This will be the last time I speak on this situation. For the past four years, I’ve tried to heal, rebuild, and simply be allowed the space to exist and grow. Instead, I’ve been pulled into unnecessary drama, targeted, and painted in ways that don’t reflect who I am or what I stand for. I am deeply hurt, but I need to be transparent for the sake of closure.

The only reason past drama with one of my exes resurfaced was because the breakup had already been mentioned by other moderators. I didn’t bring it up to start anything — I did it to ensure the full picture was understood. I even brought up my own mistakes to stay transparent. At no point did I ever send people after anyone, and I’ve never tried to run, hide, or dodge accountability. All I wanted was space.

....

A person I’ll call Rock saw certain links being sent in a mod chat, and without being present in the VC, they assumed I was going after my exes. Rock then went to my exes for answers, and also questioned me. In my panic, I assumed my exes were spreading things in Rock’s Discord and became defensive — while still trying to stay as calm as possible.

On their end, my exes also assumed the worst. They believed I was spreading things out of malice, which was not true, and so they got defensive too. From there, things escalated. They began digging up old mistakes and framing them in the worst possible light, and I panicked and handled things poorly. The truth is: both sides acted out of fear, assumptions, and past pain. None of us were blameless.

Unfortunately, words I said years ago — during manic episodes and very dark periods of my life — have been twisted against me. That doesn’t excuse what I said, but it also doesn’t define who I am now. At the time, I was dealing with extreme derealization, dissociation, and brain fog so severe that I lost entire weeks and even a full month from memory. I wasn’t fully present, and I made mistakes I now regret.

And I understand that that is not an excuse for behavior, and I am not using it that way but more so to give the full picture of situational things.

....

Today, things are different. I am in treatment: Cymbalta 120mg, Trazodone 100mg, and regular therapy. I’ve been actively working on myself for over five months. This situation has been a painful setback because it reopened old wounds, but I’m still moving forward. The brain fog has largely receded, though I still have bad days.

Yes, I euthanized a snake. It was not done carelessly. The animal came to me with a pre-existing spinal injury and other health issues. I treated him for months, but his condition worsened. On the advice of a veterinary professional, I made the hard but humane choice to put him down. This happened shortly after my uncle — who I lived with — was convicted of pedophilia. At that time, I was hardly sleeping, spiraling, and saying self-destructive things I never truly meant.

I need to make this clear: I never got “turned on” by it, nor did I ever say anything to suggest that. What I said was tied to “bloodlust,” not sexual euphoria. Even then, it was self-destructive venting, not truth. In reality, I’ve always cared deeply for my animals. I cry when I have to euthanize an injured wild snake hit by a car. I regret those words deeply, but they don’t reflect who I am or how I treat my animals.

I am so reliant on my animals I cannot get rid of specific ones, they are the only reason I am as stable as I am. I got into snakes when being abused by my stepdad these animals are like my children, I will not sell them so long as I can care for them.

.....

First of all, I didn’t start doing anything serious until after the breakup. Before that, sure, maybe a joke here or there, a playful tease, but that was it. Nothing serious, nothing malicious. And I wasn’t the only one doing it either. It was little stuff, like, “lol I think [name] is really into [thing] hmm?” Nothing more.

Secondly, I didn’t replace anyone. That was never the goal. Just because I hooked up or something happened doesn’t mean I tossed people aside. That group flirts playfully, and things escalated naturally. Honestly, we’re all just figuring it out. The mind is strange — I’ve poured my heart into these people, and they’ve poured theirs into me. They are all I have now.

I broke up because my head wasn’t good for my Exes anymore. Everything I did was being taken the wrong way (and still is). Everything I said was misunderstood, and the ways I showed love were dismissed. It felt like I wasn’t being seen for who I actually am, like I’d been forgotten and only the worst parts of me were being focused on.

I show love not in traditional sense, and everyone has their own ways of doing so. Support and gifts are mine, I don't say "I love you" often due to ahyness but also personal preference.. doesnt mean I don't love my at the time partner(s). Just now how I show love.

One of them made it worse. Even before the poly, there was an air of control and pressure. Things had to be edited, changed, or done their way — Serp redesigns, Hulya, even mod decisions. I didn’t want those changes, but I felt cornered into them.

At one point I was criticized for taking time to make sure a member of the server was okay before continuing to issue them a ban.

This isn’t fully about all of my exes either. I tie it all together as a group experience, which makes interacting uncomfortable, but ultimately I don’t hate them. I just needed space from everyone.

I admit I messed up too. I got called out, and I carried that shame. Each little thing piled up until it weighed on me constantly. Then the “dream walking” and “pact” stuff started, and honestly? I never once saw a single sign of it being real. My brain couldn’t believe in it, but it kept being pushed until it just drove me further away. I was already drifting as far back as right after my short month long job at Sea Dog.

The breaking point was when I asked for one OC in full and for a chapter rewrite — then I got yelled at and guilt-tripped. That was it. I snapped. I spiraled. And I needed space. So I blocked, not forever, but to stop making things worse.

I’ve apologized before, multiple times, but here it is again: I’m sorry. I know I hurt people, just as I was hurt. None of us are spotless. We’re all covered in dirt, but I know my mistakes and I have actively been working on myself.

But this, this has made that so hard as it has made me feel hopeless.

Dragging out a breakup over gift money is low. Without a contract, everything they ever sent — games, passes, gift money, money for loans, etc. — is just that: a gift. No legal grounds. What’s happening now is twisting that, weaponizing it to get a way. And to do that when my biggest insecurity is being ostracized — after I’ve already been blackmailed before — that’s cruel. My stepmom, who works in law and knows local judges and lawyers, has confirmed this.

Anytime I said I would pay back was during times they would complain about working alot to help me, I would say to stop sending money and not.to worry and that I will eventually pay them back. Regardless, they always threw those down.

They have asked to be paid for labour time of helping with my commission backlog, no agreement was ever made for them to be paid for such, othet than with a collab YCH but I deceided to fully do that myself. They offered to help.

As for me getting Commissions.

Mind you, I did win bingo for $900 at the end of last year. I used that to splurge, and many commissions I’ve been getting came from then. Everything else was monthly subs, reptile income, or small amounts under $150 when I was stable. I’ve also paid off 90% of my debt until demands from my exes started.

Realistically, I can only draw for about two weeks of each month before chronic pain stops me. My backlog was made worse by unavoidable events: a venomous snake bite last September, moving houses, and a physically demanding job that left me in pain for weeks even after quitting. Add mental health struggles to that, and the delays were inevitable. My TOS has always been upfront about long waits.

So, yes, I could walk away and not pay a cent — and nothing would come of it. You know it, I know it. But because I care, I gave in. The threats, the talk of “gathering evidence,” the pressure — none of it is worth my peace of mind. So I’ve agreed to what I can do:

I will pay $1,000 within six months, even without any stable income.

I will finish my backlog within four months, after taking a short break to recover. (This will start once ny PC is fixed)

The remaining $1.4k will go toward refunds.

I will stay in treatment, continue therapy, and keep working on myself.

But this is the end. The curtain is closing. This is the final chapter of this mess. I will never get to enjoy the art, the community, or the show I loved, because people chose to be petty over a breakup, over not getting their way.

So I’ll say it plainly: I’m done. This is 2021 all over again, and you all are Sneik. Having moles and people watching my activity in VCs, having people spy on me — that’s stalking, that’s making sure every move can be twisted against me.

Back in 2021, i had accusations against me for Zoophilia, I was a stupid kid who would lie about alot of shit to get attention. That back fired on me but I never grew out of it nor got help for that behavior, and it has backfired again.

This is the last I will ever say on the matter. Both I and my exes were wrong in different ways, and the only path forward is to let go, move on, and continue healing.