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A Serious Journal Update
3 weeks ago
A heads up to those who actually bother to read this, this journal is going to delve into some serious topics that showcase where I have been mentally as of late, and it will be a little heavy, so CW for that
In addition, to be as direct as I can, I am not asking for sympathy or advice from others, I realize that my route to self-improvement is 100% my responsibility as much as I appreciate the notion otherwise.
This is a rare instance where I have to take the mask off and be vulnerable for a second, because I've let myself bottle my own feelings for far too long and it's reaching a boiling point and I have nowhere else to turn to offload things. Apologies also if I have not been responding to people online as well, that has been a symptom of my mental state. As many of you are aware (at least to those who still keep up with my twitter account), in September of last year I lost my apartment with my boyfriend after losing my job and being unable to find new work at that point. Things are better now that I've got both a job and a place to live, but the weight of losing a place to live TWICE really starts to take a toll on a person after a while. It's gotten to the point where I feel I have genuinely developed an anxiety disorder and CPTSD from various events which I will not go into detail here that I have had to put up with all my life, and it's deeply affected my commissions and why I still haven't had the chance to be able to clear out my queue, so I deeply apologize for taking so long even now while I am trying my hardest to clear that out with my available time and energy.
It's in this onslaught of anxiety that I'm realizing that I haven't been able to talk to almost anyone about these anxieties, because for as long as I have been alive, I have been forced to internalize my own thoughts and feelings because I was repeatedly told by those around me growing up that, 'Oh, you don't have it as bad as others in the world, you're just being selfish,' which in turn has led into this incredibly self-destructive behavior of not wanting to speak about my personal issues because I have convinced myself that everyone else's issues are more important or serious than my own. And worse yet, sometimes I feel like I cannot be vulnerable to people online, because I feel like I can't tell anymore who online actually wants to engage with me the person versus the persona I live through online which adds to the weight of my anxieties
The truth is, I haven't been okay for months, and I'm tired of lying to myself that I am okay, I've been hurting ever since I lost both my apartments during COVID and last year and it's been weighing down on my conscience to the point that I've had whole nights I cannot sleep because the memories of losing everything I've been able to build up to being lost overnight keeps replaying in my mind, over and over and over again. The anxiety builds up, the fear of losing everything strikes again, and i start panicking. It has gotten to a point where I have up and broken down badly, several times because the grim reality of where I am now must shine onto me like a spotlight I cannot get rid of.. It's a cycle that's been miserable to deal with. And I'm realizing that I genuinely, desperately need to be able to let out how I feel or else I will spiral into something far worse. I want to be able to make things right with my life again and yet, I drown in nothing but uncertainties and question marks. Will I ever be able to get out of this rut? Will I ever be able to have a place for myself again? Will I ever get that stability I so long for desperately? And despite all this, I feel like I have to mask myself in front of friends, because surely, my issues aren't that bad; it could always be worse, right?
I realize I cannot fix my problems by myself forever, I genuinely need to seek professional help because my anxieties have actively been hurting my life and feeling crippled by the constant thoughts of the past, and of dying, and of the relentless uncertanties really cannot be understated how much that takes a toll on me. But until I get to that point, all I can do now is just get this off my chest to FINALLY have the burden of unbottling my feelings out ease up. Again I am not asking for anyone's sympathy, I just want to be heard and understood. But I know that throughout all this, there's still a light at the end of the tunnel; there's still that strand of optimism that carries me through this and shows me that, it's not over until it's really over. At the end of the day, I sincerely appreciate my closest friends who have been there with me from the start, and most of all my boyfriend, who I genuinely don't know where I would be now if he wasn't there for my darkest moments. Thank you for hearing me out, and I'm sorry that this journal was a bit on the heavy side, but I certainly feel more at ease now that I've been able to type this all out. Love y'all.
- Jeff
In addition, to be as direct as I can, I am not asking for sympathy or advice from others, I realize that my route to self-improvement is 100% my responsibility as much as I appreciate the notion otherwise.
This is a rare instance where I have to take the mask off and be vulnerable for a second, because I've let myself bottle my own feelings for far too long and it's reaching a boiling point and I have nowhere else to turn to offload things. Apologies also if I have not been responding to people online as well, that has been a symptom of my mental state. As many of you are aware (at least to those who still keep up with my twitter account), in September of last year I lost my apartment with my boyfriend after losing my job and being unable to find new work at that point. Things are better now that I've got both a job and a place to live, but the weight of losing a place to live TWICE really starts to take a toll on a person after a while. It's gotten to the point where I feel I have genuinely developed an anxiety disorder and CPTSD from various events which I will not go into detail here that I have had to put up with all my life, and it's deeply affected my commissions and why I still haven't had the chance to be able to clear out my queue, so I deeply apologize for taking so long even now while I am trying my hardest to clear that out with my available time and energy.
It's in this onslaught of anxiety that I'm realizing that I haven't been able to talk to almost anyone about these anxieties, because for as long as I have been alive, I have been forced to internalize my own thoughts and feelings because I was repeatedly told by those around me growing up that, 'Oh, you don't have it as bad as others in the world, you're just being selfish,' which in turn has led into this incredibly self-destructive behavior of not wanting to speak about my personal issues because I have convinced myself that everyone else's issues are more important or serious than my own. And worse yet, sometimes I feel like I cannot be vulnerable to people online, because I feel like I can't tell anymore who online actually wants to engage with me the person versus the persona I live through online which adds to the weight of my anxieties
The truth is, I haven't been okay for months, and I'm tired of lying to myself that I am okay, I've been hurting ever since I lost both my apartments during COVID and last year and it's been weighing down on my conscience to the point that I've had whole nights I cannot sleep because the memories of losing everything I've been able to build up to being lost overnight keeps replaying in my mind, over and over and over again. The anxiety builds up, the fear of losing everything strikes again, and i start panicking. It has gotten to a point where I have up and broken down badly, several times because the grim reality of where I am now must shine onto me like a spotlight I cannot get rid of.. It's a cycle that's been miserable to deal with. And I'm realizing that I genuinely, desperately need to be able to let out how I feel or else I will spiral into something far worse. I want to be able to make things right with my life again and yet, I drown in nothing but uncertainties and question marks. Will I ever be able to get out of this rut? Will I ever be able to have a place for myself again? Will I ever get that stability I so long for desperately? And despite all this, I feel like I have to mask myself in front of friends, because surely, my issues aren't that bad; it could always be worse, right?
I realize I cannot fix my problems by myself forever, I genuinely need to seek professional help because my anxieties have actively been hurting my life and feeling crippled by the constant thoughts of the past, and of dying, and of the relentless uncertanties really cannot be understated how much that takes a toll on me. But until I get to that point, all I can do now is just get this off my chest to FINALLY have the burden of unbottling my feelings out ease up. Again I am not asking for anyone's sympathy, I just want to be heard and understood. But I know that throughout all this, there's still a light at the end of the tunnel; there's still that strand of optimism that carries me through this and shows me that, it's not over until it's really over. At the end of the day, I sincerely appreciate my closest friends who have been there with me from the start, and most of all my boyfriend, who I genuinely don't know where I would be now if he wasn't there for my darkest moments. Thank you for hearing me out, and I'm sorry that this journal was a bit on the heavy side, but I certainly feel more at ease now that I've been able to type this all out. Love y'all.
- Jeff
Sno
~snoistaken
I had no idea you were going through so much, if you ever need anything im here for you ❤️
Irenus
~irenus
Definitely heard CPTSD is a bitch and that dreadful feeling of putting like literally everybody else problems in front of or as more important then yours no matter how much it really really hurts. You've done good getting your feelings out, you can do this!!
YoshiEmblem
~yoshiemblem
Hey, I'm wishing the best for you, Jeff. My DMs are always open if you want to talk, but I just want you to know that I'm absolutely pulling for you and hoping you get the good days you absolutely deserve as soon as possible.
