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The Fourth Journal
6 days ago
I’ve never been much of a journalist, but here we are…
Hiya 👋^ω^
I have a habit of putting my thoughts and feelings off. Typically I just hop on YouTube or play videogames to distract myself. I have friends who notice changes in my personality and offer to lend an ear; and I tell them I'll let them know...but lately I haven't done that, either. I occupy myself to the point of being very uninterested to revisit my emotions. I don't know why I tend to bottle up my emotions. And like, I don't do it all the time, either. I have a best friend whom I'm very comfortable telling how I feel. Where am I going with this? I guess I can't be entirely sure, but I haven't been feeling like myself, lately.
If there's one thing I find myself struggling with more than I thought, it's thinking about myself. I had told a couple folks I found myself "thinking along narcissistic lines", but I also don't know if that's the best way to explain it. Could be. I should clarify that I'm talking about the online sphere. Not to say that none of this relates to me in real life, but I'm just talking about my online presence. But anyway, yeah, thinking about myself.
I definitely struggle with feeling left out. I have to continuously tell myself that, like the MCU Ancient One tells Strange, "It's not about you." It's not about me. I'm just another furry on the internet. And even still, I have plenty of friends. There's people who care about me, y'know? It really is so easy to get wrapped up in this grind of...grasping for attention. For more, I guess. More attention, more art, more friends, more servers... Sometimes, every other day, I look at my Discord friends list and go, wow, I have that many friends? And please don't get me wrong. Words can't fully express how thankful I am for my friends. And on that note, I'm friends with some really cool people I first encountered on here. People I thought I'd never be friends with because I wasn't popular enough, or "cool" enough, or anything like that. So to all of you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I think I rambled off there? What I was meaning to say is that I am enough and that I have enough. Do I wanna keep making friends? Of course. Do I wanna continue joining servers that I want to join? Also of course. But at the same time, I need to be content with what I have, where I am, and the people around me. But sometimes that's hard, and that's OK—we're not perfect, and it's totally fine to wanna join new communities and make new friends.
But I feel like I'm going way off course again...
I'm still figuring out how I need to work on myself. I don't think I've consciously taken a real break from being online. Maybe it's a sign of maturity to be able to step back for a while.
Anyway, thank you for reading my fourth journal. I never really spilled my recent thoughts anywhere, so today I thought, why not here. There's more I could talk about, but I think...I'm beginning to feel better by putting this out there. Lifting off a couple weights, I suppose.
...off of my flattened self, eheh-
I have a habit of putting my thoughts and feelings off. Typically I just hop on YouTube or play videogames to distract myself. I have friends who notice changes in my personality and offer to lend an ear; and I tell them I'll let them know...but lately I haven't done that, either. I occupy myself to the point of being very uninterested to revisit my emotions. I don't know why I tend to bottle up my emotions. And like, I don't do it all the time, either. I have a best friend whom I'm very comfortable telling how I feel. Where am I going with this? I guess I can't be entirely sure, but I haven't been feeling like myself, lately.
If there's one thing I find myself struggling with more than I thought, it's thinking about myself. I had told a couple folks I found myself "thinking along narcissistic lines", but I also don't know if that's the best way to explain it. Could be. I should clarify that I'm talking about the online sphere. Not to say that none of this relates to me in real life, but I'm just talking about my online presence. But anyway, yeah, thinking about myself.
I definitely struggle with feeling left out. I have to continuously tell myself that, like the MCU Ancient One tells Strange, "It's not about you." It's not about me. I'm just another furry on the internet. And even still, I have plenty of friends. There's people who care about me, y'know? It really is so easy to get wrapped up in this grind of...grasping for attention. For more, I guess. More attention, more art, more friends, more servers... Sometimes, every other day, I look at my Discord friends list and go, wow, I have that many friends? And please don't get me wrong. Words can't fully express how thankful I am for my friends. And on that note, I'm friends with some really cool people I first encountered on here. People I thought I'd never be friends with because I wasn't popular enough, or "cool" enough, or anything like that. So to all of you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I think I rambled off there? What I was meaning to say is that I am enough and that I have enough. Do I wanna keep making friends? Of course. Do I wanna continue joining servers that I want to join? Also of course. But at the same time, I need to be content with what I have, where I am, and the people around me. But sometimes that's hard, and that's OK—we're not perfect, and it's totally fine to wanna join new communities and make new friends.
But I feel like I'm going way off course again...
I'm still figuring out how I need to work on myself. I don't think I've consciously taken a real break from being online. Maybe it's a sign of maturity to be able to step back for a while.
Anyway, thank you for reading my fourth journal. I never really spilled my recent thoughts anywhere, so today I thought, why not here. There's more I could talk about, but I think...I'm beginning to feel better by putting this out there. Lifting off a couple weights, I suppose.
...off of my flattened self, eheh-
