And realizing you want to basically change every part of yourself but you won't let yourself do that out of fear of ego loss but you also tell yourself there's nothing worth saving so what are you afraid of but you also relize that if you ,yourself actually believed that you'd kill yourself so part of you must believe that their is some part of you worth something but maybe out of fear of disproveing that you hid yourself from yourself or blind your self to it because it's the only thing protecting yourself from yourself like you look at yourself and it's you do you like what you see do you hate what you see do you even know yourself, yourself seems to think you it resons yourself to hold the thoughts and ideas about yourself. It's like spending years training to be an athlete coming out of thouse years and suddenly thinking, I hate athletes I don't want to be that like what does the self want why are you hiding it from the self, is it because self is afraid it will present something that seems to big or impossible and self will give up on yourself and so it's protecting yourself by not letting you see yourself,