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Life Update: Job, identity and what the future holds
a month ago
Things have been… chaotic to say the least.
In my previous journal I talked about my first day at this new job, in this one I’m going to talk about my last. Yeah, I lost it. I have a few more weeks but at the end of this month I’ll no longer be working there. I’m still on good terms with everyone and there’s a possibility of returning in future, essentially it all boiled down to money. I was on a fixed term contract working at a nursery and had been under the impression that once the six month contract had expired, I’d be able sign a new one with a better salary as the past few months were supposed to be something of a training period. Because of circumstances like new owners, overstaffing and a cut to funding it was decided that renewing my contract would no longer be possible, so that’s that I guess.
I’m crushed. I feel like I struck gold in finding that job. It’s so rare I find an environment where I feel so comfortable with the people around me? There’s the surface level stuff, like how nobody, not even the kids has ever misgendered me or seen me as anything different to any other woman in their lives. But personality too, these tiny people see right through me with zero judgement or prejudice. Everything that the wider world would consider weird or abnormal is just accepted by these kids, they have such pure souls, just completely untainted by what society says is right or wrong. I guess I never felt as if I was too much of an oddball if that makes sense. Because in being fun and goofy, I guess it communicated to them that they were safe in being fun and goofy around me in return. Giving them a space to just… have fun. All my strange lil quirks actually ended up working to my benefit more times than not. Getting to comfort an autistic kid during a crisis by talking for an hour about Paw Patrol was something that just came naturally cus who the hell else could I nerd out about Paw Patrol with? Who other than kids would understand obscure Bluey references or be able to name the Sanrio or MLP characters? I definitely think the reason my little side has flourished the past few months is because I’d found a place where having a youthful spirit allows you to thrive and make meaningful connections with others. And my colleagues too? All oddballs in their own way. Maybe not to the same extremes but enough to the point that they never made me feel that being quirky was something I needed to hide.
Then there’s everything to do with Broker and how this super special character ended up becoming special to other people aswell. I have a custom plush toy of her and would take it into the room sometimes just as a comfort item for when things became too overwhelming. I’d do little doodles of her often and eventually these kids really took a shine to her. The plush wasn’t like the others in the room, this one had STATUS as it was only allowed out when I was there to supervise and keep damage to a minimum. And overtime Broker became kind of a classroom celebrity and it was just incredible to see. She genuinely had an effect on them. How carrying her plush around gave some kids so much more confidence or how excited they got when I brought out a new activity sheet for them featuring her. Hearing them constantly ask about her like she was a real person is something I’m really gonna miss.
I just felt embraced there. I was proud of the work I was doing. It wasn’t easy but overtime I learned the routine and truly carved a place for myself. I found what my niches were and I capitalised on them with doodle sessions, art classes, activity sheets and other activities generally revolving around creativity or illustration. I grew my confidence up, from my first week where I only spoke when spoken to all the way up to now where I’ll volunteer for story reading or circle activities. All I ever wanted to do, was to do right by these kids, to give them an open, accepting and fun space where they could learn, laugh and thrive. To teach them to love others and themselves, and reiterate that believing in themselves would take them anywhere. I’m leaving with so many incredible memories but my biggest fear is thinking that I’ll never being able to find a place where I’ll be able to feel like that again. That I’ve struck gold once and now I’m gonna go back to being some strange anomaly again with nowhere to go where I’ll fit in.
I’ve had ups and downs with navigating my little side. This bizarre compulsion to “grow up the right way” has led me to incredible places, but also has me feeling like more of an alien than ever. I’m not one to keep things hidden. I had 23 years of emotional repression and keeping things to myself pre-transition, and I’ve realised that if I’m going to become the person I want to be, I gotta let go of the shame and just be myself, whether others like that or not. That includes my affinity for creating a childhood I wish I had growing up. My family knows, a couple of my coworkers know, my friends all know, and with everything being out there in the open you’d think I’d have some anxieties about how people perceive me. And yeah, sometimes that’s the case, a lot of the times it isn’t, I guess I just run with pretty cool and accepting circles.
One thing I wasn’t expecting was that confidence in who you are can be so ostracising. I’m hyper aware that I have issues, traumas, manners of healing which are unique to me and strange to others. I did have someone in my close family say some utterly horrendous things to me a couple weeks ago. The type of awful things you can’t take back. They wanted to make me feel shame, they would rather I be normal and miserable than myself and happy. They attacked a part of me so pure and harmless and reconciling with that has not been easy. I even turned to more dangerous and violent methods of self soothing at one point, something I’ve not had to do ever since I started embracing regression. Cutting them out of my life is not something I’m able to do right this moment, we’re literally in the same household and even if money did permit it, I wouldn’t wanna leave my other family members with them alone. But attacking something so deeply intertwined with my identity and journey for peace is not something I’ll forget, I’m stubborn and spiteful, and won’t let ignorance scare me into being someone I’m not.
I guess I just wished the world was a more open and accepting place. Where quirks which aren’t as normalised as others can be embraced regardless, as opposed to being met with fear and precaution. Especially when the intentions are so pure and harmless. I genuinely believe I’d have an easier time fitting into this world if I just solved my problems with drugs or alcohol because at least that’s something people are aware of. They have some level of comprehension because of how normalised and widely understood those coping mechanisms are, harmful as they may be. They won’t judge or make assumptions out of fear because it’s known to them, whereas regressing to a younger headspace, playing with toys and stuffed animals, wearing colourful clothes and watching cartoons, using bottles and pacifiers, even wearing diapers as a headspace tool, are all things so beyond their ability to understand that a common reaction is to just respond out of fear or assumption to try and rationalise it all. I wish that whole “being afraid of what you don’t understand” just wasn’t something so prevalent in todays world where so many people are trying to find themselves, but end up having to hide away the parts which aren’t as palatable to others.
I don’t exactly know what the future holds for me. I have BFC coming up which I’ve luckily been saving for. Beyond that money is gonna be rough for a while so I’m likely gonna get on the commission grind to build myself back up again and keep on top of my transition meds. I deferred from Uni way back in May to focus more on the job and my transition. I’ll likely end up going back as I’m only a few more months away from graduating with a masters in film. Passion for it has waned a bit so delving back into films which aren’t made for children is gonna be a good start! But yeah, if Bluey taught me anything it’s how to pick myself up, dry my tears, dust myself off and keep going. I’ll always do my best to spread positivity and love where I can. I’ve found a real sanctuary within my online communities and giving back to them by being a positive influence is very important to me. With that said, so much love to you all, be weird, be wonderful, love yourself and never be ashamed to be the person you are <3
In my previous journal I talked about my first day at this new job, in this one I’m going to talk about my last. Yeah, I lost it. I have a few more weeks but at the end of this month I’ll no longer be working there. I’m still on good terms with everyone and there’s a possibility of returning in future, essentially it all boiled down to money. I was on a fixed term contract working at a nursery and had been under the impression that once the six month contract had expired, I’d be able sign a new one with a better salary as the past few months were supposed to be something of a training period. Because of circumstances like new owners, overstaffing and a cut to funding it was decided that renewing my contract would no longer be possible, so that’s that I guess.
I’m crushed. I feel like I struck gold in finding that job. It’s so rare I find an environment where I feel so comfortable with the people around me? There’s the surface level stuff, like how nobody, not even the kids has ever misgendered me or seen me as anything different to any other woman in their lives. But personality too, these tiny people see right through me with zero judgement or prejudice. Everything that the wider world would consider weird or abnormal is just accepted by these kids, they have such pure souls, just completely untainted by what society says is right or wrong. I guess I never felt as if I was too much of an oddball if that makes sense. Because in being fun and goofy, I guess it communicated to them that they were safe in being fun and goofy around me in return. Giving them a space to just… have fun. All my strange lil quirks actually ended up working to my benefit more times than not. Getting to comfort an autistic kid during a crisis by talking for an hour about Paw Patrol was something that just came naturally cus who the hell else could I nerd out about Paw Patrol with? Who other than kids would understand obscure Bluey references or be able to name the Sanrio or MLP characters? I definitely think the reason my little side has flourished the past few months is because I’d found a place where having a youthful spirit allows you to thrive and make meaningful connections with others. And my colleagues too? All oddballs in their own way. Maybe not to the same extremes but enough to the point that they never made me feel that being quirky was something I needed to hide.
Then there’s everything to do with Broker and how this super special character ended up becoming special to other people aswell. I have a custom plush toy of her and would take it into the room sometimes just as a comfort item for when things became too overwhelming. I’d do little doodles of her often and eventually these kids really took a shine to her. The plush wasn’t like the others in the room, this one had STATUS as it was only allowed out when I was there to supervise and keep damage to a minimum. And overtime Broker became kind of a classroom celebrity and it was just incredible to see. She genuinely had an effect on them. How carrying her plush around gave some kids so much more confidence or how excited they got when I brought out a new activity sheet for them featuring her. Hearing them constantly ask about her like she was a real person is something I’m really gonna miss.
I just felt embraced there. I was proud of the work I was doing. It wasn’t easy but overtime I learned the routine and truly carved a place for myself. I found what my niches were and I capitalised on them with doodle sessions, art classes, activity sheets and other activities generally revolving around creativity or illustration. I grew my confidence up, from my first week where I only spoke when spoken to all the way up to now where I’ll volunteer for story reading or circle activities. All I ever wanted to do, was to do right by these kids, to give them an open, accepting and fun space where they could learn, laugh and thrive. To teach them to love others and themselves, and reiterate that believing in themselves would take them anywhere. I’m leaving with so many incredible memories but my biggest fear is thinking that I’ll never being able to find a place where I’ll be able to feel like that again. That I’ve struck gold once and now I’m gonna go back to being some strange anomaly again with nowhere to go where I’ll fit in.
I’ve had ups and downs with navigating my little side. This bizarre compulsion to “grow up the right way” has led me to incredible places, but also has me feeling like more of an alien than ever. I’m not one to keep things hidden. I had 23 years of emotional repression and keeping things to myself pre-transition, and I’ve realised that if I’m going to become the person I want to be, I gotta let go of the shame and just be myself, whether others like that or not. That includes my affinity for creating a childhood I wish I had growing up. My family knows, a couple of my coworkers know, my friends all know, and with everything being out there in the open you’d think I’d have some anxieties about how people perceive me. And yeah, sometimes that’s the case, a lot of the times it isn’t, I guess I just run with pretty cool and accepting circles.
One thing I wasn’t expecting was that confidence in who you are can be so ostracising. I’m hyper aware that I have issues, traumas, manners of healing which are unique to me and strange to others. I did have someone in my close family say some utterly horrendous things to me a couple weeks ago. The type of awful things you can’t take back. They wanted to make me feel shame, they would rather I be normal and miserable than myself and happy. They attacked a part of me so pure and harmless and reconciling with that has not been easy. I even turned to more dangerous and violent methods of self soothing at one point, something I’ve not had to do ever since I started embracing regression. Cutting them out of my life is not something I’m able to do right this moment, we’re literally in the same household and even if money did permit it, I wouldn’t wanna leave my other family members with them alone. But attacking something so deeply intertwined with my identity and journey for peace is not something I’ll forget, I’m stubborn and spiteful, and won’t let ignorance scare me into being someone I’m not.
I guess I just wished the world was a more open and accepting place. Where quirks which aren’t as normalised as others can be embraced regardless, as opposed to being met with fear and precaution. Especially when the intentions are so pure and harmless. I genuinely believe I’d have an easier time fitting into this world if I just solved my problems with drugs or alcohol because at least that’s something people are aware of. They have some level of comprehension because of how normalised and widely understood those coping mechanisms are, harmful as they may be. They won’t judge or make assumptions out of fear because it’s known to them, whereas regressing to a younger headspace, playing with toys and stuffed animals, wearing colourful clothes and watching cartoons, using bottles and pacifiers, even wearing diapers as a headspace tool, are all things so beyond their ability to understand that a common reaction is to just respond out of fear or assumption to try and rationalise it all. I wish that whole “being afraid of what you don’t understand” just wasn’t something so prevalent in todays world where so many people are trying to find themselves, but end up having to hide away the parts which aren’t as palatable to others.
I don’t exactly know what the future holds for me. I have BFC coming up which I’ve luckily been saving for. Beyond that money is gonna be rough for a while so I’m likely gonna get on the commission grind to build myself back up again and keep on top of my transition meds. I deferred from Uni way back in May to focus more on the job and my transition. I’ll likely end up going back as I’m only a few more months away from graduating with a masters in film. Passion for it has waned a bit so delving back into films which aren’t made for children is gonna be a good start! But yeah, if Bluey taught me anything it’s how to pick myself up, dry my tears, dust myself off and keep going. I’ll always do my best to spread positivity and love where I can. I’ve found a real sanctuary within my online communities and giving back to them by being a positive influence is very important to me. With that said, so much love to you all, be weird, be wonderful, love yourself and never be ashamed to be the person you are <3
I hope you can forge a better path for yourself. And that you can find other places that bring you the same or even better acceptance.
Something that helps me, I dress...pretty much like a kid all the time and sometimes people can be quite hateful over it but then others see me and respond positively and some dont respond at all. During my training to be a therapist something one of my peers said really has stuck with me. She was white middle class heteronormative, married mother of 3, and we didnt see eye to eye a lot of the time. But on our last class together she said that me coming in dressed weirdly and just being unashamedly myself, made her feel braver that one day she could let herself do the same. She had never talked about my appearance before and we had worked together for 3 years, but she had also never talked about who she really was either, so I got really curious how much effort she was putting in to present this 'normal' facade, to appease society.
I think when I am out and about and get nasty comments and odd stares that theres also other people looking on silently thinking...the person is being themselves maybe I can be myself too. Being yourself whether you know it or not does send a message to others that you are strong enough to be who you are despite any push backs or negativity, which is way braver and more authentic than just going with the crowd.
You're awesome!
It can be a gruelling task, and I find it difficult because I just can’t wrap my head around what the actual problem is? Like, based on how extreme reactions can be to alternative people and lifestyles (not just littles necessarily), you’d think there’d be a more substantial reason than just “I don’t get it, so it must be bad”. You’d think if people didn’t understand the whys they’d have an interest in learning more and educating themselves? You’d think people would have the critical thinking skills to realise how unsubstantiated their hostility is? You’d think by now people would just know to live and let live? I just don’t understand why people have that instinctual fear and need to ostracise when it comes to someone who’s different than them. Like… just be nice?
I guess the world will still cling to preconceived notions of how you’re supposed to behave or present if you’re of a certain age (and gender for that matter). But learning to defy that is something I’m very proud of, and is something I reckon everyone who shares that courage should be proud of.
That therapy training is serving you well! You hit the nail on the head here, and definitely have me feeling more motivated to just carry on being me. Thank you Star, you’re pretty awesome yourself!! 💜
People have a set of core beliefs they know who they are and where they want to fit into society, people like us, we know we're kinda on the fringes and we accept that we're different, as a result we can also be accepting of other peoples differences and see that humans just want space to thrive and do their own thing because thats what we want for ourselves.
For people who are comfortable being in their society, they want to be comfortable, they're happy fitting into the box because its convenient for them and they have a sense of who they are and are surrounded by people like them. What's not to love. It's like being at a permenant furcon where everyone is on the same page and you can just go about your life without worrying about your gender or sexuality or race because you're just seen as normal in your uniqueness.
So when people come along who clearly are not fitting into that normal box for normies, it's like a virus or sickness coming in tainting the watersupply, shaking up their normal world a little, showing folk that they dont have to be a cookiecutter cookie and it destablises their sense of normality which needs to be protected because being normal is who they are and if that gets broken down then they lose their sense of self and their sense of being in the normal group. So one of three things can happen, either they get aggressive trying to protect their sense of normality, they get fearful and try to shut it down and they try to protect their normality or they learn and expand their sense of normality. usually to begin with its one of the first two.
Its not their fault of course, its very much a primal instinct built into most of us, to assess danger to work out if something is good for the group etc, and its important to be IN the group because the group provides safety. So anything differnt to the group has to be shunned in order to preserve the group.
This is why quite often I get hate or fear thrown at me first in terms of people coming across my comics. Or trolls hating on it. The weird thing is often those most vocal about hating it end up coming back and apologisings (sometimes this can take years) because actually they saw something they liked and it scared or angered them because it shook their sense of self and we do a lot to protect our core beliefs.
Anyway sorry for teh ramble, just thought you might find it interesting