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Self Reflection: The way I approach social life these days
2 months ago
General
A heads up first - if you're already stressed, put this journal down and leave it for later because while I think this is interesting to share, it also covers some things that can make people anxious.
I've been told by two people so far that I've become "scary". People say all sorts of things, but the fact that I've been told this twice now has made me stop and think; what's going on? What's different?
The shift I've noticed is that I've been focusing on quality over quantity.
As I meet different people, I experienced the best and the worst of social life. But the worst social incidents completely changed the way I see social life. I used to believe that everyone can be friends, everything can be talked out, that everyone can be trusted to show a basic consideration to other human beings. But clearly that is not the case; one bad egg can poison a friend group and destroy psychological safety, people can fight and introduce a layer of discomfort in a social circle. And the worst bad eggs aren't easy to spot; they're charismatic and tend to treat popular people differently, more kindly - telling them all sorts of things they want to hear.
My mind is such that I tend to want to prevent bad things from happening. I don't want to spend months of a friendship and end having someone who betrays me and screws off. I also don't want to remain lasse affair like I used to in any group I moderate or am part of. This sent me down a rabbit hole of analyzing, how do people think? How do I think?
One thing stood out to me the most in terms of determining the quality of a person as a friend, and that's how much rupture they introduce vs. how much rupture they repair. I developed an internal compass for who I gravitate towards and who I avoid, because in my life, I feel like I've had too much stress; that I've compensated and worked around other people's quirks for too long - and now I've adopted the attitude that people ultimately need to pull their weight too when it comes to being part of a group or friend that I spend time with. There are certain things that are just not ok to say or do, and if they are done, there needs to be an effort into fixing the damage.
Some people become uncomfortable when someone is evaluating them, noticing every behavior. This would make sense to worry about if someone very trigger-happy is doing this kind of evaluation. This also makes sense for someone to worry if they themselves find themselves in a pattern of bad social interactions over and over again, and know on some level that they're going to get filtered out by this internal gauge on a person's integrity.
But over months of reflection I've come to the conclusion that, yeah, I'm not being ridiculous here - there are basic things that should be universal constants in friendship or group behavior. We shouldn't have to be in a voice chat in fear that someone is going to call us a pedo. We shouldn't have to second-guess whether a friendship is real by spending months with someone who you thought was a warm friend only for them to turn to you and say "uh, actually you're kind of scary because of your penchant for direct conflict", showing no warmth, no regard to what I thought was a friendship, in front of others and then saying "oh i'm just being honest".
I am only very, very rarely on the receiving end of hurt, but seeing enough of it in groups I'm in has made gradually draw a stricter, and in my opinion, fairer line that is fair on me.
I'm still the silly, happy, sometimes manic or anxious husky - only these days, I'm also not people's social kindergarten teacher. People with basic social skills don't need to worry. I've thought a lot about whether I've overcompensated, become too "strict" and premature to pull the trigger, but over time I've come to a fair balance. One bad interaction doesn't have me quit on anyone, but I'm quicker to see whether anyone needs to be shown the door in the FreaksForHarmony Discord server - or not tire myself on someone who just keeps stressing me out and doesn't bother trying to look out for my feelings or repair any rupture that is caused.
I don't think I'm actually describing anything new either. I'm pretty sure that on some level, everyone wants that. It's just that people have different thresholds. Some people will just keep pouring energy into the most utterly doomed, unworthy social connections. Other people are trigger happy, and go from person to person with a new villain of the week who is definitely a Very Bad Person™ without even bothering to try make things work.
I'm somewhere in-between these days - not a doormat, not "triggered".
Though pretty much I have to say, overall I'm super happy with the internet and the people I've met through there x3 Still have the pleasure of seeing many people who are just, genuinely fun AND harbor goodwill, so I'm glad to have quite a number of friends that I hold close to my heart x3
So that's what I wanted to say! Lots of hugs to anyone who read this journal!!
Why I'm writing this journal
I've been told by two people so far that I've become "scary". People say all sorts of things, but the fact that I've been told this twice now has made me stop and think; what's going on? What's different?
The Shift in how I approach social life
The shift I've noticed is that I've been focusing on quality over quantity.
As I meet different people, I experienced the best and the worst of social life. But the worst social incidents completely changed the way I see social life. I used to believe that everyone can be friends, everything can be talked out, that everyone can be trusted to show a basic consideration to other human beings. But clearly that is not the case; one bad egg can poison a friend group and destroy psychological safety, people can fight and introduce a layer of discomfort in a social circle. And the worst bad eggs aren't easy to spot; they're charismatic and tend to treat popular people differently, more kindly - telling them all sorts of things they want to hear.
My mind is such that I tend to want to prevent bad things from happening. I don't want to spend months of a friendship and end having someone who betrays me and screws off. I also don't want to remain lasse affair like I used to in any group I moderate or am part of. This sent me down a rabbit hole of analyzing, how do people think? How do I think?
One thing stood out to me the most in terms of determining the quality of a person as a friend, and that's how much rupture they introduce vs. how much rupture they repair. I developed an internal compass for who I gravitate towards and who I avoid, because in my life, I feel like I've had too much stress; that I've compensated and worked around other people's quirks for too long - and now I've adopted the attitude that people ultimately need to pull their weight too when it comes to being part of a group or friend that I spend time with. There are certain things that are just not ok to say or do, and if they are done, there needs to be an effort into fixing the damage.
And this is the "scary" thing because..
Some people become uncomfortable when someone is evaluating them, noticing every behavior. This would make sense to worry about if someone very trigger-happy is doing this kind of evaluation. This also makes sense for someone to worry if they themselves find themselves in a pattern of bad social interactions over and over again, and know on some level that they're going to get filtered out by this internal gauge on a person's integrity.
But over months of reflection I've come to the conclusion that, yeah, I'm not being ridiculous here - there are basic things that should be universal constants in friendship or group behavior. We shouldn't have to be in a voice chat in fear that someone is going to call us a pedo. We shouldn't have to second-guess whether a friendship is real by spending months with someone who you thought was a warm friend only for them to turn to you and say "uh, actually you're kind of scary because of your penchant for direct conflict", showing no warmth, no regard to what I thought was a friendship, in front of others and then saying "oh i'm just being honest".
I am only very, very rarely on the receiving end of hurt, but seeing enough of it in groups I'm in has made gradually draw a stricter, and in my opinion, fairer line that is fair on me.
Conclusion
I'm still the silly, happy, sometimes manic or anxious husky - only these days, I'm also not people's social kindergarten teacher. People with basic social skills don't need to worry. I've thought a lot about whether I've overcompensated, become too "strict" and premature to pull the trigger, but over time I've come to a fair balance. One bad interaction doesn't have me quit on anyone, but I'm quicker to see whether anyone needs to be shown the door in the FreaksForHarmony Discord server - or not tire myself on someone who just keeps stressing me out and doesn't bother trying to look out for my feelings or repair any rupture that is caused.
I don't think I'm actually describing anything new either. I'm pretty sure that on some level, everyone wants that. It's just that people have different thresholds. Some people will just keep pouring energy into the most utterly doomed, unworthy social connections. Other people are trigger happy, and go from person to person with a new villain of the week who is definitely a Very Bad Person™ without even bothering to try make things work.
I'm somewhere in-between these days - not a doormat, not "triggered".
Though pretty much I have to say, overall I'm super happy with the internet and the people I've met through there x3 Still have the pleasure of seeing many people who are just, genuinely fun AND harbor goodwill, so I'm glad to have quite a number of friends that I hold close to my heart x3
So that's what I wanted to say! Lots of hugs to anyone who read this journal!!
I say, if someone thinks you're scary for trying to see people for who they really are, they're really telling on themselves.
We're often very much pressured into adapting and compensating for other people..
And we do that a LOT especially people like me who feel really grateful for people online, so I just have a lot of goodwill in me to complete strangers because the online world is the place that picked me up and healed me when I was lonely as hell
But we also kindda have to look out for ourselves as well. It's having healthy boundaries, and we kindda have to stick to them because there will be people who will question whether your boundaries are healthy or overly aggressive. And I've grown wary of softening my boundaries because of being talked out of it, so at some point we just need to listen to ourselves.
Thank you!! *hugs* x3
...Which, speaking of...I hope I never or ever came off that way to you at all. I know we haven't talked so much if at all, but I'm just...kind of shy when it comes to meeting other artists who I've looked at for a while. You genuinely seem nice, I'm just worried I come off wrongly or something, so sorry about that. >.<;
There's a natural ebb and flow to how we spend our time considering there's 24 hours in a day, and on top of that the shyness and caution cause us to pretty much both need to have extra energy to fight off anxious thoughts when it comes to talking to new people
Sometimes I wish we could just, keep the life lessons we've learnt but also just delete memories of shitty things that have happened. I like to think a lot of life's magic would come back if we could forget and move on.
As they say, live and learn. It's nice to have some reflections, and while remembering the shitty parts of it is just a natural part of that it's best to not let it swallow you up for the future and to enjoy the lovely friends and folks you've met along the way. :D