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Update, CW: Self harm, depression, politics.
4 days ago
Hey, been a while since I uploaded or posted here on FA. The good news is it seems like the mods have gotten rid of the people who were purging the babyfur and diaper arts. And... That's the end of the good news.
Let's start with politics.
America fucking sucks. We have a nazi pedophile president, conservatives are all brainwashed lunatics, and trump has declared war on half the country. He has repeatedly sent troops/national guard to varies blue states and cities in an attempt to create a fake panic, used charlie kirk's death as a weapon, and so on... I actually don't want to talk all that much about it anymore. It's horrifying watching the entire country just sliding into fascism and no ones doing ANYTHING to stop it.
With that out of the way... I am severely depressed, like... Actually, factually suicidally depressed. I sliced up my arm about three weeks ago. Not horribly bad, but despite it being almost three weeks the cuts haven't healed fully and from the looks of it I will have at least 2-3 permanent scars now. I am going to link to the posts I made a few days after I did it to explain what happened and why I did it: CW: SELF HARM https://bsky.app/profile/gubaventin...../3lzbybfogvc2g
If you don't want to read it, the TLDR is that I feel completely alone in the world, I never get invited, or included in anything, I have very few friends, and I have more or less cut ties with several fake friends who were using me for personal gain and never actually cared about me, one even saying the only reason they even talked to me was for my smut stories. Which, I will explain slightly better below. I spent YEARS of my life trying to hard to become people's friend and got abandoned by everyone when I needed help the most, and I didn't hesitate when I starting cutting. The cuts weren't that deep, and wouldn't have killed me, but it was terrifying how easy it was. Anyways please read my post about it.
Now, as for the bit about the person only being my friend for smut: I had a secret twitter/cohost/mastodon/FA alt exclusively for posting anonymous smut. That account is here: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/stinkymuffin/ It hasn't been updated in a while because a few years ago I moved to maryland for a job, and that job ate all my time, then I got fired (see my Game Kastle journal here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10659142/) and then fell into a pretty deep depression after that, then after dragging myself out I just didn't have the energy, will, or mental capacity to maintain two online personas, so... I just "came out" as it were. I have many un-uploaded stories that I keep meaning to upload, but I just don't see the point, and I don't want to do it while I am this depressed and sad, and stressed. Because in addition to everything else, I am NOW working two jobs, 60+ hours a week, seven days a week, I have had collectively about 6 days off THIS YEAR and am on the verge of a complete burnout and mental meltdown. I am exhausted, I am tired of working until 9 PM one day only to open at 6 AM the next, I am tired of being constantly struggling, constantly feeling like one slip up will send me back to a homeless shelter... I just... I don't know anymore. I am so tired.
I guess let's end on one more piece of good-ish news, well two actually. 1. I HAVE managed to put away a very small amount of money, about $4000, it ain't much but it;s more money than I have EVER had at once in my life. And 2. I am going to MFF! Assuming I don't burn completely out before then. I already paid for my ticket, my registration, and pretty soon the hotel room space. But I am nervous because of the aforementioned "not feeling welcome anymore" thing. But we will see how things go.
Anyways... I'm out, I don't really have much art to upload, no time to draw anymore with two jobs, I don't feel like writing, I don't feel like much of anything anymore.
Let's start with politics.
America fucking sucks. We have a nazi pedophile president, conservatives are all brainwashed lunatics, and trump has declared war on half the country. He has repeatedly sent troops/national guard to varies blue states and cities in an attempt to create a fake panic, used charlie kirk's death as a weapon, and so on... I actually don't want to talk all that much about it anymore. It's horrifying watching the entire country just sliding into fascism and no ones doing ANYTHING to stop it.
With that out of the way... I am severely depressed, like... Actually, factually suicidally depressed. I sliced up my arm about three weeks ago. Not horribly bad, but despite it being almost three weeks the cuts haven't healed fully and from the looks of it I will have at least 2-3 permanent scars now. I am going to link to the posts I made a few days after I did it to explain what happened and why I did it: CW: SELF HARM https://bsky.app/profile/gubaventin...../3lzbybfogvc2g
If you don't want to read it, the TLDR is that I feel completely alone in the world, I never get invited, or included in anything, I have very few friends, and I have more or less cut ties with several fake friends who were using me for personal gain and never actually cared about me, one even saying the only reason they even talked to me was for my smut stories. Which, I will explain slightly better below. I spent YEARS of my life trying to hard to become people's friend and got abandoned by everyone when I needed help the most, and I didn't hesitate when I starting cutting. The cuts weren't that deep, and wouldn't have killed me, but it was terrifying how easy it was. Anyways please read my post about it.
Now, as for the bit about the person only being my friend for smut: I had a secret twitter/cohost/mastodon/FA alt exclusively for posting anonymous smut. That account is here: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/stinkymuffin/ It hasn't been updated in a while because a few years ago I moved to maryland for a job, and that job ate all my time, then I got fired (see my Game Kastle journal here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10659142/) and then fell into a pretty deep depression after that, then after dragging myself out I just didn't have the energy, will, or mental capacity to maintain two online personas, so... I just "came out" as it were. I have many un-uploaded stories that I keep meaning to upload, but I just don't see the point, and I don't want to do it while I am this depressed and sad, and stressed. Because in addition to everything else, I am NOW working two jobs, 60+ hours a week, seven days a week, I have had collectively about 6 days off THIS YEAR and am on the verge of a complete burnout and mental meltdown. I am exhausted, I am tired of working until 9 PM one day only to open at 6 AM the next, I am tired of being constantly struggling, constantly feeling like one slip up will send me back to a homeless shelter... I just... I don't know anymore. I am so tired.
I guess let's end on one more piece of good-ish news, well two actually. 1. I HAVE managed to put away a very small amount of money, about $4000, it ain't much but it;s more money than I have EVER had at once in my life. And 2. I am going to MFF! Assuming I don't burn completely out before then. I already paid for my ticket, my registration, and pretty soon the hotel room space. But I am nervous because of the aforementioned "not feeling welcome anymore" thing. But we will see how things go.
Anyways... I'm out, I don't really have much art to upload, no time to draw anymore with two jobs, I don't feel like writing, I don't feel like much of anything anymore.
You are not alone, but that's how they want you to feel.
Take a breath, stay in touch and look for ways you can "resist," even if it's just by not giving up.
*Hugs*