and am not ready to unseat them from their lofty position in my head. They are what an intelligent space fairing race should be. What I feel the human race could be. Maybe.
Noticing the pattern here? Could be, should be, would be, BAH! My whole universe is a collection of could be should be. A lofty idealized fantasy realm where there is little conflict and everything is stable. Everything in order. Everything in line. No seedy places or back ally deals. No corruption or 'bad guys' left. It's nice, peaceful, and... unrealistic. I'm loosing touch with it. Relatable tropes where bad things happen and are overcome simply don't exist there because I made it so. It's a simple clean world to escape to. I... think this may need to change. I've been toying with this for a while now. Utopia is unrealistic. Not everything has to be bad, but it's the bad times that define the good times.
I'm feeling down right now, and not in a way that can be eased with thinking of happy characters in idyllic settings. My canon, my universe, my 'sonas need an injection of reality to remain real to me. To remain relatable. Happiness through others and community rather than idyllic settings. Uhg, my head it getting heavy. I think it's time to turn off for a while.
So to any frens reading this wondering what's going on... I'm not 100% sure yet. I feel like I need to implement a change but at the same time I don't *want* to change. In the past I've used 'sona disassociation to redesign my 'sonas, but I'm not 100% sure that's the answer this time. I still don't know what or who I feel like; I'm still the distorted shadow. Should I give Lunar a minor redesign? A new outfit? A more aged look? Perhaps. Or do I say fukkit and pull a new face from the ether to better fit my aged self? Maybe. But will it stick? Or is it just a patch? There are ideas but none feel just right yet. Right now I think the most likely thing will end up being a refinement of nanoLunar. Perhaps making him just Lunar. Stripping his more obscene powers and bringing him down to earth as a more relatable 'sona with just a few extra powers/abilities to still offer that sense of escape, but not too much where he becomes the perfect entity. Near future not far future technologically speaking. I really should get myself to snooze tho. Got work tomorrow. Bleh. We'll see how that goes. Sleep well everyone~ <3
So I made a sort of mindset that he is more his own character with some opposites of myself but having some good chunks of myself in there. I suppose some qualities are idealized versions of myself. Things I wish I could be. But others that are opposite of me.
Examples are that he likes to travel, I don't.
He thrives in hot temps and hates the cold, I am the opposite irl.
And yes the abilities for that sci-fi flare but it is an amalgam of all the sci-fi stuff I like.
But in making him not me, He is a mask I wear here to not be "Me" for a while. How long that will be, I dunno. Life may one day change that.
The key point is to think about who our fursona is to us, and what we want out of them. What we want them to represent the most. I think it might be a good idea to sit down and be wholly honest with yourself; not who you want to present as online, but who YOU feel best represents you, but in a way that's both honest AND ideal. There is no shame in having a sona that represents better parts of you, or even unrealistic parts of you that you wish were magical.
Take Zodori for example, for me; Despite trying multiple times to make a more irl-based sona stick, nothing ever did but Zodori never wavered. And she's magical, unrealistic, a little goblin but also sometimes she can be cool and flashy; and yet she's still everything that I, the person behind the screen, am.
But that's because that's apparently what I wanted out of a sona, but I never went looking for that; it just kind of... found me. It just kind of happened naturally, and I didn't fight it.
And I am not you, nor do; but i emphasize heavily with the things you say and how you're being affected by this because I've definitely felt this before.
Humans are constantly changing because we have to adapt to the ever changing world around us. Perfection, utopia, a lack of conflict, strips away everything that makes us who we are. To be existential for just a moment, if you had perfection forever, you'd be awful bored eventually. Life wouldnt have meaning without death to make it mean something, as an extreme way to put it. This very thing helps us to connect to one another, and to connect with ourselves, to find out who WE are as individuals.
The mask imagery struck me hard. I could envision it so clearly in my head. And, I felt it. Your agony, your frustration, your sorrow, at having these masks at all and being unable to really construct a self through any of them despite your love for who they are. You're looking for something that fits *you.* The real you, but not to an exact. Just someone you can connect and relate to a lot more.
Idk if this has turned into wordslop, if this is anything, if this makes sense at all, but... whatever you decide to be, or present as, I'll always be by your side every step of the way. I love you bud, no matter who you are, or who you want to be, or what you end up being.
We're all in this together, but we don't have to let the world jade us into changing into something we don't want to be. We can still find good in this world, magic, and whimsical things to hold onto. Think of it less as idealism, and more like optimism. That very act of defiance is something I connect to personally; the utter "thrive out of spite" and "you can take my whimsy from my cold dead fucking hands" is something I channel into every sona I've ever had and I'll continue to do so.
TLDR.... do some soul searching. Ask yourself what you want out of your sona, what you want your fursona to represent, and see what needs changing. See what would give you that peace of mind. And, if you ever want to spitball ideas at me, just to help get it out and muse about it, my dms are always open to ya. But if its something you feel you need to do in private, I'll be waiting outside the door to hug whoever comes out the other side!
Identity things can be a nightmare, but I have faith that you'll find the right face someday.
Not a mask, but a face.
I actually had the same issue for a long time, and that combined with my breakup in 2023 kept me from getting any art of my 'sona for the better part of two years. But when I started my healing journey in Sept 2024, one of the first things I did was to rethink my 'sona, and I got him to a place where I'm much happier and more comfortable with him.
My Lysergia is my face; yes, he likes to make others happy, but he does have down days and bad things can happen to him. He has my depression and my anxiety, as well as my past of abuse and trauma. He works through his issues as best as he can like I do, but sometimes there isn't an easy answer to the problems he has. He laughs, cries, and disassociates like I do. He's bulky and has a belly like me IRL. He can't walk or exert himself terribly much or for too long. He deals with the exhaustion and chronic fatigue I have. And all of that is okay.
He -is- me.
My other characters are all representative of different aspects of my personality, and they are all idealized in their own ways - Bandit is extremely intelligent; Radar is strong and powerful; Smoky is flirtatious; etc. But they all do have their own flaws and less idealized traits as well - Bandit is often overconfident and stubborn, and he has bipolar; Radar is very emotionally driven, impatient, and often acts without thinking; Smoky is very impulsive and falls for her intrusive thoughts, etc. So while they all are essentially idealized versions of different parts of me, they retain a sense of grounding to keep them relatable to me and to anyone else - Basically, what you were discussing while musing. I don't often feel a need to talk about their less-than-ideal sides, so I generally don't portray that side of them, but all of my cast have them.
I sincerely hope you'll be able to bring Lunar to a place where you feel more like you can relate with him. Perhaps the same for your others as well. Wishing you all the best and sending all my love.
Be safe, take care, and stay awesome.
I can tell your other close friends would no doubt agree - We're here to help you through your journey, no matter what it takes or where it leads.
(And as a sidenote, I am truly happy you have their support as well. If they read this, they should know I'm sending them my appreciation - I'm happy you all have one another. <3)
Love you lots, you doofy fox. <3