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heya, still not dead, feeling the urge to yell to the void
a month ago
heya, still not dead, feeling the urge to i guess, yell to this void for once?
For those that want to know uhh, journal contains a lot of very upsetti spaghetti so reader discretion is advised.
Real life is not great and my mental health is pretty down low these days between everything going on both the net, irl, physical health and in my head especially.
I really ain't doing okay, hardly ANYTHING brings me any pleasure or joy anymore.
I'm constantly fighting the urge to not just outright give up on everything as my body and mind slowly wither and decay with every passing span of time.
The reminder that my art career is very very dead just as it always has been for the past 13 years, having an entire 2 thirds of my life be completely taken over by slaving away for a meager paycheck that will never amount to more then simple survival and heavy dependence upon family/others till the day I fucking die doesn't help, and the CONSTANT isolation I am faced with online and irl is deafening to a extreme.
I know people got their own lives and woes to deal with but fuck man, when the only contact i have with anyone these days is family that sees me as naught but a child, an occasional encounter with a co-worker, and the rare instances i contact anyone online grows smaller and smaller as time goes on and it's driving me insane especially when im too damn tired and afraid to go out and try to meet new people whatsoever.
I did get a hold of a psychiatrist fuckin finally, and got pretty much immediately diagnosed with intense/moderate depression and anxiety which uh, no surprise there but damn. Despite my past issues with medications, really hoping the shit they're gonna put me on will help to be able to deal with work and life better in general, maybe even make me able to draw more and feed the social media algorithms and so on cause christ man everything is really not great and i am so quickly upset and agitated and absolutely angry at existence all the damn time and I'm resorting to crying to the fucking void here for any sort of ANYTHING despite trying to avoid doing this for many years for many reasons, and i constantly toe the line between schizophrenic misanthropist, losing to overwhelming and absolutely crushing despair, or those becoming ever rarer moments where i'm able to push on despite it all with some sort of vain heroic resolve.
ill try to end this off positively i guess even tho i really ain't feeling positive ever anymore, im still working on a comic every weekend despite it all i guess and SOMEHOW holding down a fulltime job too, And it feels extremely wrong for me to say this after all of THAT, but presuming you gave enough of a shit or were morbidly curious, i still do shit here and there behind patreon/discord, namely that comic i keep yammering on about sometimes, and am slowly working on what i can for it's dedicated website whenever i have time/energy to try and learn php and wordpress shit (You can see the website's alpha RIGHT NOW if you know where to look!)
so uhh, if you're here thanks for reading, pls repost my art i'd really appreciate it, and maybe consider checking out the patreon to go find a much more extensive archive of my work over the years and also access to a mostly dead discord community
https://www.patreon.com/c/trinitygodag
also uhh, i guess have some songs that've been keeping me somewhat alive recently after my meek crashout here online at 12 fuckin am on a work night:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0zlmLZthP0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFFI2on0chw
For those that want to know uhh, journal contains a lot of very upsetti spaghetti so reader discretion is advised.
Real life is not great and my mental health is pretty down low these days between everything going on both the net, irl, physical health and in my head especially.
I really ain't doing okay, hardly ANYTHING brings me any pleasure or joy anymore.
I'm constantly fighting the urge to not just outright give up on everything as my body and mind slowly wither and decay with every passing span of time.
The reminder that my art career is very very dead just as it always has been for the past 13 years, having an entire 2 thirds of my life be completely taken over by slaving away for a meager paycheck that will never amount to more then simple survival and heavy dependence upon family/others till the day I fucking die doesn't help, and the CONSTANT isolation I am faced with online and irl is deafening to a extreme.
I know people got their own lives and woes to deal with but fuck man, when the only contact i have with anyone these days is family that sees me as naught but a child, an occasional encounter with a co-worker, and the rare instances i contact anyone online grows smaller and smaller as time goes on and it's driving me insane especially when im too damn tired and afraid to go out and try to meet new people whatsoever.
I did get a hold of a psychiatrist fuckin finally, and got pretty much immediately diagnosed with intense/moderate depression and anxiety which uh, no surprise there but damn. Despite my past issues with medications, really hoping the shit they're gonna put me on will help to be able to deal with work and life better in general, maybe even make me able to draw more and feed the social media algorithms and so on cause christ man everything is really not great and i am so quickly upset and agitated and absolutely angry at existence all the damn time and I'm resorting to crying to the fucking void here for any sort of ANYTHING despite trying to avoid doing this for many years for many reasons, and i constantly toe the line between schizophrenic misanthropist, losing to overwhelming and absolutely crushing despair, or those becoming ever rarer moments where i'm able to push on despite it all with some sort of vain heroic resolve.
ill try to end this off positively i guess even tho i really ain't feeling positive ever anymore, im still working on a comic every weekend despite it all i guess and SOMEHOW holding down a fulltime job too, And it feels extremely wrong for me to say this after all of THAT, but presuming you gave enough of a shit or were morbidly curious, i still do shit here and there behind patreon/discord, namely that comic i keep yammering on about sometimes, and am slowly working on what i can for it's dedicated website whenever i have time/energy to try and learn php and wordpress shit (You can see the website's alpha RIGHT NOW if you know where to look!)
so uhh, if you're here thanks for reading, pls repost my art i'd really appreciate it, and maybe consider checking out the patreon to go find a much more extensive archive of my work over the years and also access to a mostly dead discord community
https://www.patreon.com/c/trinitygodag
also uhh, i guess have some songs that've been keeping me somewhat alive recently after my meek crashout here online at 12 fuckin am on a work night:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0zlmLZthP0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFFI2on0chw
