2009 was one of the most substantial years of my life. It was also one of the least productive years. For almost all of 2009, my writing had flatlined, my drawings had totally ceased, and then in the last two months I managed to pull out over 92,000 words and 20+ drawings (I didn't post all of the art if it was gifts to friends that didn't want it shared). That actually helped make the year fairly productive, but it seems like a barren wasteland of productivity outside of that.

But a lot more than just writing and art happened in 2009. When I look back at 2009, I will think of it as the year I really learned both the joys and miseries of love. I would never hide or want to take back the wonderful — and even not so wonderful — experiences I felt while going through the highs and lows of love. I'm happy that I was able to experience it. I'm also happy to say that I truly experienced it. It wasn't just a dream, it wasn't just a fantasy, it was something really, truly real.

However, just as the happiness was real, the wrenching feeling of heartbreak was just as real to me. I know that I made several mistakes along the way. I've had plenty of time to realize that there were times that I should have been cheerier or should have done this or that. But there were also a lot of things I did right. One of the things I didn't do right was control blame. Whether it was justified, defensive, or just plain misguided, it's something that I want to erase and have already made a significant amount of progress in it.

Because of that, I will not spend any time blaming her for any of my heartbreak. I will not spend any time blaming myself, either. It wasn't meant to be. That's not to say I didn't love her with the full capacity of my heart... because I certainly, certainly did. I learned I was able to... maybe that was why I couldn't fight to keep us together in the end. I was tired of the guilt and the pain that I'd caused and I knew that she just really wasn't happy with me anymore... I can only hope that she can someday forgive me for that and that she can find happiness, as well as someone who gives her just the amount of attention she wants, happily and willingly.

I didn't see it back in September, when she broke up with me. I didn't see it in October, when I did the hardest thing I had to do and choose to end communication with her. But now I see that it was necessary. I now actually see that I'm a better person today, because of everything that I've had to go through and endure, and because of all of the positive changes I've been making in my life.

Rather than blaming the whole world around me for my problems, I've been trying to consciously help others with theirs. I've willingly lent my parents more money and am proudly working with them to get my father a job and motivate him again. I've tried my best to be there for several friends going through difficult relationship issues, even when one of them was the one that broke my heart long before my taste of true love. I've appreciated what I have and have stopped blaming whatever problems I have on other people or things, or have at least tried to be better about it. I've gotten past that numbing pain of heartbreak and have managed to feel my heart beat for someone else very special to me again that I never thought I could actually pursue, but am now confident in myself and hopeful towards a future (I'll have more on that in the coming weeks).

You see, other than some good friendships and a new story + art, I don't really have that much more going in to 2010 than I did going in to 2008. I've got a (well, another) sad ending to a love story, I've been writing, and I'm an independent, happy person like I was at the start of 2008.

2008 was a great year for me. I wrote A Friend Indeed, Her Biggest Fan, and Fleeting Friendship all in that year, as well as several other stories. I fell in real love for the first time. I was also pretty happy, save for the inevitable confusion of the whole crush/love problem before it became mutual. Oh yeah, and it was fun politics lol.

I'm thinking that 2010 will be a continuation of 2008 for me. I'm hoping it, as a matter of fact, because that was when I really pumped out some of my absolute best work period. I'm Zeph. I'm capable, independent, and though 2009 is over and left me with virtually nothing tangible ('cept for the blitz in November/December), it's definitely left me with valuable lessons that I've already learned and will use throughout the coming year.

Happy New Year, everyone, and may our 2010 be an excellent one!