so over the last 2 months or so, I have not been posting, however I have learned the reason to why its been a struggle to be productive for me lately that I wanted to share here since I am not sure how long its still gonna take to heal from it.

with my slew of trauma I think I learned I have something called emotional amnesia which I think has been my true road block this whole time which is

"Emotional amnesia refers to the experience of being unable to fully access or feel the emotions associated with past events, even when the memory of the event itself is intact. It's a phenomenon where individuals may remember what happened, but the associated feelings are dulled, absent, or delayed. "

explains to me why I forget stories I actually wrote and when I read it again I just feel nothing looking at it cause I can't remember the emotions I want to feel reading it., and not even my own work, with everything, and it mostly happens after I go to sleep, when I wake up I pretty much have a emotional reset land also why I forget things a lot in general if it didn't make a emotional impression on me, its gonna fully white out in my mind

I still enjoy stories but my emotional memories on them can't stay long term, its a truama response, my brain unable to trust joy or strong emotions in general so it keeps me neutral to protect me but, it is a pain in the ass productive and just conversation wise and this comes down the most to how messed up my Nervous system is

ts pretty crazy to realize how much my nervous system has been affecting for as long as it has, cause its very un regulated like for example even if I see something I love, but didn't expect it, or hell even if do expect it, my nervous systems spikes like crazy but not because of anything bad, its because I love it so much and my nervous system is so scared of feeling that rush of joy, its pretty crazy how subconsciously scared I am of being happy and seeing what I want, I'm so not used for stuff for me and my body is not used to that and so scared to trust that self indulgence like I used too, honestly explains why I always feel anxiety writing, makes sense through if you saw the images my OCD brain forces on me all the time on my comfort characters, you wouldn't be able to trust joy in them either as I have mentally gone through shit, it has not been pretty being a chronic empath + uncontrollable vivid imagination = lots of pain, keeping morbid thoughts from invading my mind on a daily basis takes a toll and my nervous system is super fucked as a result

I will say it has been a breath a fresh air to find words to what all these feelings have been all this time, having a existential mind since childhood has been hard but now I know what it is I can work on improve on it and knowing I am a chronic empath always helps me not feels scared of myself and learning what was just emotions I absorbed so I can wring them out and connect with what I truly love

another thing helping me is getting over my intense fear of certain groups of people that I always thought was a common fear for gay men only to learn....it isn't and that is just me with Complex PTSD on top of everything else which is why I have also not been productive cause this fear has made me focus to hard on the concept of being hurt or attacked first and focusing on everyone else more than myself so, working through that as well.

TLDR: so, the long and short of it is, been making progress on my Mental health, its been a slow uphill battle, but I think with some time and understanding of myself and how to move forwards and my other mental disabilities, I see progress being made soon, any advice if you suffer from the same thing and how you handle it would mean the world to me, if you have anything.