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Mix of things.
4 months ago
Feeling sort of recovered from my depression but it comes and goes all the time and I feel as if I have little to no control over it but I do want to make a post about a few things.
So I've recently been split between a few projects and it's making everything take forever. For one I want to finish up the last comms I accepted back in November just to get them off my plate and apologize for lowering my prices like that in a fit of bad depression and desperation. It was unprofessional of me to allow my emotions to torture myself and others in such a way.
As for the other projects:
- One of my goal is to try and find some sort of a Software Dev/Engineer job soon. My last position was terminated due to cut backs and layoffs in QA. I know QA is mocked as "Not a real job" by a few software devs and engineers, but I was hoping it'd be a good foot in the door for me. (Ranty BS : It also doesn't help me emotionally when I read stuff on reddit from recruiters about how you need a project of "Something that hasn't been done or solved before" to get a junior/intern position. Kind of depresses me when I think back years ago when people talked about doing a simple FizzBuzz problem and reciting the the OOP principles or saying stuff about OOD would get you hired and now you need like a portfolio of projects that are really impressive. Even saw people talking about how building a react app nor a spring app isn't even good enough cause it needs to be something really new and out there. To show off your creativity and ability to think up interesting solutions. It also feels like they're laying people off and then also calling them 'mediocre' after taking away their livelihoods. A huge amount of the whole tech and engineering industry makes me sad.)
- I have been working on a LoZ fangame. Mostly just trying to recreate mechanics in the Game Maker engine and other things from the games as a means of studying them to make my own adventure game at some point. Unfortunately, I feel like my codebase is so bad and such a mess though. I fear if I set the git repo to public and shared I'd be hanged for a crimes against good coding practices that I was just not aware of. (I tried optimizing with the best ideas that came to mind at the time of making things.) That being said I think the best method for me to show this game off might be doing something I see Mark Kurko doing and that's just playing through a level in a spoiler way to show it off but also let people who may not play it get a look at it. And eventually after the dungeons are in a good alpha state, just release a demo/alpha build.
- I want to make my own indie games and comics some point soon but I fear not having enough money to afford the luxury of getting to play with my imagination and make things for myself and friends. Money is. . . Always a problem with me. I fear not having enough as well as my depression telling me I'm not enough to be worthy of it too. It's an uphill battle and the less I think about money the better I feel but it's always in the back of my head like an evil little worm eating my brain and making me feel bad. Like some of my ideas include :
/t> An adventure game similar to ALttP with 5 main story dungeons, and then 5 optional dungeons to get upgrades from and like 8 items to play with in exploring the world map.
/t> A small porno game where a lazy farmhand offers you pinups for doing their chores and after you do all of the chores you get a sex minigame. (Maybe I am over thinking but the defeat an enemy to have sex with them some porn games go for always rubs me wrong)
/t> A comic about two of my OC's in a bad situationship but also gay sex. Essentially slice of life porn mixed with drama.
/t> I think it would be fun to try and make a Quest 64 like RPG at some point in Godot or Unreal. Just reading the stories of that game's troubled development and rushed release makes me feel like something good could probably be made by exploring the gameplay mechanics and ideas more.
/t> With how prevalent AI is, streaming is a thing I have considered trying to re-ensure that I don't use it for anything but also kind of don't know. I have seen streaming create ego monsters out of people and I don't want that. Personally I fear having an ego, cause then you stop growing and improving. You just act like you got everything figured out and are unwilling to learn.
- On a personal project : I am trying to fix my dad's house for him. I know it's an uphill battle and I dislike living there but it's cheap and I'd rather see it in a better than this. The place feels somehow like a welcoming ghost house. Haunted but not evil. Just full of memories and pains and bad thoughts I don't want returning to me. I feel haunted but also comfortable in the suffering and fear? Like a known discomfort or pain that you've grown accustom to over time.
- I want to re-opening comms again soon. I still have one left from my depression out burst in November where I lowered my prices really low. But after that I feel more confident now and that I should charge a more reasonable price for my efforts and labor. So anticipate it starting more around 140 to 160 USD when I eventually do open.
So I've recently been split between a few projects and it's making everything take forever. For one I want to finish up the last comms I accepted back in November just to get them off my plate and apologize for lowering my prices like that in a fit of bad depression and desperation. It was unprofessional of me to allow my emotions to torture myself and others in such a way.
As for the other projects:
- One of my goal is to try and find some sort of a Software Dev/Engineer job soon. My last position was terminated due to cut backs and layoffs in QA. I know QA is mocked as "Not a real job" by a few software devs and engineers, but I was hoping it'd be a good foot in the door for me. (Ranty BS : It also doesn't help me emotionally when I read stuff on reddit from recruiters about how you need a project of "Something that hasn't been done or solved before" to get a junior/intern position. Kind of depresses me when I think back years ago when people talked about doing a simple FizzBuzz problem and reciting the the OOP principles or saying stuff about OOD would get you hired and now you need like a portfolio of projects that are really impressive. Even saw people talking about how building a react app nor a spring app isn't even good enough cause it needs to be something really new and out there. To show off your creativity and ability to think up interesting solutions. It also feels like they're laying people off and then also calling them 'mediocre' after taking away their livelihoods. A huge amount of the whole tech and engineering industry makes me sad.)
- I have been working on a LoZ fangame. Mostly just trying to recreate mechanics in the Game Maker engine and other things from the games as a means of studying them to make my own adventure game at some point. Unfortunately, I feel like my codebase is so bad and such a mess though. I fear if I set the git repo to public and shared I'd be hanged for a crimes against good coding practices that I was just not aware of. (I tried optimizing with the best ideas that came to mind at the time of making things.) That being said I think the best method for me to show this game off might be doing something I see Mark Kurko doing and that's just playing through a level in a spoiler way to show it off but also let people who may not play it get a look at it. And eventually after the dungeons are in a good alpha state, just release a demo/alpha build.
- I want to make my own indie games and comics some point soon but I fear not having enough money to afford the luxury of getting to play with my imagination and make things for myself and friends. Money is. . . Always a problem with me. I fear not having enough as well as my depression telling me I'm not enough to be worthy of it too. It's an uphill battle and the less I think about money the better I feel but it's always in the back of my head like an evil little worm eating my brain and making me feel bad. Like some of my ideas include :
/t> An adventure game similar to ALttP with 5 main story dungeons, and then 5 optional dungeons to get upgrades from and like 8 items to play with in exploring the world map.
/t> A small porno game where a lazy farmhand offers you pinups for doing their chores and after you do all of the chores you get a sex minigame. (Maybe I am over thinking but the defeat an enemy to have sex with them some porn games go for always rubs me wrong)
/t> A comic about two of my OC's in a bad situationship but also gay sex. Essentially slice of life porn mixed with drama.
/t> I think it would be fun to try and make a Quest 64 like RPG at some point in Godot or Unreal. Just reading the stories of that game's troubled development and rushed release makes me feel like something good could probably be made by exploring the gameplay mechanics and ideas more.
/t> With how prevalent AI is, streaming is a thing I have considered trying to re-ensure that I don't use it for anything but also kind of don't know. I have seen streaming create ego monsters out of people and I don't want that. Personally I fear having an ego, cause then you stop growing and improving. You just act like you got everything figured out and are unwilling to learn.
- On a personal project : I am trying to fix my dad's house for him. I know it's an uphill battle and I dislike living there but it's cheap and I'd rather see it in a better than this. The place feels somehow like a welcoming ghost house. Haunted but not evil. Just full of memories and pains and bad thoughts I don't want returning to me. I feel haunted but also comfortable in the suffering and fear? Like a known discomfort or pain that you've grown accustom to over time.
- I want to re-opening comms again soon. I still have one left from my depression out burst in November where I lowered my prices really low. But after that I feel more confident now and that I should charge a more reasonable price for my efforts and labor. So anticipate it starting more around 140 to 160 USD when I eventually do open.
I also more or less blame AI significantly more than I do other devs and business leaders' Dunning Kruger / "I know what's best" attitude from them that bothers me. Also there was major over hiring during 2020 in the covid out break. Other devs don't bother me, hell I enjoy other devs a lot of the time when sharing projects. The exception is the inflated ego devs I end up meeting from time to time. People who act solely to have others look up to them.
I'm not good at wording things. Sorry. More angry at the higher ups and their desire to suck off AI and get rid of the workers than anything else.
BTW, some of the best developers I worked with were those constantly questioning their own code, thinking it was bad. Also, the ones that improved the most.
That being said, looking forward to your projects and games.
BTW, private projects are a good reference too. At least as far as I’m concerned and did interviews, if you develop even in your spare time and have some good stuff going, that is a huge bonus.