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Journal of a Primitive
a month ago
I have never written one of these here. An earnest journal adressed to the people here. In turn, I might already point out the culprit of it and that can only be Destinesia who has inspired me not only to share some of myself with you out there, but in many other regards. So, to state the most important first: Thank you so much for that my friend.
With the end of summer comes a time that is somewhat more calm, a bit of rest right after the busiest season in my trade. Now, closer to 28 than 27, a lot has changed over these years. The twenties are a strange period of life where expectations meet the fact of sheer inexperience in everything and yet there is always this burden to perform. I have always been more on the responsible end. I can't often just shrug my shoulders and let things slide that I know are not done well enough. Perhaps that is because of my upbringing, but nevertheless, this kind of neuroticism has always plagued me and often even alienated me from others. Now, with nearing the 30s and finally being comfortable in my own skin for first time ever, I came to appreciate this part of my personality. This kind of pragmatic thoroughness it had turned into has helped me a lot in every kind of performative endeavour and has put financial security to my early adult life.
I think that it cannot be overstated how important for someone's self esteem it can be to have that knowledge and certainty that you have gained skills that allow you stay above water wherever life may throw you at. The ability to work with ones own hands. The ability to step over your own shadow. The ability to talk to people. Uncertainty, I believe, is one of the biggest factors of fear in our rapidly changing frame of time. I was born in 1998, I remember getting a VHS tape of the first pokemon movie from my aunt. I remember that day when I figured out how to handle the VHS recorder by myself alone for the first time. I remember putting the PS1 of my friend into a plastic bag and cycling home with it because he borrowed it to me because I didn't have one. Now, we have AI. War. Inequality that digs a deeper canyon between rich and poor everyday. Economic Regression. Everything is colorful, loud, advertised. But empty. False.
I come from a rural area, still live in a rural area, still work in a rural area. And I am deeply estranged with tomorrow. With AI and mass surveilance, the reduction of true ownership and the epidemic of loneliness.
Despite this, I believe, a risk is necessary. At least for me. To still take that step tomorrow and commit against inaction for the simple sake of it. I remember much of my childhood with a certain pain now. I grew up an only child due to difficult familial circumstances in my early childhood and I think that has always done me harm. Since ever I can remember I had troubles with other people. In Kindergarten starting, going onwards through most of school. I had few friends. Or noneat all. Never really had a best friend either. Never had that group up until I went to a school about an hour's drive away with the car. Of course because of that I have always been that awkward weirdo, but by the time I was 16, it got better. Yet when that school was over, I returned home into emptiness again. Around that time, when I was 19, it was the most severe. Or at least so it felt. I did civil service by then and the environement was not good. I tried to drown myself in video games since ever, had always trouble because of that. Now, in hindsight, there were more days where I pondered getting rid of myself than not. I can't really put that into words. It is a strange, mushy memory, as if I couldn't even see clear during those years. Still. That was the time when I came up with Solyr and he still is a part of my life. Perhaps now more important than ever.
Loneliness though is still at the core of my life, even today. It is such a strange difference in desires, between wanting to be just alone and wanting to be part of something. To have mutuals. To discuss ideas, fool around, share jokes. I also don't spend as much time with gaming as I used to. A sideeffect from me focussing deeper into my career and building something up. Ever since my general wellbeing slowly became better, I started to feel something that I never really had before. Drive.
We arrive now to this year where a lot has changed for me. I think I am slowly pulling myself away from the vices of gaming addiction. Come to a level of confidence and competence that puts stable floor under my feet. And still, I still feel like an outcast more often than not. A recent habit that I picked up now is fitness and I think that now, after many attempts before, the habit finally starts to stick. A lot of things in that regard are different. It was just another chore in the years I tried to get into it before. Now, workout is something that I want. That I want for myself for the vision that I have for myself. From a 'should do' to a 'want to do'.
There is a lot of catching up to do. I am not ashamed to admit that I have yet to kiss a girl for one example. Most circumstances in life are forces we have no hand over. Especially when we are young. But agency comes with experience and I wish to currate a life for myself that is worth living. Slowly I start to recognize how my environement grows older. My parents. My grandfather. My cousins. Years suddenly become terribly short and that is why I need to try because time is the most precious thing I have.
The flaws of not writing a journal on an at least yearly basis suddenly become more than apparant... there is much more I want to say, or put better into context, but this essay of mine is already bursting for a simple post online. Thank you reading so far. Thank you to my friends and loved ones. I plan on uploading some art too. The backlog is too big and even though uploading my own commissioned art has always felt foreign to me, I think now I understand why so many do it.
-Sun
With the end of summer comes a time that is somewhat more calm, a bit of rest right after the busiest season in my trade. Now, closer to 28 than 27, a lot has changed over these years. The twenties are a strange period of life where expectations meet the fact of sheer inexperience in everything and yet there is always this burden to perform. I have always been more on the responsible end. I can't often just shrug my shoulders and let things slide that I know are not done well enough. Perhaps that is because of my upbringing, but nevertheless, this kind of neuroticism has always plagued me and often even alienated me from others. Now, with nearing the 30s and finally being comfortable in my own skin for first time ever, I came to appreciate this part of my personality. This kind of pragmatic thoroughness it had turned into has helped me a lot in every kind of performative endeavour and has put financial security to my early adult life.
I think that it cannot be overstated how important for someone's self esteem it can be to have that knowledge and certainty that you have gained skills that allow you stay above water wherever life may throw you at. The ability to work with ones own hands. The ability to step over your own shadow. The ability to talk to people. Uncertainty, I believe, is one of the biggest factors of fear in our rapidly changing frame of time. I was born in 1998, I remember getting a VHS tape of the first pokemon movie from my aunt. I remember that day when I figured out how to handle the VHS recorder by myself alone for the first time. I remember putting the PS1 of my friend into a plastic bag and cycling home with it because he borrowed it to me because I didn't have one. Now, we have AI. War. Inequality that digs a deeper canyon between rich and poor everyday. Economic Regression. Everything is colorful, loud, advertised. But empty. False.
I come from a rural area, still live in a rural area, still work in a rural area. And I am deeply estranged with tomorrow. With AI and mass surveilance, the reduction of true ownership and the epidemic of loneliness.
Despite this, I believe, a risk is necessary. At least for me. To still take that step tomorrow and commit against inaction for the simple sake of it. I remember much of my childhood with a certain pain now. I grew up an only child due to difficult familial circumstances in my early childhood and I think that has always done me harm. Since ever I can remember I had troubles with other people. In Kindergarten starting, going onwards through most of school. I had few friends. Or noneat all. Never really had a best friend either. Never had that group up until I went to a school about an hour's drive away with the car. Of course because of that I have always been that awkward weirdo, but by the time I was 16, it got better. Yet when that school was over, I returned home into emptiness again. Around that time, when I was 19, it was the most severe. Or at least so it felt. I did civil service by then and the environement was not good. I tried to drown myself in video games since ever, had always trouble because of that. Now, in hindsight, there were more days where I pondered getting rid of myself than not. I can't really put that into words. It is a strange, mushy memory, as if I couldn't even see clear during those years. Still. That was the time when I came up with Solyr and he still is a part of my life. Perhaps now more important than ever.
Loneliness though is still at the core of my life, even today. It is such a strange difference in desires, between wanting to be just alone and wanting to be part of something. To have mutuals. To discuss ideas, fool around, share jokes. I also don't spend as much time with gaming as I used to. A sideeffect from me focussing deeper into my career and building something up. Ever since my general wellbeing slowly became better, I started to feel something that I never really had before. Drive.
We arrive now to this year where a lot has changed for me. I think I am slowly pulling myself away from the vices of gaming addiction. Come to a level of confidence and competence that puts stable floor under my feet. And still, I still feel like an outcast more often than not. A recent habit that I picked up now is fitness and I think that now, after many attempts before, the habit finally starts to stick. A lot of things in that regard are different. It was just another chore in the years I tried to get into it before. Now, workout is something that I want. That I want for myself for the vision that I have for myself. From a 'should do' to a 'want to do'.
There is a lot of catching up to do. I am not ashamed to admit that I have yet to kiss a girl for one example. Most circumstances in life are forces we have no hand over. Especially when we are young. But agency comes with experience and I wish to currate a life for myself that is worth living. Slowly I start to recognize how my environement grows older. My parents. My grandfather. My cousins. Years suddenly become terribly short and that is why I need to try because time is the most precious thing I have.
The flaws of not writing a journal on an at least yearly basis suddenly become more than apparant... there is much more I want to say, or put better into context, but this essay of mine is already bursting for a simple post online. Thank you reading so far. Thank you to my friends and loved ones. I plan on uploading some art too. The backlog is too big and even though uploading my own commissioned art has always felt foreign to me, I think now I understand why so many do it.
-Sun
I'm wishing you the best for the uncertain future coming up!
I wish I could go back and change how I’ve gone about various things in my life, because I absolutely agree with your stances. I don’t think I’m personally at a point where I’m confident in my own skin, so to speak. Still suffering through the twenties a bit lol, trying to manage my own disappointment in not filling the expectations that I had for myself when I first turned twenty. But, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that life isn’t a race. There’s time. Maybe not infinite, but still plenty of it.
And gosh, I feel you so much on the loneliness. I’ve been trying to find myself a bit recently in thinking of what am I, in terms of sexuality/love life and other important identities. As well as trying to accept some facts about myself as well. It’s been an experience lol. But I resonate so much with feeling comfortable being alone and even preferring it, and yet, feeling lonely. Craving something and wanting it. Yet struggling to obtain it or keep it. It’s an irritating situation that I have yet to find any real solution to lol, so if you have any pointers let me know!
Most importantly though, please know that I’m always here and available if you ever need someone to talk to! I’m sure you know this ofc, but still! You are a dear and cherished friend, and I always value your perspective and knowledge immensely. 🩵
And no, it definitely is not. Or rather, I at least for myself do not intend to make it one either. I think that the process of genuinely getting to know yourself and slowly honing out where you want to be in your life and what you want from it takes a long time. A long time alone from the fact that there need to be experiences to be made, feelings to felt, choices to be made that either resonate or do not. There is a lot of discourse around about obsessive tech consumption and compounding lack of attention that makes this so much harder. And considering that we are really the digital generation, perhaps that is also our great challenge to find out what the actual important stuff is in -being alive- and what else is all superfluous nonsense that gratifies us in the moment. Or to not be overwhelmed by the billion different opinions and worldviews we have access to at any moment.
But hey, just two more cents on the pile :D And I can only give this sentiment back to you 🧡
Honestly, it reminds me how I was surprised to find out you were actually younger than me, having always been quite the mature individual. But having just hit 30, I can definitely see myself sharing many of the sentiments and observations you mentioned. Feelings that I should have done more by now, some nostalgia for the times now gone. Feelings that the future is hazy at best.
And the loneliness.
"Loneliness though is still at the core of my life, even today. It is such a strange difference in desires, between wanting to be just alone and wanting to be part of something. To have mutuals. To discuss ideas, fool around, share jokes."
I could have said exactly the same, using the very same words. Especially now, as for the last 2 years, more than before, I felt like even the online social spaces have been turning into an archipelago of drifting, lonely islands, everybody having their own rock to sit on.
It's always good to hear that you're doing better. Being at peace with who you are is a big, necessary step for any progress, more often than not. I feel like I also became more comfortable with myself, at least in the sense of feeling that I can keep going from one day to another being just me, no one else. That some of the goals, especially the more luck-based ones, are merely optional, not something that would truly make or break me.
You seem to have taken a good turn on your path, do stay true to it!
And looking forward to the art :)
Honestly I think that we gotta get more old school in many ways. Seeing eye to eye with another person, at least for me, makes every kind of socializing way more fluid than trying to communicate via letters... even if the risk for awkwardness is greater too. Still, the occasional voice chat while playing a game or similar together is still a wonderfully spent time ^^
Difficulty in being able to relate is also a thing. There have been many times when I felt out of place in this fandom as well. But it is what it is - the "third place" that many miss, a place to actually interact with people and perhaps have a chance of sometimes getting closer to them.