I will cut it straight to the point. I'm going to stay away from the community and remain offline for quite some time.

I've been struggling doing art to the point that thinking about working on a new piece makes my stomach churn. It's been months since I've worked on something consistently and getting back to it now it's just frustrating and frightening. I will finish the commissions that I've been paid for due to my sense of duty, but once those are done I will just disappear and take a long break, maybe attempt to re learn how to draw by myself, without sharing anything. I'm suffering so much from never having made sketching and doodling a daily habit that I struggle even with the most basic things. I don't like my style, I look at most of the commissions I've done and feel nothing. I keep comparing my art with everyone else's, all I see are younger and more talented artists making wonderful artworks every week, improving and getting commissioned all the time by friends and people I know. I feel like I'm watching a big party from the outside, where everyone is having the time of their life except me. The best thing I can do to prevent me from falling into a massive art burnout is just force myself to stop looking, go offline and just try to focus on my own work without distractions of any sort.

And if I wasn't demotivated enough already, right when I was supposed to be afar from the community, working 12 hours a day in a place with no internet, I was able to behave like a complete asshole with some friends and did one of the most stupid things I've done in my life, ending up breaking their trust and hurting them. I've been a disappointment for people that did not deserve to feel any pain from me. I admit my mistake and apologise, but I've also come to a point where I feel like things are not going to be the same after this and something else needs to be done. Again, the best thing I can do is to retreat from the community and work on my mental health. I already signed up for therapy and I'm going to talk about all these issues with a professional to figure out what's wrong with me and find some solutions. It is time for me to grow up, learn from the many mistakes I've done and put my shit together one time for all. This community taught me a lot but it's also been intoxicating to the point of making me act like someone I am not, and I feel like it somehow poisoned some wounds I have from my past. It feels good being around here, but it also hurts me like if I was using a drug. Both art and porn are two very sharp double edged blades that require a clear and firm mindset to work with, something that I do not posses right now. I need to heal from what I've done to others and to myself, and hopefully come back one day as a better person.

About commissions, I just don't know. I need incomes, but at the same time I really don't feel like working on something else again. I might just find a regular job and live with it, I might start again and do a couple of ychs next year, I don't know. What is certain is that things will be different, so if you're expecting to see some low effort-big reward generic dragon porn, feel free to unfollow me. For the upcoming months there might be just some vent works, and I don't even feel like finishing my nsfw personal projects. I almost considered of commissioning other artists to finish them for me, cancelling myself from the internet and disappear, but running away wouldn't be the solution to my problems.

I wish I was better than this. I wanted to get drawings with friends, buy commissions of my character, do collabs with other artists, run a healthy business with lot of supportive people. I've accomplished nothing of all this, in the six years that I've spent here. I've never been to a lower point since I joined the community. Maybe it's for the best that I stop trying to be something that I'm not meant to be and move on to something else. There are a lot of other things that I'd love to do in my life other than this.


I used to have a toxic relationship with a videogame a couple of years ago. I used to play it every day, trying hard to get better and pump up my stats, getting angry and stressed when I was losing and I didn't want to let it go even if I knew it was harming me. When I eventually found the courage to quit, I saw the reality and I almost wished I had never started playing it. I made a lot of friends playing that game, friends that I still hear from time to time and that I share a lot of good memories with, but stopping playing it was the best decision I could take. It somehow reminds me the situation I am in now, more or less. I still want to be able to do artworks that I'm proud of, so I'm not quitting per se, but things for me will be different.

I don't know how long I will stay away. I don't want to set expectations or deadlines. Might be a year, might be some months, I might not come back at all. I just don't know. If you wanna talk, you know where to find me. I'll be slow, but I'll reply. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself and your friends. Goodbye.