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Banging my head against the wall
2 months ago
So, I guess it's time for a (kinda heavy) update.
The long story short is that life sucks, I'm not doing good and I have no idea of what's in my future.
Slightly longer "long story short" is that I had plenty of plans for this part of the year specifically, but things keep going sideways and exploding with no breaks nor signs of stopping, and I've been realizing some heavy stuff.
I'm mostly writing this because this year I've dropped the ball on a bunch of things (promises of opening commissions/trades, keeping in contact, things I said I'd do, etc). I'm not fishing for comfort, just being transparent (and giving context for some content I might do later on).
The first two months of this year I almost thought my health was actually getting better, but then in late February I was strapped to a rollercoaster against my will, and it's been hell between an assortment of long-lasting ailments and dealing with terrible chronic pain flare ups.
And for how much I tried to fix things via exercise and trying to feel better, I'm now stuck being unable to do much at all due to a muscle injury in my dominant arm *loud internal screaming*
On top of that, there was the matter of providing end of life care to a relative during most of the spring. I was spared from the worst of it (too busy imitating a packet of broken crackers and wheezing for no apparent reason), but you can imagine how terribly exhausting and life-consuming it was for all involved (I even got some fresh new traumas out of it too ahahelp).
Things are still not "normal" after more than a month, there's still a lot to do that we had to postpone to recover and due to the extreme heat, but so far it has definitely exacerbated my health issues.
Due to all that, I had to stop looking for a regular job (not that I had any chance given the situation), meaning I'm forced to go back to the plan of properly going freelance next year. Which, as you might know, is kind of a leap of faith in this cursed timeline, but with my health being the way it is, that's my only option to (hopefully) earn a living.
I miiiight have some support lined up for me, but it's not looking great regardless *gestures at own country's ridiculously shitty situation for freelancers*
And that would be fine if I was healthy and could work a normal amount of hours, but over these months I also had to accept one life-altering thing: my health won't return to what it was before it got worse, meaning a "normal" life is out of my reach.
I've been trying to recover for 6 years, but it's become clear that for now I fall squarely into the "too healthy for disability support, too disabled to work or do more than survive my body's whims".
Admitting it to myself was hard, and it's still shattering, because I just want to create all day and have a life where I'm not feeling like I ran a marathon the day before and got run over by a few trucks in the process. Be it fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and/or something in that ballpark, the pain doesn't ever go away for real, rest is never restful, and improvements are not permanent or meaningful.
Problem is, obtaining a diagnosis for this sort of issue is on par with getting a jackpot at the casino, and I have little hope it'll be a painless process T_T
Now, ONTO THE FEW GOOD THINGS (crazy that there are some).
- I'll be at GoldenHorn again later this year, hopefully in the Den too! I made some cute new merch I have ordered but haven't finished sharing, and I seriously can't wait to have that little work-holiday with friends.
- Despite highs and lows and impostor syndrome, I DO feel more confident in my art, and I'd be inundating y'all with OC stuff and studies IF I had the ability to hold a pen right now *internal crying*
- I even have AC in the house now after ages of melting in the summer, can you believe it?! o:
In all seriousness, I gotta thank those of you who are still sticking around and leaving faves and comments on my stuff.
Things are hard, but you make things a little better and worth sticking around 💚
The long story short is that life sucks, I'm not doing good and I have no idea of what's in my future.
Slightly longer "long story short" is that I had plenty of plans for this part of the year specifically, but things keep going sideways and exploding with no breaks nor signs of stopping, and I've been realizing some heavy stuff.
I'm mostly writing this because this year I've dropped the ball on a bunch of things (promises of opening commissions/trades, keeping in contact, things I said I'd do, etc). I'm not fishing for comfort, just being transparent (and giving context for some content I might do later on).
The first two months of this year I almost thought my health was actually getting better, but then in late February I was strapped to a rollercoaster against my will, and it's been hell between an assortment of long-lasting ailments and dealing with terrible chronic pain flare ups.
And for how much I tried to fix things via exercise and trying to feel better, I'm now stuck being unable to do much at all due to a muscle injury in my dominant arm *loud internal screaming*
On top of that, there was the matter of providing end of life care to a relative during most of the spring. I was spared from the worst of it (too busy imitating a packet of broken crackers and wheezing for no apparent reason), but you can imagine how terribly exhausting and life-consuming it was for all involved (I even got some fresh new traumas out of it too ahahelp).
Things are still not "normal" after more than a month, there's still a lot to do that we had to postpone to recover and due to the extreme heat, but so far it has definitely exacerbated my health issues.
Due to all that, I had to stop looking for a regular job (not that I had any chance given the situation), meaning I'm forced to go back to the plan of properly going freelance next year. Which, as you might know, is kind of a leap of faith in this cursed timeline, but with my health being the way it is, that's my only option to (hopefully) earn a living.
I miiiight have some support lined up for me, but it's not looking great regardless *gestures at own country's ridiculously shitty situation for freelancers*
And that would be fine if I was healthy and could work a normal amount of hours, but over these months I also had to accept one life-altering thing: my health won't return to what it was before it got worse, meaning a "normal" life is out of my reach.
I've been trying to recover for 6 years, but it's become clear that for now I fall squarely into the "too healthy for disability support, too disabled to work or do more than survive my body's whims".
Admitting it to myself was hard, and it's still shattering, because I just want to create all day and have a life where I'm not feeling like I ran a marathon the day before and got run over by a few trucks in the process. Be it fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and/or something in that ballpark, the pain doesn't ever go away for real, rest is never restful, and improvements are not permanent or meaningful.
Problem is, obtaining a diagnosis for this sort of issue is on par with getting a jackpot at the casino, and I have little hope it'll be a painless process T_T
Now, ONTO THE FEW GOOD THINGS (crazy that there are some).
- I'll be at GoldenHorn again later this year, hopefully in the Den too! I made some cute new merch I have ordered but haven't finished sharing, and I seriously can't wait to have that little work-holiday with friends.
- Despite highs and lows and impostor syndrome, I DO feel more confident in my art, and I'd be inundating y'all with OC stuff and studies IF I had the ability to hold a pen right now *internal crying*
- I even have AC in the house now after ages of melting in the summer, can you believe it?! o:
In all seriousness, I gotta thank those of you who are still sticking around and leaving faves and comments on my stuff.
Things are hard, but you make things a little better and worth sticking around 💚
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