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Bitching & Whining (Again) - And a bit dr'nk
3 months ago
Alright, so... I did this once before... I really have no idea what all I've said in it and .. right now? I've intentionally made a point to make myself as drunk as possible.
So... I guess the TL:DR; or whatnot is ignore as before. This is for me. This is for my mind to purge whatever the hell is going on inside of it it because I don't feel the capability of handling this internally. So, I'm going to put it externally.
I do know I said that before, that this is for me.. I'll explain as best I can, since... while I'm a bit inebriated, and my physical form is pretty, hrm... "affwicted", my mental capacity lingers on. (More on that later perhaps if I recall/remember). So, if this is for me, why do I post this so publicly, you might ask?
Well it's the same reason why I might prefer a PvP enabled WoW server as opposed to a "normal" PvE server. (internal reference to myself right there, eh?) It's that.. random element. That little spark of things I can't control or have any say in whether or not it happens, just something I can react to and... have become an anomaly in my world. I crave anomalies for lack of knowing how to create my own. (Would I want to create my own? Not really. Maybe that's my problem? I don't know what I want anymore? Did I ever?)
I'm going to spout whatever the hell comes out of my mind from here on out so, read on with caution, or.. like before, if you're just curious what the hell this mind creates when left to it's own devices with inhibitions and control checks lowered? I don't know exactly how it works.
I don't know how long this will go on for or if I'm just sputtering a bunch of crap to spit it out of my mouth... but...
Okay, anyway, I'm... intentionally inebriating myself to hopefully reach a new level of... uh... inebriation? Is that good? Probably not, but... look, it's hard for me to even get drunk. This I'm typing right now is after I've been purposefully pushing through drink after drink to reach a level I haven't experienced... and I'm still quite capable of, I think so far, pretty clear speech and typing?
So, at the moment, I feel physical effects, but my mental ~takes a moment to look up the definition of 'acumen' to make sure they're using it right~ "acumen" is still very much functional, intact, and working as intended.
I'm still able to recognize that I'm making a typing mistake and able to backtrack and backspace enough to go fix it, as opposed to just ignoring it, not recognizing it, or simply moving on from whatever I've messed up on.
I'd... like to know what it feels like to have my brain just... turn itself off completely for a while and not care or think about any of these little things... But even drinking a buttload (I don't know, is this a buttload?) of alcohol to inebriate and break myself apart enough to not think anymore... how far do I gotta take this? Is this alright? It's not "alright" in one sense, but.. I mean, come on, plenty of people do this. Tons of people on this Earth do this thing where they drown their sorrows in a bottle, why can't I do it? Well.. I guess genes might have a say in that. It takes an awful lot to get me drunk, and even more to get DRUNK drunk... so... I really have to make a mental note to force myself to keep going, and going and going, otherwise I get bored of doing it, the physical effect of being 'sick' of it kicks in and I just don't wanna do it anymore...
Well, fuck it, alright? I want an experience. If I don't have anything else going for me, let me at least have an experience I've never felt before alright? So---
I'ma-take a break and chug a few more mawfuls (This was "Mouthfuls", but, I'm a furry so I'm gonna make a point to mentally backtrack and change it to mawful to make it... uh... kitschy? because a part of me likes that sorta thing. I like to think of having at least bits and pieces of an identity that goes somewhere.
So, I'ma' pause this here, drink a bit more, and maybe a part of me will remember this and keep going... for SCIENCE! (Heh?)
You ever cried to the song "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell? Well, this is me talking to myself so, yes, of course I have. I just did.
I had a moment where my mental state just full shattered and, I don't know... I guess I'd call it raw emotion peeked through the cracks of this.. containment cell I've built for myself?
I try and sing along with songs that I've scoured through my hard drive for (I know, right? Who the hell has .mp3s downloaded on their hard drive anymore! Everything with streaming is just so convenient... Yeah, well, I started digging through what I have scattered about my hard drives because the internet here really sucks and kicks on and off for no reason sometimes, so... I've been hearing a lot of stuff that I haven't come across for a while, and rather than think about anything else, I'd rather sing along with whatever is playing.
In this moment, I had that song going, and randomly just couldn't control my face as it strains and contorts a bit, until the mental state kicks in to recognize what's going on and put a stop to it.
I gotta drink more. I've felt this loss of physical control before. But, as ever, my mind is ever-present and still able to keep going along with things... Can't I just have that turn off? Just once? Come on. Let me have it at least once to know what it feels like to wake up the next morning and not have recollection of what went on the night previous....
Blackout drunk. I don't understand that. It's... a weird concept to me, since I just haven't ever actually felt that. What's it like? Is it literally like you don't remember things? I always remember things when I wake up. I'm still very much aware of myself when I'm drunk, inebriated, whatever else... It's not like things ever actually fully turn off and just... let things go as they go.
"Go with the flow"... That's not supposed to be a conscious effort to actively ignore things, right?
Oh lord... made me think of my job..
For those of you who don't know... (You're reading this? Or am I making meta commentary for myself again that I'll never actually read...)
---Alright, sidenote. That first time? I really didn't know---
I had to take a moment to go to the bathroom and I forgot what I'm going on about there... uh...
Let's see... "unfortunately" my mental faculties are still very much intact and functioning as normal. I wish I could literally just not think for a while. I really do. X.x
Anyway, went to the bathroom, laid on the floor for a little bit, stared up at the ceiling and the towel nearby... taking a registration of just how much I can still 'focus' if I really try for it... and determined, I'm not anywhere near drunk enough to turn off this damn mind of mine. >.<;
Is it my Irish/Scottish blood? I've had this thought that my genes and such just might be actively against me when it comes to this sort of 'activity', making it far more difficult to reach certain levels that others in this world might achieve easily.
Like, in this moment... I don't really feel like drinking more. I gotta force it down. I gotta make my mental choice to drink more. And if I'm making such a clearly define actual 'choice', then... I'm nowhere near that level of inebriated I hoped to reach, right?
(Boy, if you're reading this... and why, HAH~!, must think this is pretty messed up?
Or is that just my busted thinking, inebriated or not? Like.... (ugh... using "like.." like some sorta 'valley girl' type thing... ... Actually... "valley girl"... that's kind of a Utah way of describing things, I think... is that universal? Or does everyone else have a different way of describing that, like, stupid way of, like, thinking and talking, where, like,, you use, 'like' to like, pause between like, everything you like, say? ("where everything ends in an upward inflection?") And yeah... I did all that on purpose...
Damnit, I can still think. Just let me stop thinking! >.< I don't wanna think anymore. Thinking and feeling has led to just more and more heartache, mindache, psyche-ache, and pain in general. Ugh... I don't know what I"m going on about anymore ... maybe that's a good thing?
More ... whatever comes up in music and.. more drinking please! Turn more systems off! Overload! Buffer overload! RAM overload! CPU overload! Generic Computer Hacker Term Overload, etc. etc.! Hah~
~drinks a bit more for a bit!~
(If I can still think to myself enough to make myself mentally decide that my physical form should reach for the cup and suck down a bit more through the straw.. I haven't yet reached anywhere near to the point I'm trying to reach. >.< (Like (dumb "valley girl"), I'm still backspacing and fixing spelling errors as I come across 'em in front of my face, and I think I can still type more or less coherently, so... yeah, a long way to fuckin' go. >.<)
=-=-=-=-=-=
~randomly has "Aerial" by System of a Down going on~
Ugh.... I can still recognize spelling mistakes. (I say that, but I constantly think back to... what if I've missed something already? I'm not willing to go back and actually check, but moment to moment, I'm still seeing when I type the wrong character, I think, more often than not and still able to coherently go back and fix what I've fucked up.)
It's a stupid thing to be thinking about, isn't it? Whether or not you're typing correctly when you're talking to yourself? Am I really talking to myself?
Or is this some attention seeking ploy that I just put out there in the hopes that some "anomaly" will come my way that will last more than short term and manage to break through whatever clay walls I've put up around myself.... ... Maybe there's a part of me that thinks that way. I think.... Ugh.. I can still think... damn... gotta... force more of this nasty ass alcohol down my throat... Come on, man? This is what people do right? Like... not the usual people, but the sorta person you see in your story or scene of someone in a bar trying to 'down their sorrows' so to speak right?
I truly hate my mind... I really do... It's like it actively goes against me and everything I think I might have wanted at one point, so that I've been so ... flustered, broken, unfocused... I don't know.. all of those things? that I literally can't figure out what I want anymore. (I know I didn't capitalize a T over there... or am I, myself the only one to notice such a small trivial detail? )
=-==-=
Gonna move on a little here to whatever else comes into my mind. Maybe I'll try this next bit whithout looking at the screen.. I'll probably make a lot more spelling mistakeks then. I hink (nah, I know, I glanced up.... ) more mistakes than usual, so.. mayube that's what I gotta do? Do I have to ACTIVELY tell myself not to look up and try and fix everything? Do I have to literlaly force myself into a situation that I can't backspace? I can't delete.? I can't go back and scan for errors?
I don't think that that's realy fair though... This is just a physical probelm. The mind is still ther.e I might not be able to see, register, go back andf ix, all the things Im doing wrong here, but my m ind is still aware that i"m not accurate enough to actually be saying things properly, correctly... etc. (I"ms till catching mysefl glancing up every so often, and... then I gotta sit there and think for a second or two about hwere I"m at in my typing... and then it's a mental problem... ugyh.... I don't want mental problems!@
SHut up mind! SHut the fuck up and let things be for once!
Just...
Alright... Physical.. I got that sorta numb, tingly feeling everyehwere.. that's stage of drunken-ness right? (ho lord, what kinda attention seeking creeature has to keep pointing out all this shit, eh? )
ANd yes, if it wasn't obvious, I have an extremely low opionion of myself, and it gets lower every day.. (Wah wah wah... cry me a river for myself, because no one else is going to take the time, and effort, and expend the emotional capacity to care, eh? ) That's kinda woe iws me right there isn't it? Yeah, it is...
IOt's for myself though I promise... DO I promise? Are my promiesses meaningless?
Where was I.. Oh.. physical effects..
Okay... tingling.. numbness... Uh... accuracy is definitely taking a hit... I'm not as accuaret, especially when I'm purposefully closing my eyes and just letting things go as they go... I can still feel my fingers hitting the wrong keys constantly a and I know I'm not being as accurfate as I should be.. but... I have to force mysedlf to actively NOT go bnack and fix it... (This looks like a bunch of gibberish, and I know it does, but I'm ... like I said.. PURPOSEFULLY not goingb ack and fixing anything. I'm closign my eyes, and not looking at whatever it is i'm typing up. (I'm noticitng I didn't capitalize that right now)...
Okay.. overhwlem the mind with too much shit to go back and fix... that's... a way to get it to just give up on this whole "thinking" thing right?
Shu8t up Slitz, y['big ikdiot... hah.. idiot... if only... Such a blissfull existenc e idiots have, eh? THey don't hage to worry or think or care about whatever... just keep going as they go...
----
Alright uh... where am I/
I'mn not looking, and the music has stopped, and I'm; typing in silence, and with a really broken train of thought, and extremely inaccurate fingers... and yet, I'm still able think damnit... more drinking... Gotta force a bit mroe down the hatfc... ugh.... I dont' know where that fucked up so.. "DOWN THE HATCH!" Is that right? maybe... I think I missed a quotation mark...
Drinking a bit more, even though by now.. I"ve reached the point where I'm bored of it, it doesn't taste good, it doesn't feel good... I just gotta... ... force that mental decisiont o do it again... and again.. and again... ! X>.x
-=--=-=
I grow weary of these physical effects... WHere's the mental effects I'm supposed to have that deteriorate further and further through this venture.
I just dont' feel like it's fair... that I have to be curseed with this mind that won't let itself go...
I can still feel and analyize everything going on around me. I can still feel each part of myself. I can recognize that I'm drunk. I can recognize that my physical accuracy has lowered, but I can still see straight.
Isn't that supposed to be one of those things that gets described? "Can't see straight" is a thing isn't it?
LIke... Iunless I willfully play into it, Ic an still focus myself enough to see what I'm doing. I might not be able to do it the most accurately... Like... If I were pulled over or some shit, and told to walk a straight line.. I (probably) couldn't do it,.. but I'd be fully aware of the fact that I can't do it. Like if I was told to bne completely honest, I'd very blatantly say I can't do it.
In fact... lemme try... (Yeah, totally trust me bro, I'll give you accurate information. Lemme try and walk a straight line and give my best judgement of things)
Yeah so this floor here is made up of like.. "planks" of fake wood, and I can definitely still follow a straight line. I most definitely wobble a bit and have to "hold my balance' with a little arm flailing, but I can still walk the line pretty damn straight...
I'm ... ugh.. how much do I have to fuckin' drink? How much DO people drink? Am I maybe just really underestimating how much it takes for people to reach those levels?
OH, I guess I should say, (to myself..? Yeah right, lol) that I don't do shots. I... can't actually stand the taste of alcohol, it's disgusting so.. I prefer a mixed drink...
I'm... I"ve bdrunk.. let's see... we'll say a 1/5th of vodka, and almost half a bottle of cheap rum?
That's .. is that not that much? I guess those might be rookie numbers if I can see straight, right?
Ughhhhh.... It's just so... like... drinking with people, maybe that's more 'fun' but... alone... for the pure sake of not feeling... thinking... whatever.... maybe that's just a harder activity... That sounds like me...going straight into hardmode without realizing with some things...
I"ve got the physical effects down pat.
I've slapped and smacked and hit myself a few times, and I can kinda feel it.. but it's like... definitely numbed quite a bit... BUt again, that's just the physical stuff... I want the mental stuff damnit >.<
Stop yawning and start suckin' through the straw again. >.<;;
-=-=-==-=-=-=
(Ugh. This tastes gross... there's definitely a certain point where... you're drinking and it like... you don't recognize the 'taste' of alcohol for a bit, but then it comes back full force and it's like 'BAM" gross alcohol stuff again >.<)
Look... I'm still... unfortunately, aware of things enough to know that this really isn't the way things should be.
I used to be against this sorta thing.... [I went 32K/13D in Battlefield 6 Open Beta... is that good? Am I good? I don't know.. do I want to be good? being too good at these sorts of things makes people not want to play with me...
THat's really been a weird thing to... come to terms with? Like.. I don't even like what I'm playing half the time... It's.. boring. It's just "more shit" to do by myself... but thanks to how things work in the modern day with algorithms and whatnot... anytime anyone plays "with me" it puts everyone into a way higher bracket thanks to my perceived "high skill" level, and then everyone I play with has an absolutely miserable time, and as a result just... doesn't want to play with me anymore. Because it's not fun.
Heck... I've even taken to intentionally doing stupid shit just to try and manipulate things.. but.. I get bored...
For example... I played a round of Call of Duty Modern Warfare III (look at me and my drunkeness still able to type that out accurately.. ugh..).. And I INTENTIONALLY did nothing for the majority of the game. I literally went and hid... and then at 3 minutes, rushed out and do what I do... and... I won... wooptidoo? I... hate it... I legitimately hate it... I'm... I'd rather suck and have people to have fun with than be 'good' at something... ~slaps face a few times to re-register thought processes.. or something~
I just dont have fun with anything anymore... Everything i do by myself is just that.. its... by myself and thus... completely meaningless..
Worse than that.. things that REQUIRE people to do things are... always feeling beyond my reach...
I used to enjoy FFXIV... I mean.. come on? It's Final Fantasy. It's been "my thing" since I was 3 years old.. I'm supposed to love it... but... I just can't.. I get to a point where I realize... I'm just... doing a multiplayer thing entirely by myself...
"OH well you should find like minded people to go do things with!" "you should start your own group!" .. i'm.. look... I've been there.. done that... several times over... and it's never gone my way...
no one actually cares about things when doing things with me I guess... it's... like.. okay.. I have a blue mage thing that i... sporadically do on mondays.. it's.. literally the only thing i feel even SLIGHTLY needed for.. and, not only does it not happen most of the time.. for one reason or another.. but.. we've done the exact same things day in and day out for... what.. two years now?
i ... honestly... i hate it.. it's... miserable... its the same thing.. over and over and over and over and over... and it never seems to change... i have to listen to everyone else always talking about how they do this or theyve done that.. and i just... choke down my miserableness having nothing to contribute.. nothing to add... nothing to feel... ...
who can blame them... i .. dont know if iw ant tod o anything with me either... ... how could ie ver expect anyone to want me around when i dont want myself...
im.. so sick and tired of having to do the.. go find people to share common interests withl..... everyones got their groups.. their friends... and im just.. im not part of it... and im not worthy of being part OF it... not in any significant sense... or maybe its just.. i dont know the special code im supposed to do to make things work...
I'm not drinking enough. I can still think. I can still feel... This is.. supposed to numb everything isn't it? It's supposed to be that titular thing that people do... or is that just what they do in TV shows and shit? GO to a bar and drink and drink and drink utnil they don't think, feel, anything... and everything's just... raw and .. out in the open but it.. it doesn't matter... why can't I have that.. just once, eh?
Why do I always.. always have to feel like this...
I'ma' drink a bit more.. force a bit more down my gullet and hope it keeps things going or... pushes it to another level? Maybe I'm tapering off and my metabolism is working too well and I need to overwhelm that.. Is that what you have to do for this? I legitimately don't know >.<;
Im gonn mix another drink... maybe overload it with stuff so that it'll hopefully have a more powerful effect before my body and mind overcome the new obstacle... It's... this is miserable. Everything about this is just.. it's... I'm.. all about trying to find a new 'experience', if just to try and feel it even once... give it to me damnit!
It's 11:30, and I"ve been off and on drinking since.. Iunno... since I got home? 4:30? maybe I just suck at drinking booze. Hah! Wouldn't that be a thing... I gotta.. really just keep... shoving it down til things happen, eh? Well.. still plenty of bottles and stuff left I just... physically don't wanna do this anymore.. but mentally... I .. I dont' want to deal with this... I don't want to have to endure all of this shit. Just for a bit... I don't want to wake up and spend my first few minutes remembering how shit everything feels and start my day off again feeling like... nothing is going to get better...
edven if I try to manifest something better or... push a postivie outlook... I'm.. ... I'm so exhausted... I'm exhausted about everything. I don't know how to handle any of this... I don't.. ... oh who the fuck am I complaining to...
==-=-=-
Alright.. so, I just had an absolute sobbing session all over the bathroom floor, into the bedroom floor and.. talking to myself and thinking to myself and, yet again realizing to myself that no matter how hard I try to shut myself up, I just.. I can't seem to do it.
I laid on the floor, sobbing, moping, trembling, shaking... all of the physical effects, but even at the end of it... anything that spouted out of my mouth I know is just... ... to an audience of no one but myself. I'm whining and bitching to nobody around but my own mind, who is still very much present and thinking its way as hard as it can through all of this, even when it has no answers.
I don't... know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. I don't know ... I can't... I'm.. not allowed to not know, but I'm not allowed to just not think either it seems.
I'm going to force down one more of these... Crown Royal and Cola things and just... .. I guess... probably givbe up on this and go to lay down in bed and dread the morning that will be there to greet me.
I guess this body is only allowed to feel the physical sensations of this... it's.. I suppose it's interesting if I stop to think about it.. but again, maybe I'm just not really forcing it upon myself as much as I think I am? Or maybe, the amount that I'd have to force really is just that drastically high that I couldn't possibly reach without literally feeling sick about it... But then again... despite all the tingling numbness I feel... the amounts of times I've smacked or hit myself in the head or face.. I still feel it.. It might be a little delayed, but... a part of my mental faculty still plays into it just 'wanting' it to work the way I want it to, even though it doesn't actually.
But once thing I can't actually control is how ... blegh this all tastes. Like... I've got these shivers going on all over my bed in spots. Chest and arms in particular where things are shivering and shaking-.. I drink down a bit more and it's.. ugh... like... I "want' to throw up, but I don't actualy want to throw up (because who actually WANTS to throw up) so... I don't, I just get that sensation of... like.. the body momentarily wanting to reject this horrible taste/sensation but... I can still swallow, maintain, control.. and unfortunately think.
I... Well.. at the least, I've lost the plot of what I was doing here, so ... maybe I can count that as a "win' as the endorphins from all that sobbing on the floor kick in and work its way through... "sobering up" unfortunately all throughout and just... ..
Maybe I'll have to suck it up and just do an intense night of shots until I literally can't stomach it and throw up from the ingestion or something... Maybe that's literally what it would take to turn this damn mind of mine off for a while and shut it the hell up for a little bit.
IF anyone does actaully read this... I guess... I'dj ust say.. don't spare too much concern over this... It's not the best thing of all, and it's probably not anything 'delightful' anyone's wanting to put themselves through anyway.. but, on the random sliver of a chance this gets witnessed by someone just... let it.. be...
It's not like...--.. The amount of effort at this point it would take to endure whatever the hell detritus gets spouted from this being is not... it aint worth it. I dont know if any of it at the end is worth the effort anymore. I...
~Night.
So... I guess the TL:DR; or whatnot is ignore as before. This is for me. This is for my mind to purge whatever the hell is going on inside of it it because I don't feel the capability of handling this internally. So, I'm going to put it externally.
I do know I said that before, that this is for me.. I'll explain as best I can, since... while I'm a bit inebriated, and my physical form is pretty, hrm... "affwicted", my mental capacity lingers on. (More on that later perhaps if I recall/remember). So, if this is for me, why do I post this so publicly, you might ask?
Well it's the same reason why I might prefer a PvP enabled WoW server as opposed to a "normal" PvE server. (internal reference to myself right there, eh?) It's that.. random element. That little spark of things I can't control or have any say in whether or not it happens, just something I can react to and... have become an anomaly in my world. I crave anomalies for lack of knowing how to create my own. (Would I want to create my own? Not really. Maybe that's my problem? I don't know what I want anymore? Did I ever?)
I'm going to spout whatever the hell comes out of my mind from here on out so, read on with caution, or.. like before, if you're just curious what the hell this mind creates when left to it's own devices with inhibitions and control checks lowered? I don't know exactly how it works.
I don't know how long this will go on for or if I'm just sputtering a bunch of crap to spit it out of my mouth... but...
Okay, anyway, I'm... intentionally inebriating myself to hopefully reach a new level of... uh... inebriation? Is that good? Probably not, but... look, it's hard for me to even get drunk. This I'm typing right now is after I've been purposefully pushing through drink after drink to reach a level I haven't experienced... and I'm still quite capable of, I think so far, pretty clear speech and typing?
So, at the moment, I feel physical effects, but my mental ~takes a moment to look up the definition of 'acumen' to make sure they're using it right~ "acumen" is still very much functional, intact, and working as intended.
I'm still able to recognize that I'm making a typing mistake and able to backtrack and backspace enough to go fix it, as opposed to just ignoring it, not recognizing it, or simply moving on from whatever I've messed up on.
I'd... like to know what it feels like to have my brain just... turn itself off completely for a while and not care or think about any of these little things... But even drinking a buttload (I don't know, is this a buttload?) of alcohol to inebriate and break myself apart enough to not think anymore... how far do I gotta take this? Is this alright? It's not "alright" in one sense, but.. I mean, come on, plenty of people do this. Tons of people on this Earth do this thing where they drown their sorrows in a bottle, why can't I do it? Well.. I guess genes might have a say in that. It takes an awful lot to get me drunk, and even more to get DRUNK drunk... so... I really have to make a mental note to force myself to keep going, and going and going, otherwise I get bored of doing it, the physical effect of being 'sick' of it kicks in and I just don't wanna do it anymore...
Well, fuck it, alright? I want an experience. If I don't have anything else going for me, let me at least have an experience I've never felt before alright? So---
I'ma-take a break and chug a few more mawfuls (This was "Mouthfuls", but, I'm a furry so I'm gonna make a point to mentally backtrack and change it to mawful to make it... uh... kitschy? because a part of me likes that sorta thing. I like to think of having at least bits and pieces of an identity that goes somewhere.
So, I'ma' pause this here, drink a bit more, and maybe a part of me will remember this and keep going... for SCIENCE! (Heh?)
You ever cried to the song "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell? Well, this is me talking to myself so, yes, of course I have. I just did.
I had a moment where my mental state just full shattered and, I don't know... I guess I'd call it raw emotion peeked through the cracks of this.. containment cell I've built for myself?
I try and sing along with songs that I've scoured through my hard drive for (I know, right? Who the hell has .mp3s downloaded on their hard drive anymore! Everything with streaming is just so convenient... Yeah, well, I started digging through what I have scattered about my hard drives because the internet here really sucks and kicks on and off for no reason sometimes, so... I've been hearing a lot of stuff that I haven't come across for a while, and rather than think about anything else, I'd rather sing along with whatever is playing.
In this moment, I had that song going, and randomly just couldn't control my face as it strains and contorts a bit, until the mental state kicks in to recognize what's going on and put a stop to it.
I gotta drink more. I've felt this loss of physical control before. But, as ever, my mind is ever-present and still able to keep going along with things... Can't I just have that turn off? Just once? Come on. Let me have it at least once to know what it feels like to wake up the next morning and not have recollection of what went on the night previous....
Blackout drunk. I don't understand that. It's... a weird concept to me, since I just haven't ever actually felt that. What's it like? Is it literally like you don't remember things? I always remember things when I wake up. I'm still very much aware of myself when I'm drunk, inebriated, whatever else... It's not like things ever actually fully turn off and just... let things go as they go.
"Go with the flow"... That's not supposed to be a conscious effort to actively ignore things, right?
Oh lord... made me think of my job..
For those of you who don't know... (You're reading this? Or am I making meta commentary for myself again that I'll never actually read...)
---Alright, sidenote. That first time? I really didn't know---
I had to take a moment to go to the bathroom and I forgot what I'm going on about there... uh...
Let's see... "unfortunately" my mental faculties are still very much intact and functioning as normal. I wish I could literally just not think for a while. I really do. X.x
Anyway, went to the bathroom, laid on the floor for a little bit, stared up at the ceiling and the towel nearby... taking a registration of just how much I can still 'focus' if I really try for it... and determined, I'm not anywhere near drunk enough to turn off this damn mind of mine. >.<;
Is it my Irish/Scottish blood? I've had this thought that my genes and such just might be actively against me when it comes to this sort of 'activity', making it far more difficult to reach certain levels that others in this world might achieve easily.
Like, in this moment... I don't really feel like drinking more. I gotta force it down. I gotta make my mental choice to drink more. And if I'm making such a clearly define actual 'choice', then... I'm nowhere near that level of inebriated I hoped to reach, right?
(Boy, if you're reading this... and why, HAH~!, must think this is pretty messed up?
Or is that just my busted thinking, inebriated or not? Like.... (ugh... using "like.." like some sorta 'valley girl' type thing... ... Actually... "valley girl"... that's kind of a Utah way of describing things, I think... is that universal? Or does everyone else have a different way of describing that, like, stupid way of, like, thinking and talking, where, like,, you use, 'like' to like, pause between like, everything you like, say? ("where everything ends in an upward inflection?") And yeah... I did all that on purpose...
Damnit, I can still think. Just let me stop thinking! >.< I don't wanna think anymore. Thinking and feeling has led to just more and more heartache, mindache, psyche-ache, and pain in general. Ugh... I don't know what I"m going on about anymore ... maybe that's a good thing?
More ... whatever comes up in music and.. more drinking please! Turn more systems off! Overload! Buffer overload! RAM overload! CPU overload! Generic Computer Hacker Term Overload, etc. etc.! Hah~
~drinks a bit more for a bit!~
(If I can still think to myself enough to make myself mentally decide that my physical form should reach for the cup and suck down a bit more through the straw.. I haven't yet reached anywhere near to the point I'm trying to reach. >.< (Like (dumb "valley girl"), I'm still backspacing and fixing spelling errors as I come across 'em in front of my face, and I think I can still type more or less coherently, so... yeah, a long way to fuckin' go. >.<)
=-=-=-=-=-=
~randomly has "Aerial" by System of a Down going on~
Ugh.... I can still recognize spelling mistakes. (I say that, but I constantly think back to... what if I've missed something already? I'm not willing to go back and actually check, but moment to moment, I'm still seeing when I type the wrong character, I think, more often than not and still able to coherently go back and fix what I've fucked up.)
It's a stupid thing to be thinking about, isn't it? Whether or not you're typing correctly when you're talking to yourself? Am I really talking to myself?
Or is this some attention seeking ploy that I just put out there in the hopes that some "anomaly" will come my way that will last more than short term and manage to break through whatever clay walls I've put up around myself.... ... Maybe there's a part of me that thinks that way. I think.... Ugh.. I can still think... damn... gotta... force more of this nasty ass alcohol down my throat... Come on, man? This is what people do right? Like... not the usual people, but the sorta person you see in your story or scene of someone in a bar trying to 'down their sorrows' so to speak right?
I truly hate my mind... I really do... It's like it actively goes against me and everything I think I might have wanted at one point, so that I've been so ... flustered, broken, unfocused... I don't know.. all of those things? that I literally can't figure out what I want anymore. (I know I didn't capitalize a T over there... or am I, myself the only one to notice such a small trivial detail? )
=-==-=
Gonna move on a little here to whatever else comes into my mind. Maybe I'll try this next bit whithout looking at the screen.. I'll probably make a lot more spelling mistakeks then. I hink (nah, I know, I glanced up.... ) more mistakes than usual, so.. mayube that's what I gotta do? Do I have to ACTIVELY tell myself not to look up and try and fix everything? Do I have to literlaly force myself into a situation that I can't backspace? I can't delete.? I can't go back and scan for errors?
I don't think that that's realy fair though... This is just a physical probelm. The mind is still ther.e I might not be able to see, register, go back andf ix, all the things Im doing wrong here, but my m ind is still aware that i"m not accurate enough to actually be saying things properly, correctly... etc. (I"ms till catching mysefl glancing up every so often, and... then I gotta sit there and think for a second or two about hwere I"m at in my typing... and then it's a mental problem... ugyh.... I don't want mental problems!@
SHut up mind! SHut the fuck up and let things be for once!
Just...
Alright... Physical.. I got that sorta numb, tingly feeling everyehwere.. that's stage of drunken-ness right? (ho lord, what kinda attention seeking creeature has to keep pointing out all this shit, eh? )
ANd yes, if it wasn't obvious, I have an extremely low opionion of myself, and it gets lower every day.. (Wah wah wah... cry me a river for myself, because no one else is going to take the time, and effort, and expend the emotional capacity to care, eh? ) That's kinda woe iws me right there isn't it? Yeah, it is...
IOt's for myself though I promise... DO I promise? Are my promiesses meaningless?
Where was I.. Oh.. physical effects..
Okay... tingling.. numbness... Uh... accuracy is definitely taking a hit... I'm not as accuaret, especially when I'm purposefully closing my eyes and just letting things go as they go... I can still feel my fingers hitting the wrong keys constantly a and I know I'm not being as accurfate as I should be.. but... I have to force mysedlf to actively NOT go bnack and fix it... (This looks like a bunch of gibberish, and I know it does, but I'm ... like I said.. PURPOSEFULLY not goingb ack and fixing anything. I'm closign my eyes, and not looking at whatever it is i'm typing up. (I'm noticitng I didn't capitalize that right now)...
Okay.. overhwlem the mind with too much shit to go back and fix... that's... a way to get it to just give up on this whole "thinking" thing right?
Shu8t up Slitz, y['big ikdiot... hah.. idiot... if only... Such a blissfull existenc e idiots have, eh? THey don't hage to worry or think or care about whatever... just keep going as they go...
----
Alright uh... where am I/
I'mn not looking, and the music has stopped, and I'm; typing in silence, and with a really broken train of thought, and extremely inaccurate fingers... and yet, I'm still able think damnit... more drinking... Gotta force a bit mroe down the hatfc... ugh.... I dont' know where that fucked up so.. "DOWN THE HATCH!" Is that right? maybe... I think I missed a quotation mark...
Drinking a bit more, even though by now.. I"ve reached the point where I'm bored of it, it doesn't taste good, it doesn't feel good... I just gotta... ... force that mental decisiont o do it again... and again.. and again... ! X>.x
-=--=-=
I grow weary of these physical effects... WHere's the mental effects I'm supposed to have that deteriorate further and further through this venture.
I just dont' feel like it's fair... that I have to be curseed with this mind that won't let itself go...
I can still feel and analyize everything going on around me. I can still feel each part of myself. I can recognize that I'm drunk. I can recognize that my physical accuracy has lowered, but I can still see straight.
Isn't that supposed to be one of those things that gets described? "Can't see straight" is a thing isn't it?
LIke... Iunless I willfully play into it, Ic an still focus myself enough to see what I'm doing. I might not be able to do it the most accurately... Like... If I were pulled over or some shit, and told to walk a straight line.. I (probably) couldn't do it,.. but I'd be fully aware of the fact that I can't do it. Like if I was told to bne completely honest, I'd very blatantly say I can't do it.
In fact... lemme try... (Yeah, totally trust me bro, I'll give you accurate information. Lemme try and walk a straight line and give my best judgement of things)
Yeah so this floor here is made up of like.. "planks" of fake wood, and I can definitely still follow a straight line. I most definitely wobble a bit and have to "hold my balance' with a little arm flailing, but I can still walk the line pretty damn straight...
I'm ... ugh.. how much do I have to fuckin' drink? How much DO people drink? Am I maybe just really underestimating how much it takes for people to reach those levels?
OH, I guess I should say, (to myself..? Yeah right, lol) that I don't do shots. I... can't actually stand the taste of alcohol, it's disgusting so.. I prefer a mixed drink...
I'm... I"ve bdrunk.. let's see... we'll say a 1/5th of vodka, and almost half a bottle of cheap rum?
That's .. is that not that much? I guess those might be rookie numbers if I can see straight, right?
Ughhhhh.... It's just so... like... drinking with people, maybe that's more 'fun' but... alone... for the pure sake of not feeling... thinking... whatever.... maybe that's just a harder activity... That sounds like me...going straight into hardmode without realizing with some things...
I"ve got the physical effects down pat.
I've slapped and smacked and hit myself a few times, and I can kinda feel it.. but it's like... definitely numbed quite a bit... BUt again, that's just the physical stuff... I want the mental stuff damnit >.<
Stop yawning and start suckin' through the straw again. >.<;;
-=-=-==-=-=-=
(Ugh. This tastes gross... there's definitely a certain point where... you're drinking and it like... you don't recognize the 'taste' of alcohol for a bit, but then it comes back full force and it's like 'BAM" gross alcohol stuff again >.<)
Look... I'm still... unfortunately, aware of things enough to know that this really isn't the way things should be.
I used to be against this sorta thing.... [I went 32K/13D in Battlefield 6 Open Beta... is that good? Am I good? I don't know.. do I want to be good? being too good at these sorts of things makes people not want to play with me...
THat's really been a weird thing to... come to terms with? Like.. I don't even like what I'm playing half the time... It's.. boring. It's just "more shit" to do by myself... but thanks to how things work in the modern day with algorithms and whatnot... anytime anyone plays "with me" it puts everyone into a way higher bracket thanks to my perceived "high skill" level, and then everyone I play with has an absolutely miserable time, and as a result just... doesn't want to play with me anymore. Because it's not fun.
Heck... I've even taken to intentionally doing stupid shit just to try and manipulate things.. but.. I get bored...
For example... I played a round of Call of Duty Modern Warfare III (look at me and my drunkeness still able to type that out accurately.. ugh..).. And I INTENTIONALLY did nothing for the majority of the game. I literally went and hid... and then at 3 minutes, rushed out and do what I do... and... I won... wooptidoo? I... hate it... I legitimately hate it... I'm... I'd rather suck and have people to have fun with than be 'good' at something... ~slaps face a few times to re-register thought processes.. or something~
I just dont have fun with anything anymore... Everything i do by myself is just that.. its... by myself and thus... completely meaningless..
Worse than that.. things that REQUIRE people to do things are... always feeling beyond my reach...
I used to enjoy FFXIV... I mean.. come on? It's Final Fantasy. It's been "my thing" since I was 3 years old.. I'm supposed to love it... but... I just can't.. I get to a point where I realize... I'm just... doing a multiplayer thing entirely by myself...
"OH well you should find like minded people to go do things with!" "you should start your own group!" .. i'm.. look... I've been there.. done that... several times over... and it's never gone my way...
no one actually cares about things when doing things with me I guess... it's... like.. okay.. I have a blue mage thing that i... sporadically do on mondays.. it's.. literally the only thing i feel even SLIGHTLY needed for.. and, not only does it not happen most of the time.. for one reason or another.. but.. we've done the exact same things day in and day out for... what.. two years now?
i ... honestly... i hate it.. it's... miserable... its the same thing.. over and over and over and over and over... and it never seems to change... i have to listen to everyone else always talking about how they do this or theyve done that.. and i just... choke down my miserableness having nothing to contribute.. nothing to add... nothing to feel... ...
who can blame them... i .. dont know if iw ant tod o anything with me either... ... how could ie ver expect anyone to want me around when i dont want myself...
im.. so sick and tired of having to do the.. go find people to share common interests withl..... everyones got their groups.. their friends... and im just.. im not part of it... and im not worthy of being part OF it... not in any significant sense... or maybe its just.. i dont know the special code im supposed to do to make things work...
I'm not drinking enough. I can still think. I can still feel... This is.. supposed to numb everything isn't it? It's supposed to be that titular thing that people do... or is that just what they do in TV shows and shit? GO to a bar and drink and drink and drink utnil they don't think, feel, anything... and everything's just... raw and .. out in the open but it.. it doesn't matter... why can't I have that.. just once, eh?
Why do I always.. always have to feel like this...
I'ma' drink a bit more.. force a bit more down my gullet and hope it keeps things going or... pushes it to another level? Maybe I'm tapering off and my metabolism is working too well and I need to overwhelm that.. Is that what you have to do for this? I legitimately don't know >.<;
Im gonn mix another drink... maybe overload it with stuff so that it'll hopefully have a more powerful effect before my body and mind overcome the new obstacle... It's... this is miserable. Everything about this is just.. it's... I'm.. all about trying to find a new 'experience', if just to try and feel it even once... give it to me damnit!
It's 11:30, and I"ve been off and on drinking since.. Iunno... since I got home? 4:30? maybe I just suck at drinking booze. Hah! Wouldn't that be a thing... I gotta.. really just keep... shoving it down til things happen, eh? Well.. still plenty of bottles and stuff left I just... physically don't wanna do this anymore.. but mentally... I .. I dont' want to deal with this... I don't want to have to endure all of this shit. Just for a bit... I don't want to wake up and spend my first few minutes remembering how shit everything feels and start my day off again feeling like... nothing is going to get better...
edven if I try to manifest something better or... push a postivie outlook... I'm.. ... I'm so exhausted... I'm exhausted about everything. I don't know how to handle any of this... I don't.. ... oh who the fuck am I complaining to...
==-=-=-
Alright.. so, I just had an absolute sobbing session all over the bathroom floor, into the bedroom floor and.. talking to myself and thinking to myself and, yet again realizing to myself that no matter how hard I try to shut myself up, I just.. I can't seem to do it.
I laid on the floor, sobbing, moping, trembling, shaking... all of the physical effects, but even at the end of it... anything that spouted out of my mouth I know is just... ... to an audience of no one but myself. I'm whining and bitching to nobody around but my own mind, who is still very much present and thinking its way as hard as it can through all of this, even when it has no answers.
I don't... know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. I don't know ... I can't... I'm.. not allowed to not know, but I'm not allowed to just not think either it seems.
I'm going to force down one more of these... Crown Royal and Cola things and just... .. I guess... probably givbe up on this and go to lay down in bed and dread the morning that will be there to greet me.
I guess this body is only allowed to feel the physical sensations of this... it's.. I suppose it's interesting if I stop to think about it.. but again, maybe I'm just not really forcing it upon myself as much as I think I am? Or maybe, the amount that I'd have to force really is just that drastically high that I couldn't possibly reach without literally feeling sick about it... But then again... despite all the tingling numbness I feel... the amounts of times I've smacked or hit myself in the head or face.. I still feel it.. It might be a little delayed, but... a part of my mental faculty still plays into it just 'wanting' it to work the way I want it to, even though it doesn't actually.
But once thing I can't actually control is how ... blegh this all tastes. Like... I've got these shivers going on all over my bed in spots. Chest and arms in particular where things are shivering and shaking-.. I drink down a bit more and it's.. ugh... like... I "want' to throw up, but I don't actualy want to throw up (because who actually WANTS to throw up) so... I don't, I just get that sensation of... like.. the body momentarily wanting to reject this horrible taste/sensation but... I can still swallow, maintain, control.. and unfortunately think.
I... Well.. at the least, I've lost the plot of what I was doing here, so ... maybe I can count that as a "win' as the endorphins from all that sobbing on the floor kick in and work its way through... "sobering up" unfortunately all throughout and just... ..
Maybe I'll have to suck it up and just do an intense night of shots until I literally can't stomach it and throw up from the ingestion or something... Maybe that's literally what it would take to turn this damn mind of mine off for a while and shut it the hell up for a little bit.
IF anyone does actaully read this... I guess... I'dj ust say.. don't spare too much concern over this... It's not the best thing of all, and it's probably not anything 'delightful' anyone's wanting to put themselves through anyway.. but, on the random sliver of a chance this gets witnessed by someone just... let it.. be...
It's not like...--.. The amount of effort at this point it would take to endure whatever the hell detritus gets spouted from this being is not... it aint worth it. I dont know if any of it at the end is worth the effort anymore. I...
~Night.
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