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Burnout
3 months ago
General
No, nevermind. Forget being “burned out.” I’m fucking vaporized. There’s nothing left.
Y’know, art is hard. Really hard. This is probably because I’m actually a talentless hack who struggles to do everything that all other artists do in their sleep, but the end result is I take ten times longer and expend ten times the effort to do what ends up being mediocre at best work while working on an underpowered tablet (and using a barely-functional brain).
But at least I finish things, right?
Pfft, doesn’t end up mattering. Sure I start out inspired, and I might even be happy with the end result. That’s been the case for the last few pics. But each pic takes so much effort and struggle that I end up burning through that inspiration as it’s gradually replaced by frustration at being unable to do what I want to do - little things like SET UP A POSE or draw something resembling good anatomy. I’m really quite bad at this, you see. Eventually it gets to the point that I’m only finishing a pic because someone else “might” enjoy it, so I finish it, and post it.
To silence.
While everything else posted AROUND my art gets input, feedback and praise. But my art? It might as well not even be there for how people just wholesale skip over it and either completely fail to notice it or just ignore it. And I’m talking about in Discord feeds, folks. People SEE my work. I see art that’s getting feedback, I post mine, nothing happens, then eventually more art is posted and THAT gets feedback. Mine is ignored. Sure, I might like my work, but it’s kinda hard to maintain that feeling when NO ONE BOTHERS TO NOTICE.
And here on FA? It’s fucking amazing if anyone even notices I exist. Bluesky is much the same.
Look I know I’m not very diverse in my subject matter lately. There’s a reason for that: First of all, I’m not very inspired to do much else. Second of all I OBVIOUSLY NEED THE PRACTICE. My art is garbage on multiple levels, which I guess is why no one cares about it, even though I feel like it’s better than a lot of stuff that gets FAR more response. My effort has to count for SOMETHING, doesn’t it?
Ehh, apparently not.
I can’t draw right now. There’s no drive. No skill. No reason. I thought the Firelight Series would have been fun, since believe it or not it’s been a long time since I’ve actually drawn Lynceus banging his wife. I thought it would have been a fun treat for me. But it’s… just not. I’m pouring my feelings into my work through my shitty not-skills and I had hoped my drive and passion for what I do would shine through. Apparently it doesn’t, and/or no one cares. Which is valid, no one is truly required to care whether I live or die and I’m not really supposed to be doing art for other people anyway. I’m supposed to be doing it for myself. I know that, it’s what I tell my wife.
But I understand why one has to be reminded of that. You have to draw for your own satisfaction. But is it so damn wrong to want a little affirmation? Especially when everyone ELSE is getting it, even when they’re seemingly putting in far less effort? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? Everything, probably. That’s very on brand for me.
I’m not satisfied with my work because I’m unhappy with my own exponentially increasing failings in art. So what’s left? I’m impatient so practicing on something that isn’t going to turn into a full picture feels like a waste of time. This is hard and I want RESULTS for my effort, dammit. It’s not fun. It’s not relaxing. It’s WORK. I do enough of that already. And let’s not even get started on the fact that GenAI adds a brand new layer of shit on top of the whole situation. I’m never going to touch the use of AI - fuck that - but my already insignificant existence is trivialized even further.
And let’s not even get started on my writing. No one EVER cared about THAT. Why would I feel any desire to REWRITE A 150,000 WORD BOOK when NO ONE IS GOING TO READ IT ANYWAY.
I’m sitting on a fucking desert island showing pictures to the sky. What’s the point? Why bother? Why work to get better when I have zero faith that I actually WILL get better, and when no one’s going to give a shit anyway? And let’s not even get into the nazis in power trying to censor everything they possibly can.
“Just take a break,” people might say. And I guess I will. But the problem there is now I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to DO with myself. Probably just quietly turn into an increasing event horizon of resentfulness about how everyone else’s art is SO AMAZING to other people while mine is just IGNORED.
Whatever. I’ll just try to recover for the next wave of ideas no one will give the slightest shit about. Because I don’t matter, and I never did. I’ll be back at some point, not that anyone will even notice. No one’s even going to read this anyway unless I specifically show it to them.
No one should be this emotionally exhausted at 8 AM. I want to go sleep for a week.
Y’know, art is hard. Really hard. This is probably because I’m actually a talentless hack who struggles to do everything that all other artists do in their sleep, but the end result is I take ten times longer and expend ten times the effort to do what ends up being mediocre at best work while working on an underpowered tablet (and using a barely-functional brain).
But at least I finish things, right?
Pfft, doesn’t end up mattering. Sure I start out inspired, and I might even be happy with the end result. That’s been the case for the last few pics. But each pic takes so much effort and struggle that I end up burning through that inspiration as it’s gradually replaced by frustration at being unable to do what I want to do - little things like SET UP A POSE or draw something resembling good anatomy. I’m really quite bad at this, you see. Eventually it gets to the point that I’m only finishing a pic because someone else “might” enjoy it, so I finish it, and post it.
To silence.
While everything else posted AROUND my art gets input, feedback and praise. But my art? It might as well not even be there for how people just wholesale skip over it and either completely fail to notice it or just ignore it. And I’m talking about in Discord feeds, folks. People SEE my work. I see art that’s getting feedback, I post mine, nothing happens, then eventually more art is posted and THAT gets feedback. Mine is ignored. Sure, I might like my work, but it’s kinda hard to maintain that feeling when NO ONE BOTHERS TO NOTICE.
And here on FA? It’s fucking amazing if anyone even notices I exist. Bluesky is much the same.
Look I know I’m not very diverse in my subject matter lately. There’s a reason for that: First of all, I’m not very inspired to do much else. Second of all I OBVIOUSLY NEED THE PRACTICE. My art is garbage on multiple levels, which I guess is why no one cares about it, even though I feel like it’s better than a lot of stuff that gets FAR more response. My effort has to count for SOMETHING, doesn’t it?
Ehh, apparently not.
I can’t draw right now. There’s no drive. No skill. No reason. I thought the Firelight Series would have been fun, since believe it or not it’s been a long time since I’ve actually drawn Lynceus banging his wife. I thought it would have been a fun treat for me. But it’s… just not. I’m pouring my feelings into my work through my shitty not-skills and I had hoped my drive and passion for what I do would shine through. Apparently it doesn’t, and/or no one cares. Which is valid, no one is truly required to care whether I live or die and I’m not really supposed to be doing art for other people anyway. I’m supposed to be doing it for myself. I know that, it’s what I tell my wife.
But I understand why one has to be reminded of that. You have to draw for your own satisfaction. But is it so damn wrong to want a little affirmation? Especially when everyone ELSE is getting it, even when they’re seemingly putting in far less effort? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? Everything, probably. That’s very on brand for me.
I’m not satisfied with my work because I’m unhappy with my own exponentially increasing failings in art. So what’s left? I’m impatient so practicing on something that isn’t going to turn into a full picture feels like a waste of time. This is hard and I want RESULTS for my effort, dammit. It’s not fun. It’s not relaxing. It’s WORK. I do enough of that already. And let’s not even get started on the fact that GenAI adds a brand new layer of shit on top of the whole situation. I’m never going to touch the use of AI - fuck that - but my already insignificant existence is trivialized even further.
And let’s not even get started on my writing. No one EVER cared about THAT. Why would I feel any desire to REWRITE A 150,000 WORD BOOK when NO ONE IS GOING TO READ IT ANYWAY.
I’m sitting on a fucking desert island showing pictures to the sky. What’s the point? Why bother? Why work to get better when I have zero faith that I actually WILL get better, and when no one’s going to give a shit anyway? And let’s not even get into the nazis in power trying to censor everything they possibly can.
“Just take a break,” people might say. And I guess I will. But the problem there is now I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to DO with myself. Probably just quietly turn into an increasing event horizon of resentfulness about how everyone else’s art is SO AMAZING to other people while mine is just IGNORED.
Whatever. I’ll just try to recover for the next wave of ideas no one will give the slightest shit about. Because I don’t matter, and I never did. I’ll be back at some point, not that anyone will even notice. No one’s even going to read this anyway unless I specifically show it to them.
No one should be this emotionally exhausted at 8 AM. I want to go sleep for a week.
