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[Pearsonal] How to find a chosen family?
4 months ago
If you follow my Telegram channel, you probably know I was on a hard spot during Sunday/Monday.
I had to deal with some sudden heavy issues at the same time, and that exposed how my current support system is currently way beyond my needs; I could not do all I needed to, because I didn't have enough help to delegate in an emergency. I also realized how little is the contact I have with most of my family, and I even had some misunderstandings with some of my few IRL friends that made me feel very down...
At least some people talked to me extensively these days and shared some experiences that helped me to cope; I'm VERY grateful for them.
And also, my customers were the most understanding in the world! I can say I was lucky that I was fired from dayjob a year and a half ago, because in this year and a half you were supportive and kind in ways most people there weren't in 10+ years.
So, conclusion and TL; DR: How do you rebuild your life/support system like that? How do you rebuild your resilience and self-esteem? Is it possible to find a "chosen family" when you spent your life trying to fit, you failed, and now you are starting again being almost 40 yo?
I don't ask for pity or anything else. I'm typing this in a calm state of mind. It's mostly that I presume people here have the experience and can share tips. And don't take much effort on it; just share if you already has it on the tip of your tongue and if you are comfortable. You can comment here, or send me a note if you want to keep the talk private.
Again and again, thank you so much!
I had to deal with some sudden heavy issues at the same time, and that exposed how my current support system is currently way beyond my needs; I could not do all I needed to, because I didn't have enough help to delegate in an emergency. I also realized how little is the contact I have with most of my family, and I even had some misunderstandings with some of my few IRL friends that made me feel very down...
At least some people talked to me extensively these days and shared some experiences that helped me to cope; I'm VERY grateful for them.
And also, my customers were the most understanding in the world! I can say I was lucky that I was fired from dayjob a year and a half ago, because in this year and a half you were supportive and kind in ways most people there weren't in 10+ years.
So, conclusion and TL; DR: How do you rebuild your life/support system like that? How do you rebuild your resilience and self-esteem? Is it possible to find a "chosen family" when you spent your life trying to fit, you failed, and now you are starting again being almost 40 yo?
I don't ask for pity or anything else. I'm typing this in a calm state of mind. It's mostly that I presume people here have the experience and can share tips. And don't take much effort on it; just share if you already has it on the tip of your tongue and if you are comfortable. You can comment here, or send me a note if you want to keep the talk private.
Again and again, thank you so much!
as a sign of my becoming more active on FA again.
It is great to see ARCR chiming in, too, even as a fellow seeker of a way to build up that support system!
From the experience of my friend, volunteering can be a good way
to find people with similar values and interests, although
obviously it is difficult to do when you're overworked.
Attending local arts and crafts events as a customer
or as a creator can be a good way of finding friendly artists,
but it requires a high tolerance to crowded spaces.
Fandom meetups can be an option,
unless you have already explored all such communities locally.
All of those possibilities are definitely not what I could have opted for, myself,
as I'm both reclusive by nature and socially anxious,
but you are stronger and more resourceful,
and it may work for you.
The hardest part is trusting someone and engaging with them,
always hoping you'll make a trusted friend you could visit at their place,
but also being prepared for a mismatch that would result
in the new relationship staying superficial.
No easy way to do this. We all wish for ten extra years to catch up
on things like these. But you are amazing for identifying this
as something you need, and taking steps towards
making this expanded circle of friends a reality!
You are a rare and fantastic person, and brilliant creator,
just like ACRC, and many would be delighted
to bind their lives to yours.
Thank you so much for all our good talks. It's being essential during these days, and in calmer times I do love to speculate about Life, Universe, and everything else with you. I mention that because adding truly relaxing activities help, and cool conversations are included. Even if we are far away, this care and affinity help A LOT. I hope these talks are as good to you as they are to me.
Thanks for the ideas! This week I'm very overwhelmed to implement then... but what I'll try is too insist less, and hop more through activities, you know? Try more things to see what instant "clicks". Persistence is important, but I think I try too hard sometimes. It's useful to be that stubborn in some areas (like building a career), but maybe in the soft science of fitting in a group it doesn't work much.
Also, I don't mind about superficial IRL relationships, as long people are friendly and not harmful. I know deep true friendships are a matter of luck.
EDIT forgot to say! In the meantime I'm getting used to get out alone, so it's one less anxiety. A tea, an ice cream, simple things when possible. I write this also to help anyone who is reading it.
Again and again thanks for the kind words, I feel very lucky we've met, even in the form of codes and pixels!
Our talks always bring me joy and relief, and teach me so much more
about the world and the cultural points I would have never
stumbled upon on my own! To have you as a comrade
is to live a happy, empathetic and enriched life.
You're right, it's no good to be pushing yourself
when a relationship isn't working out,
it needs to come naturally, so the persistence
of trying to connect with different people
is more important.
Saúde for overcoming your fears and plotting the safe routes
among which you can stroll in peace, to heal and reflect!
The unfortunate reality is that friend groups change over time...even when you find someone who clicks with you, sometimes your paths diverge for one reason or another, and you find yourself back at square one. It's constant work to strengthen or even just maintain what you have. But it is definitely worth it!!!!
I'm in a bit of a between state right now. I have many growing friendships, but not a lot of close ones. I firmly believe that one day I will have my own found family, and I believe you will find yours, too! You seem like a compassionate person, and that's the most important trait in friendships.
It's true what you say about friend groups, but maybe that's not that unfortunate. People change - sometimes to the better, sometimes to the worse (I had a number of disappointments with former friends in the later years) - and if the worldviews and daily habits make two people incompatible, there is no point in trying to remake a match that's undone. Sometimes, it's for the good.
But I agree it's good to take time to keep kind folks around :)
I'm glad you are in a good position with current acquaintances, and I really hope you can build your chosen family too <3. We don't talk much, but you seem a good person too! (And: yay, tapirs <3)