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My final update.
a month ago
So, the time has finally come. Though I've still got a few things to clean up like my old twitter and such, they are now defunct and will not be posted on.
I'm finally moving on. It's been a long time coming, and I've finally gotten enough fixed up in my life that I can fully commit to this change. It's finally over.
If you'd still like to contact me for whatever reason, you can find the skeleton of my account on F-list here at https://www.f-list.net/c/Zabur or you can send me a note here. I'll be keeping these up until the end of the year in case there's loose ends that need to be brought to a close or in case someone wants to say something. Past that, I am unsure.
With that out of the way, I have a last bit of rambling I'd like to get out of my system. A last apology and something of a reflection.
This is an update to the last few journals about me moving on from this life and name. You can read about them here, otherwise you'll probably be missing some context.
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11114727
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11170551
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11211875
Thank you.
I want to thank everyone that's reached out to me over this period, to those I've reached out to with both the positive and negative reactions. This has been a nightmare to accomplish but I know it will be for the best for both myself and for everyone else. It's been very eye opening as to how people perceive me. There's a quote about how you are never just 'one person', and how you're a different person to everyone you meet. Someone's villain, someone's savior, someone's best friend, someone's worst case scenario... and I get that now. I just really wish I could have been the positive sides of those more. Unfortunately, what's done is done. I know now that I've fucked up, why I've fucked up, how I've fucked up... and I'm going to learn from it. I've already learned so much. It still hurts that I've fumbled and made worse so many relationships in dumb, stupid ways that I shouldn't have. I'm holding myself responsible for it all, and learning from it and moving on instead of dwelling on how it happened. I'm not going to use my depression or how my life was shit as an excuse to dodge accountability. It was my fault, even if I was influenced by those things. I realized that somewhere around 6 months ago with the help of some friends and it's been eye-opening. I've improved my life, I've strengthened the bonds of those that stayed with me and even rekindled a few. It's been a wild ride, and I'm gonna ride it 'til the wheels fall off.
I just want to offer my most sincere apologies to those I've hurt in my grief. I'll never truly be free of the guilt but apologizing from my heart, learning from my mistakes, and moving on to put those lessons to use will be a good start. I don't blame those that did not want to be contacted or outright told me to fuck off. They have their reasons, and I respect it. I hope my departure will help them move on and heal as well. There were some I did not contact as I didn't want to accidentally make things worse, but I'd like to extend these apologies to them as well should they ever see it. I truly am sorry, even though I know that won't magically fix everything.
Now that that's done, let's do a small Q/A for questions I've been asked (that may be updated as more questions are asked);
-What about your characters? What will happen to them?
Ideally, I will keep them. They hold a lot of sentimental value to me. Maybe some day I'll write a story with them. I may give a few off to friends, but the most of them are being entirely retired from the public eye. Please do not use my characters in anything. Roleplay, gift art, etc. If you really insist on drawing one of my characters for something, contact me first. If you see someone using my characters, politely ask them to take them down.
-Are you leaving the Furry fandom?
No. I'll still be a part of it. I will just not be commissioning things, nor being public. I'll be more of a lurker, and under a different name. I won't be intruding on old places I used to be under said name, as I feel that'd be disingenuous and make it seem like I'm just changing identity to go places I'm not wanted. That's not what this is and the idea disgusts me.
-So wait, you're not leaving?
I'm leaving everything behind, and even though I'll still be occasionally indulging in furry media and such I very much will be 'leaving' what this name, these characters, all of that is. I'm changing my whole life, this part included. This will no longer be 100% of my life, not even 10%.
-So, what's next?
Well, I've got a job now that I quite like. It doesn't make much but I'm workin' on it. My next goal is to get out of this house and improve my living situation. It may not seem like I've changed much but there's been so much that's happened to make this even possible that... well, its frankly mindboggling. Some people think I'm only a few steps from where I've started, but not only is that more steps than zero, the steps needed to get to being able to take to those steps is definitely more than a few, ahah.
-Are you still depressed?
Yes, but I'm dealing with it in a much more healthy way. It's no longer everyone else's burden, I've gained the self-awareness and help I've needed to make this progress. I've many people to thank for it. I've not had any of those 'signature breakdowns' that leaves people concerned for my safety or consider me pathetic and hopeless for a long while. Things are getting better, and I'm working toward a brighter future with those helping me. It took a lot of effort and help to get there, and I'm eternally grateful to those that did help me get here and realize just how I was affecting others. Honest to god a lot of the depression at this point is that my living situation is not great. But as seen above, I'm working on that every day and I'm slowly making headway.
-Can I get your new contact details?
Most likely, no. It's nothing personal, but I'm taking very specific few people along with me to my next life. I don't want to be tempted back into this old life, and having people be able to just go like 'oh yeah he's the same he just goes by blahblahblah now' is not what I'm wanting. It downplays how much I've changed, and... just frankly, I don't wanna be associated with how I've been under these names anymore.
-You owe me art/money/etc!
Contact me, and we'll work this out. No one's asked/said this one, but I want to leave it an open option while I can and draw attention to it.
-Will you still be doing art?
Yes, but my style has changed drastically. I've been studying a lot and changing how I do things. I've also focused a lot more on music and such, and am learning to code. tl;dr my art style will change a lot between now and when I post art again under a new name. but I am not giving up on art. Just a small hiatus to get things situated to the point I can draw/music/any sort of hobby again!
-I wanted to talk to you but it feels awkward to only message you now. Can we still talk until you go?
Yes, absolutely! I understand what you mean, but I assure you I'm resolute in my decision to leave when it's time. Until then, you're more than welcome to message me, chat about whatever. I'm always happy to make a friend even if it may not be for long.
-Is this really goodbye?
At the end of the year, I will be closing this down and I'll have everything cleaned up. The only thing that may remain is my Zabur profile on F-list, only for chatting to some specific folk, and even then it will be deleted eventually. So... yes. It pains me a lot and I constantly think of just going 'haha jk' but... no. I can't. I've got to move on, for my sake.
It's the end of my era. I want to thank you all again for making so many memories with me. I'll never forget them, good or bad.
For the final time, this is Zabur, derpWolfies, stoopidfukinpuppyface, Xephi... all those. Signing off for real.
Be kind to each other.
Opengunner
~opengunner
Good luck on the next leg of your journey. I can't say I know you very well, but I do remember drawing one of your characters like 10 years ago. Wishing you the best past this.
IamGungnir
~iamgungnir
Good luck and happy trails, partner! I'm always around if you need someone to chat with, even if we only knew each other for a short while.
RaiderZulu
~raiderzulu
I hope to see you again, unlikely as it is.
Heya Zabur, best of luck with your journey and hoping things go greatly for you. I was wanting to say thank you for chatting with me on f-list in the past and for getting some lovely artwork together with my hyper umbreon in the past. Wishing you the best!
Nack
~nackvixen
You are doing SO GOOD this is so much progress. I hope you do so well <3
AriaXoria
~ariaxoria
Good luck to you in your future adventures, wherever it may take you!
