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Affirmation-seeking behavior
3 months ago
(ambiguous title)
Me writing vent journals: Idk, dude it's just like idk man, like whatever
It kinda hit me with this queen talking about this "surveillance state, not just politically but socially and emotionally"
https://x.com/lettersfromjuno/statu.....43261207286046
While everything she says resonates so much truth, the idea of constantly being watched ... guys, have you heard about Christianity? Psalm 121:8 “The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever." The sentiment is older than ... well, religion been around for a while as you might know, the shit my grandparents subject themselves to just at the THOUGHT of possibly going to this arbitrary torture chamber below the earth. It's, as she also mentioned, a societal problem of constantly being out for other peoples mistakes, covering your own insecurities and wrong doings by exposing others and so on and on and that is a WHOLE CAN OF WORMS on itself.
But that's not what I want to talk about specifically, it is more the framework of what I have beef with but ultimately have to accept in the space we are living and moving in:
The "when you show up, you are someones content" kinda vibe, the "you are the artist™", your artist persona always hovering behind you. Which of course also lead me to a heck-of-a-lot of pleasant experiences but im here to be slightly miffed today. Naturally, people have certain expectations around you based on what you do, what you post and what you say, Which isn't evil by any means, we all do, me, you, the guy with zero credits and the guy who is around since god knows how long. No one but you will ever know the full extend of your character because we have only so much time with each other while you spend 24/7 with yourself. No one will ever love you exactly how you want because that's your job
Something they don't really prepare you for when you go onto your artist-career journey is how you have to face this person while you are trying to express yourself, thought all the medias given, someone will come to you, look at you with this : DDD type face and expect you to "do your thing". you are not just hanging out with 2 or 3 friends in a stream, you are capable of ruining or improving someones day by say "hey cool art bro" so they can go to their discord server and say "yo holy shit this artist said im cool" - And that is not like my worst experience by any means, bitch I was 19 once too but MAN do I become aware of it sometimes. I'm really good at this thing I been doing for 17 years because it feels so natural to me to express myself via this hobby I choose and suddenly I have the authority, to someone, of some dude that makes 6 figures a year.
I'm not like super pressed in said position, I do get to use this platform to, hopefully, spread some epic win messages and thoughts that in my mind would fix the world one little insecure artist after another and I really believe in that! and I don't want to scare people into becoming mega conscious of how they talk to someone. (more info below on that)
This is the tangent part to this "perceiving things online" culture, so many people are so familiar with this "streamer" or "content creator language" and it sickens me to be talked at like such, it also internalizes for so many artists because it's somewhat the only thing you have as a reference for making stuff online. (starting to realizes im hating the industrialization of our hobby, AGAIN) Having people talk about you WHILE you are in the room with that is one of those details man ...
I wanna write much much more about this but im not really finding this specific thing making me upset or what the take-away socially critical point here is, yes, again, it's this "some people make me feel so aware of their perception of me" but "some people are bad" is like a low-hanging-fruit for take-havers on the internet. "make up a guy and hate him" boo-hoo
Damage control yet undeniable truth - it is just a nature of perceiving each other, interactions and how we experience one another. while it is impossible, literally, it would be nice if we all understood each other, learned everything equally at the same pace and gave each other grace or whatever but you just have to accept that is not gonna happen as part of being human. Putting yourself online makes you subject to this, everyone goes on the internet for different reasons, even among artists we all see each other for something else and are only exposed to via some images and posts (or the lack off). How we react to it, how we engage with it and what we want from it is unique to all of us and to survive in this world you have to give everyone the grace, especially within our community that we all try to have fun and a good time. You have to give love to receive love and you can do so while hating the living hell out of some dude hehe :)
Oh god no i did it, i did the big diary entry of "today I was perceived wrong and I wanted to die" showing signs of the entire issue mentioned above being internalized - self-awareness truly is a curse
thank you so much for coming to my journal to read what I think about, colorized and digitized for you to relate, hate, ovulate and participate!
Me writing vent journals: Idk, dude it's just like idk man, like whatever
It kinda hit me with this queen talking about this "surveillance state, not just politically but socially and emotionally"
https://x.com/lettersfromjuno/statu.....43261207286046
While everything she says resonates so much truth, the idea of constantly being watched ... guys, have you heard about Christianity? Psalm 121:8 “The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever." The sentiment is older than ... well, religion been around for a while as you might know, the shit my grandparents subject themselves to just at the THOUGHT of possibly going to this arbitrary torture chamber below the earth. It's, as she also mentioned, a societal problem of constantly being out for other peoples mistakes, covering your own insecurities and wrong doings by exposing others and so on and on and that is a WHOLE CAN OF WORMS on itself.
But that's not what I want to talk about specifically, it is more the framework of what I have beef with but ultimately have to accept in the space we are living and moving in:
The "when you show up, you are someones content" kinda vibe, the "you are the artist™", your artist persona always hovering behind you. Which of course also lead me to a heck-of-a-lot of pleasant experiences but im here to be slightly miffed today. Naturally, people have certain expectations around you based on what you do, what you post and what you say, Which isn't evil by any means, we all do, me, you, the guy with zero credits and the guy who is around since god knows how long. No one but you will ever know the full extend of your character because we have only so much time with each other while you spend 24/7 with yourself. No one will ever love you exactly how you want because that's your job
Something they don't really prepare you for when you go onto your artist-career journey is how you have to face this person while you are trying to express yourself, thought all the medias given, someone will come to you, look at you with this : DDD type face and expect you to "do your thing". you are not just hanging out with 2 or 3 friends in a stream, you are capable of ruining or improving someones day by say "hey cool art bro" so they can go to their discord server and say "yo holy shit this artist said im cool" - And that is not like my worst experience by any means, bitch I was 19 once too but MAN do I become aware of it sometimes. I'm really good at this thing I been doing for 17 years because it feels so natural to me to express myself via this hobby I choose and suddenly I have the authority, to someone, of some dude that makes 6 figures a year.
I'm not like super pressed in said position, I do get to use this platform to, hopefully, spread some epic win messages and thoughts that in my mind would fix the world one little insecure artist after another and I really believe in that! and I don't want to scare people into becoming mega conscious of how they talk to someone. (more info below on that)
This is the tangent part to this "perceiving things online" culture, so many people are so familiar with this "streamer" or "content creator language" and it sickens me to be talked at like such, it also internalizes for so many artists because it's somewhat the only thing you have as a reference for making stuff online. (starting to realizes im hating the industrialization of our hobby, AGAIN) Having people talk about you WHILE you are in the room with that is one of those details man ...
I wanna write much much more about this but im not really finding this specific thing making me upset or what the take-away socially critical point here is, yes, again, it's this "some people make me feel so aware of their perception of me" but "some people are bad" is like a low-hanging-fruit for take-havers on the internet. "make up a guy and hate him" boo-hoo
Damage control yet undeniable truth - it is just a nature of perceiving each other, interactions and how we experience one another. while it is impossible, literally, it would be nice if we all understood each other, learned everything equally at the same pace and gave each other grace or whatever but you just have to accept that is not gonna happen as part of being human. Putting yourself online makes you subject to this, everyone goes on the internet for different reasons, even among artists we all see each other for something else and are only exposed to via some images and posts (or the lack off). How we react to it, how we engage with it and what we want from it is unique to all of us and to survive in this world you have to give everyone the grace, especially within our community that we all try to have fun and a good time. You have to give love to receive love and you can do so while hating the living hell out of some dude hehe :)
Oh god no i did it, i did the big diary entry of "today I was perceived wrong and I wanted to die" showing signs of the entire issue mentioned above being internalized - self-awareness truly is a curse
thank you so much for coming to my journal to read what I think about, colorized and digitized for you to relate, hate, ovulate and participate!
Maybe if you cared about more things than internet culture and talked about it, you also would be "unpredictable" or in my terms, more yourself >:]
Holy shit, getting this thrown into my face would just pulverize me
I also start to recognize that I am too a part of the problem because damn the herd instinct has a death grip on all of us and I'm no exception. "Illusion of interest" is something I learned about recently and it disgusts me how much it affects me. wish there was a way to hide likes/views on media so I can watch what I'm actually interested in and not just follow the herd sign. Sorry for kinda. focusing on a wrong thing here today is my yapping day it seems.
I'm also guilty of this uhh "shallow perception" too I realize now. I really really wish I can unlearn this all and I've already been thinking of ways to. idk learn how to talk to people and actually see them all as living breathing creatures?? Npc mindset kinda fucked my morals big time ngl.
One of the few things that actually give me hope is that I'm still barely adult so hopefully I will get smarter with years passing. (I legit feel like I only started living only when I got out of school with is well kinda truth this shit is evil and messed me up in many different ways).
Man I need to start working on mu life fr
Again sorry for derailing like 200 times in this comment I have two wolves in me and they both can't shut up for dear life
Don't worry tho, you will improve, not immediately but definitely, me too ´w `
All I do is derail and prevail, me and you! (it took me like 5 revisits and 2 hours to fully formulate this journal, man, i had no clue what I wanted to write) <3
Cringe is the new Panopticon
A lot of online behavior is influenced by populism, gamefication, and monetization.
A lot of culture is influenced by the idea of Original SIn ™️
it would serve us so much more if we can recognize we're all filled with millions of facets and none of them are pieces meant to fit each other